Putting my car out there and...

...In a different Country?

Canada is a different country, maybe not a foreign one per se, but a different country none the less. I add the question mark to the title because, on our road trip we didn't expect a trip the Maple Leaf Country.

On our last day on the road trip Babs offered to start the drive out and drive until we closer to our final destination. This was a'okay with me because my hands hurt that morning so I figured I'd pop some advil, take a nap and we'd be driving onwards through Ohio and PA and then NY in no time.

Wrong! Oh Austin (our GPS) what did you do?!?!?

I have no idea how many minutes our hours later it was but I felt a slightly panicked poking on my arm and then heard the words I never expected to hear "Hey Jen, are we supposed to b driving through Canada?!?!"

Um, NO!!!

Well, my type A, easily panicked self kicked into over drive. OMG! Canadian border, OMG, I don't know where my passport is, I wasn't expecting to need it on my drive across the US, OMG, I don't have any of the kitty's paperwork with me, can they even come across the border? What if they want to search my car??!?! Not because I have anything illegal in it, but it already took me 3 days to pack up all the boxes in it and then a whole day to pack the car so it all fit! WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!

Luckily Babs was there to calm me down and remind me it would all be okay. I took a deep breath and realized that I did in fact know where my passport was (because apparently you need one to get in to Canada these days) and luckily it was in the cab of the car and not the trunk.

So we got into the country no problem. We stopped to get gas and this is where things got even more hairy. The gas station had some "glitch" in there system that caused an additional 100 dollars to be charged to my account. I have this habit of checking my account online on my blackberry pretty much after every purchase because I want to make sure all is well. Thank God I did this time because within 5 minutes of the "glitch" I was on the phone with the gas station and fighting with them because they claimed it was a bank error and they could not do anything about it.

So, I guess this was a lesson in sticking up for myself when I know something is wrong, and putting myself out there and getting thing taken care of. I went back into the gas station, and maybe it wasn't my most mature moment, but I basically gave the guy at the counter hell, called my bank and got the charge reversed because I was unemployed and moving cross country, and 100 bucks was not something I could even consider trying to part with for something that wasn't my fault or my purchase. So for the most part this situation was handled and was done. An hour later we were back on the road.

By this point I think both Babs and myself were tired and just done with the road trip, the US border and the remaining drive through NY could not come fast enough. But as tired as we were we continued to try and make the best of it.

Once I realized that we were going to be driving through Buffalo, and Babs had never had real New York Wings, and the Canadian/US border was only 1.5 miles from Anchor Bar (the original Buffalo Wing) I realized well if nothing else at least we could get great wings!

MMMM.... but first we had to get through the border!!

More on that in another post

Putting my car out there 2

So I resume my previous post.

After 2 crazy days hitting up places full of super fun things to do and see, our third day on the road set Babette, myself and the kitties off to Wichita Kansas, and the old adage about there being nothing to see in the middle of the country is true. There was not a whole lot to look at between Denver and Wichita.

But that doesn't mean that we didn't have a great time getting there. We stopped a long the way and found a Russel Stover factory store, and spent prolly too much money on for sure too many calories. Worth every penny, and every hour in the gym! LOL , so that was a hoot. It was on our way to Wichita though that we discovered the GPS we were using might not be as good as we had thought. It kept directing us to places that didn't exist. We wanted Ribs in KS, and we thought we'd never get them.

When we stopped for lunch we "put the kitties out" in the world. By that I mean, we had lunch outside and brought the cat carriers outside and let Baby kitty out on her leash to explore, so they got some fresh air. And we did end up getting some great pictures of the sun on our drive.

We were staying with some of my very best friends from LA's parents (also check out their band www.intercepttheband.com) in Wichita, and while there wasn't much to see along the way, we actually had a very excellent evening in KS in the form of good ole fashion mid-west hospitality. the family showed us a great evening and even provided us with the Ribs we had so craved. It was easy to see where my friends get their warmth and love from, their family showed us nothing less. I want to put a note of thanks again in this blog! Much love to the whole group!

The original plan from KS was to head to Indianapolis, but the friends we had planned to stay with were no longer going to be in town and while there are some fun things to see in Indianapolis after talking with our KS hosts, we decided the next stop on our journey should be the St. Louis Arch! I had been before, but it was a quick trip and I don't remember being as in awe of it the first time round as I was the second time.

We once again dropped the kitties off at the hotel and headed towards our destination. It was amazing, it's HUGE, it is so much bigger than I had remembered it. When we arrived we were in luck because not only could we get to the top of the Arch (last time I couldn't go) but we could go at was basically sunset and there was a baseball game going on right below us. It was just a great view of the city, the game and the sunset. Perfect really. It was sort of symbolic too, standing in the "Gateway to the West" watching the sunset in the west and looking eastward to what is a whole new chapter in my life. Strange how the timing worked out.

The next day we were back in the car again and headed to one of my best friends in the whole wide world's house in Grand Rapids Michigan. Not a whole lot to see in Michigan, but any excuse to see one of my bff's is a good one! And, while I'm not necessarily a super religious person by any means, I absolutely believe that I was supposed to be in Grand Rapids that Sunday morning. You see, bff and Babs are both very good Baptists, and as it turns out the church bff goes to is the same church Babs' sister recommended she go to while we were in town. The sermon was all about "dislocation and relocation" and how for awhile any change in location will feel like dislocation but over time it becomes relocation, and about the transition can change you in good ways if you let it, and how relocation means the chance to rebuild. Boy, if there was anything I needed to hear on cross country road trip to re-start my adult life, it was that. I didn't say anything then, but the sermon actually moved me to tears, it home and made me realize that yes, I was in fact moving in the right direction.

The right direction in the metaphorical sense... maybe not in the literal sense...but more on that another night LOL

Putting my car out there...

...on the open road

(at the bottom of this post are the lyrics to the Goofy Movie Song "Out on the Open Road" because it has been stuck in my head all day!)

The first time I drove cross country I was with a very good friend and her sister and we were in 2 different cars, and by the end of day 1 we had just decided okay, let's just get to Los Angeles. I think we were both a bit shell shocked that we were moving cross country in the first place, so as much as we planned about stopping and seeing things we didn't. We arrived on September 1, 2006 and it wasn't the road trip we were hoping for. In fact the whole situation wasn't what we had expected, and I vowed to stay only 6 months.

So, 4 years (minus 1 day) into my 6 month stay in Los Angeles, I finally left. August 31, my road trip buddy, known in this blog as Babs (who is real LOL) took off. I had initially couldn't find a buddy, and thought I was going to have to do it solo, but thank God, Babs came through! :)

There we were, Babs, me, my beloved kitties and the open road. Unlike the first time I had a very planned out route, places to stop along the way, and things I wanted to see. And oh yeah, this time I had cat carriers, so it made things like stopping to see things a bit easier.

So our first "stop" was Vegas. Though, because our actual first stop was still 8 hours from Vegas, we did a Vegas drive-by, took pics and then headed further North/East. In 4 years in LA I didn't ever go to Vegas so it was nice to see. Our actual first stop for the night was in Salt Lake City Utah. I have always wanted go to Salt Lake since the 2002 Olympics, and I wanted to let my inner (and usually outer) Olympic geek out! We stayed with a good friend/practically family member who showed us amazing hospitality and a very nice evening in Salt Lake. We even found roads that were 80mph (DUDE) The next morning we headed out early towards Park City Utah to see the rest of the Olympic-y things. AWESOME!!! :) I was so amazed by everything in front of me. I have always been an Olympic geek, being in Torino in 06 really did only made it worse. Despite my love of the moving Cool Runnings and growing up really only hours from Lake Placid, NY, I had never seen a real bobsled track! It was sooooo cool, I was like bouncing out of my car! All and it all the whole morning was amazing, I even got a Salt Lake Pin!! Babs and I both found a love of Salt Lake City and I will one day retire there and work in the Salt Lake Winter Olympic Museum.

The first day in the car was loooong, almost 12 hours, the kitties were cranky, and Babs and I were tired, but all and all not a bad first day. I was so excited to be on the road with a good friend headed towards an Olympic Mecca that I didn't even have time to be sad so that was a step in the right direction.

After Salt Lake we headed on to Denver CO, yet another place I had never been. It was my goal to cross off more states on this trip and by day 2, I had added NV, UT, WY and CO to my already sort of good size list. We had a nice drive to Denver, very pretty, the kitties were in a much better mood day 2 and while we were looking to doing fun CO things, we were also very excited to sleep in our own beds at the hotel! LOL, at that point I hadn't slept in a real bed in days, since I had moved my mattress, slept on a friends coach and shared a bed with Babs the night before, I was looking forward to a nice bed. All day in the car we discussed where we were going to eat in Denver, because the goal was to eat things you could only get in the cities were going to be in and I wanted to try beer all along the way. About 20 mins from Denver, it hit me. What does CO have that would be an awesome place to stop and say we went too?!??

CASA BONITA!! (that's right we took the advice of Cartman and the Katy Perry Parody http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGpelWYFx0"> Colorado Girls And while the food wasn't the best either of has ever eaten by far, the margaritas were pretty good, and the atmosphere was pretty excellent, cliff divers, and arcade, music, and whole little Mexican like village in side, and these amazing Mexican puffy bread things which were amazing! It was a good time. Then we made what a good pilgrimage to the Real World 18 house (RW18 was my first paying gig in LA) and wandered a little bit in Denver's Downtown, hitting up the bar that was in the CO girls video where the are "Sipping Coors Light" though I didn't realize it till later. A pretty good stop in Denver if I do say so myself. We also tried to eat a cookie bigger than our heads, and even splitting it we couldn't do it. We also tried some great local beers that were not Coors light! We managed to get to bed fairly early that evening and were excited to hit the road again in the morning.

But that's all for now, I can't give away all the fun in one post now can I?

Putting the news out there...

… that I'm moving to New York at the end of the month out there.

(Okay, for starters I should mention this entry and the last 5 or so were written in past tense I’ve already moved to New York, but I had neglected my blog and I wanted to tell the story in the order things happened and putting at the end of the month might sound like I‘m moving soon, but in fact I already have moved so, forgive the messed up timeline. )

Harder actually than making the decision was telling my friends. I know I can’t base my whole life around what my friends are doing, but many of these people have been my support system for the better part of the last 4 years and a good chunk the better part of the last 8 years, so it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.

After talking to my roommate/good friend B, and Hungiemuffin I started talking to everyone else.

I started with the friend who told me to make a decision about what I wanted, I don’t think he believed I was going anywhere because I change my mind like I change my socks.

Moved on to friend who if I had to be honest on some level I followed to LA, and who had heard me threaten for years that I was going back to NY, when he was actually extremely supportive of my actually well thought plan, I knew I was making the right decision.

I told a few friends I was thinking about it at a bar one night, and while they were a bit sad to see me go, I don’t think they really thought I was going anywhere yet.

Then the month of August went on. And I still hadn’t told but a handful of people that I was actually going, I think on some level I too was in shock and afraid to actually say the words out loud because, what if for some reason I chickened out and didn’t go? What if at the last minute a job came through in LA and I found yet another reason to stay just a little longer? No, I wasn’t saying a word.

Then one night, about 3.5 weeks before I was set to roll out, I bumped into an entire group of friends at bar one night, and since I hadn’t see anyone for awhile, and I again if I had to be honest since I had been avoiding everyone for awhile we played catch up… and my big secret came out.

Now, news in the Ithaca alumni community travels faster than DP dough through an IC students digestive system (and us IC kids know that is faaaaaaast) so after I spilled the beans to some friends at a bar, I knew it was time to put it on Facebook.

An announcement was made and a date for my roommate B and my “house cooling” party was set. And I started to tell many other people, because the more people I told the more real it became. And hell if were going to throw a party, I was really going and there was no turning back now.

So, I started telling a few more people and asking for help in finding work on the east coast in my chosen field and help getting closer to the job I’ve always wanted. I started applying to jobs on the east coast and even had a few phone calls back. Life was really setting me up for the move east.

It was sad telling people I was leaving and it was even sadder still leaving people behind. But in true Ithaca College party fashion, the “house cooling/going away a party” was a big… BOUNCE!

It was weird saying goodbye to people that night, because normally it’s just a hey I’ll see you next week, and this time it wasn’t really goodbye, still more of a I’ll see you later type deal, but it was weird because I had no idea when the next time I would see some of these people again. Sad, but still things hadn’t actually set in yet.

The day after the party, I put myself in my room with a hangover, that doesn’t happen hardly ever so I guess I was long over due. I said goodbye to a couple of people that night post hangover and it was sad, but it still hadn’t dawned on me what that really meant till days later.

The day before I left was the longest day ever, I had so much to get done and clean and pack up in my car, and people still wanted to see me. I was tired cranky and just wanted to not go anywhere, or see anyone. It was a very stressful day, but I got through it by a little help from my friends. I said goodbye to the rest of everyone that night, saving some of the people I was closest to for last because I really hate saying goodbye to those people (every time I say goodbye to Hungiemuffin it’s a very long time before I see her again, and I always always always cry like a baby L ) but again I did it. I put my feelings out there to the people I loved.

So… The news was out, applications were out, I put my futon, tv stand and mattress out on Craigslist, selling the first two items, I put many of my clothes that were too big and items that wouldn't fit in my car out into the world of Goodwill, I purchased cat carriers and leashes for the kitties and I had a route all planned out, I had a road trip buddy picked out and… it was time for me to get out.

Putting it all out on the table and...

…deciding what I want in life.

A week or so after my job ended I had very long talk with a good friend of mine. He likes to give me advice and weigh in on what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my life. I don’t mind too much, because I keep going back to him for advice, so I’m either glutton for punishment or I must think he know what he’s `doing.

Anyway, I digress.

It is no secret, and hasn’t been for years that I have very specific and high aspirations for my career goals. I won’t post them here directly, but let’s just say the job I want involves getting my ass up at some ungodly hour and being sent all over the world/US tracking down great stories and covering big events. And well, those goals can’t actually be achieve in Los Angeles.

This is something I’ve written about in past blogs, and journals. The eternal, do I live where I love to live, or do I move 3000 miles back to east to work where I would love to work. Because I can’t actually have both. (though I do looooove NY!)

So I actually had the discussion out loud with said friend, for the first time. He told me I needed to decide what I want and what was more important to me, living Los Angeles, and giving up the long time dream of said job on the east coast or giving up living in Los Angeles for an attempt to get the job that I’ve always wanted.

Sounds so easy. WRONG.

The conversation went on for awhile and it end with him just flat out telling me I needed to figure out what I want, because he couldn’t help me if I didn’t know what I wanted.

So I thought about it, and I had made the decision that I wasn’t going anywhere, I loooved Los Angeles, most of my best friends from college where there, I had a support system, a ridiculous number of flip flops that I could wear all year long,, an apartment that I loved (despite the roommate situation) and I couldn’t ever see myself giving up my car.

So it was settled, I was staying in Los Angeles, and I would just have to find something else to set my heart on as far as work went because I though staying in LA and finding a new goal would be easier than moving again trying to reach one goal.

So I went on about how I wanted to start dating (see post about online dating here) and how, once I found work, I wanted to settle down and buy a couch and a big screen, a king size bed, and get a nice 2 bedroom or large 1 bedroom for me and my beloved kitty cats.

This lasted about a week. Slowly the realization came that no, no I was not willing to give up the dream I’ve had for I don’t even know how many years. I got into television to do basically 2 things, having already done the Olympics twice and realizing that if I wanted to do more I’d probably have to be on the east coast for that anyway, it dawned on me it was time to start actually pursing my number 1 television goal of working for above aforementioned job! And no, I couldn’t do that in Los Angeles.

I realized that while sure I wanted a couch and a big screen and a boyfriend (and gasp maybe one day even a husband and family) getting all those things on the west coast was crazy, because one day I knew I was going to roll over on my king size bed, next to my cats (or boyfriend) and head off to work at a job that was so far away from what I set out to do that I would have to realize I might have made a mistake. I couldn’t buy a couch in LA and expect to take it 3000 miles away to NY if I decided to move there later in life. I couldn’t meet a man in LA and promise to stay in LA forever, knowing in the back of my mind I gave up the possibility of that dream job on the east coast and that someday staying in LA forever might not be in my plans and our relationship would end. That my friends was when I decided that in addition to NOT in anyway being able to give up the dream of working for the aforementioned job, I couldn’t become a grown up in LA because I knew even though I loved it I wasn’t always going to want to stay there.

So , after a long discussion with roommate and good friend B, when the crazy of idea of moving to NY at the end of the month to stay with my parents or extended family while I canvassed the entirety of the eastern sea board looking for work that would actually help me achieve the goal of working for aforementioned job, started to make more sense then staying in LA unemployed on my Ikea bed frame, where I didn’t own any furniture other than a futon and a cheap papas an chair , it was really time to go.

So, my readers, I set a date, started packing, and made the decision to actually move to New York!

If that’s not a big step in the year of putting myself out there I don’t know what is.

I put myself out there and decided I want to live in New York, work in New York and maybe even find a date in New York!

Putting myself out there ...

And realizing my worth, value and stepping up to recognize that I am a commodity.

So this entry will sound a lot different than the last entry, and it will make me sound like sort of a hypocrite, so let me just start out by saying there is a difference between taking a step backwards for a network job, and a network job that only lasts 4 days, and a deal with no end date.

I applied for a job that sound perfect, I wrote in my opinion a pretty great cover-letter to go along with my diverse and full resume, I gave an amazing interview one afternoon sometime in the middle of July. In fact, it went so well, I was actually asked to do another one right there with someone else, and that was going well too, until I heard the dread words “You are not quite qualified” which was odd, because this company called me in for said job, so if I wasn’t qualified then why exactly am I in this office?

Then a little better words were uttered “But you are over qualified for this other job we have open, but would you be interested?” So, I thought to myself, uh sure, maybe, but there would probably have to be a pretty interesting deal worked out, but… I stood my ground and said honestly, I think I’d be ready to take on the responsibilities of the job I was brought in for (and not just because it was the same job I held elsewhere) and while I understand the other department is probably more directly related to what I want to do long term, I’d like to keep pursuing the job I applied for, but I will keep my options open. I left knowing that if nothing else I would be granted a second, well third, interview.

And I was. And when I got there, even after I got glowing recommendations from people who said I should get the job I applied for, and gave a good interview the first 2 times etc etc I was being interviewed for the lower position. Now keep in mind the job I applied for was very similar to 2 jobs I had held in the past, and it was the same title I had held twice before, so a step backwards for a long term gig was hard to swallow…but alas I pressed on and thought… Okay, I’ll roll with this because I could easily see how it would be related to my long term career goals, and if by what I was told in interview number 2, I was over qualified for the job I was now being interviewed for I’d get promoted quickly, so okay why not. It was tough to swallow, but I kept telling myself it all work out, it will all work out…

After a test of my editing skills, and yet another interview I was told that I would hear back by early August. So, I waited, and wondered, and speculated, and prepared myself for what would be offered, and what I would counter offer with, and just hoped it would all work out…

In the end, a deal could not be reached,, and I had to step and recognize that while the economy is bad, and while times are tough, and even though I am not the only person in LA with a pretty decent resume, and that while I only have 4.5 years of experience, that maybe just maybe I might actually deserve more than was being offered, that I am worth more than what was on the table, if nothing else I was at least worth the job I had already done before, and even if it meant waiting a little longer and a more days of having no purpose, I couldn’t agree to the deal that was being offered and if they couldn’t agree to what I was asking for then it wasn’t going to work for either side. Having the job not work out over something like money, was odd, but oddly liberating at the same time. I actually think both myself and the company are better off for the deal not working.

And I just want to point out, it wasn’t just about money, though fine it played a big part. It was about a lot of things, how big the company was or wasn’t, how actually related to my long term goals was or wasn’t it, and while I could see it being related, I didn’t see it being directly on the path I wanted to take, it was about what I was expected to do with the title I was being offered, it was about where I was going and what I wanted, and what they needed, in the ended what they needed wasn’t someone like me, who probably would have realized shortly into it that I wanted to be some place else.

It was a strange few days, but I found it liberating, and I found out that I am a lot stronger than I thought.

I put myself out there and while on some level I may have missed out on the opportunity for a job, I gained the opportunity to stand up for myself, and learn a little something.

Putting myself out there ...

...and taking a temp job a few steps backwards

So , I hate being unemployed, we've established this, I hate having no purpose, and on some levels I’m willing to take any type of work.

So, I did, and before you go there, no I didn’t become a prostitute or a stripper. I took a 4 day gig as a PA on a talk show that isn’t even a talk show yet. Now, when I was a “PA” for other companies, I was always doing a lot more than an actual PA would do just because of circumstance, at one job my direct boss was let go for various reasons and while I was still labeled PA, I had assumed some of her job as a producer, and at a job awhile back PA was more like AP and we were only called PA’s because we were the second from the bottom on the totem pole. With the exception of one gig that lasted 2 days I had sort of skipped the whole going for coffee part of my television career in Los Angeles. So when I walked into the supervisors office for an interview he said those words I actually really dread hearing “You’re over qualified for this job”, yes, true, but I wanted it. I wanted it because I needed something to do, and I really love working on talk shows, and I figured, if this show ever went anywhere, at least I’d be on the radar for a job, and hopefully an AP job.

So, I was offered the job, and I took the job, and I HAD A BLAST! I had so much fun, and sure it was running errands and getting someone coffee and holding cue cards, but I had a blast. It was nice to be working, it was nice to once again be part of team, it was nice to get a paycheck LOL.

And it was humbling, it made me remember that there are people out there who do what I was doing for a lot longer than I ever had, and that there are a lot of little things that are so important to the over all big picture of a television production. The chef in the cooking segment wanted aged balsamic, do you know how hard it is to find 12 year aged balsamic?? I didn’t either, but it was important I find it because he needed it for the segment. It was humbling, but in the best possible way, it reminded me why I love TV, and why I bust my ass, because while it was fun for a few days, no, I don’t want to spend my life getting coffee, and no I don’t want to be a “go-for”, but it made me appreciate the jobs I have had, and the jobs still hope to get that much more.

We in TV take these jobs because, the fact of the matter is you never know what is going to be the next big thing, for all I know this show could turn into something next year and my phone might ring and maybe I'll work for what becomes the next Oprah. I have friends who took day jobs for small companies with not a lot of shows yet, and then said company sold a biggie and they are now staffed on major prime time shows. We takes these jobs because you never know who you are going to meet, or who will one day help you get a full time well paying job, or you never know who will help you get to where you really want to go. So I knew I couldn't turn this albeit short and a few step backwards job because it was for a big network, with possibility, and who knows where it could lead.

Overall it was fun, and as of yet nothing has become of it, and maybe it never will, who is to say?

And maybe in coming years I’ll forget all about my 4 days there, and it will only come back to me when I see the show premier in a year or so, but for right now while it is still fresh in my mind, I will look back on that as a really good job in TV.

Look for my next entry where I put myself out there... and kind of sound like a hypocrit... so much more tell you gentle readers, so much more to tell you.

Putting myself out there ...

...and getting to know my new roommate.

Also known as Putting my apartment out there and finding a Craigslist roommate Part 2 (Boy was I wrong)

Maybe this entry should be called, putting myself out there and admitting I was wrong, because for those of you who know me admitting I'm wrong is something I do not do!

But I digress...where was I going with this?

Oh yes, for the first week or so everything was working swimmingly with the new roommate. She was nice, respectful, clean and her dog was super cute. I still had a few weeks of work left so I was rarely home, and I was busy and things were looking up. She had moved in the last week of May and I didn't really feel the need for her to pay for a week of rent, because at that point I was using move in now for only your security deposit and pay rent June 1, as a selling point. So on June 1, I asked for rent, thinking I would get it.

Here's the first time I was wrong.

"Oh! I don't have checks, but I'll run to the bank tomorrow and get you cash"

I was fine with this, because, we've all been new to LA, and if it was going to be cash on June 2nd, then really the money was going to clear right away so, okay.

June 2nd, she gives me 400 in cash, because her bank doesn't let her take out more than that at 1 time because she is a new customer. Well that sounded strange, but banks have strange policy's so fine.

June 3rd, we go to the bank so she can take out the other 250 she owes me. She "can't for some reason"

June 4th, still trying to get cash out

June 5th, two of bills hit the bank and because I had just paid my rent and a third of hers and forgot to move money from savings into my account and I hadn't gotten my last paycheck yet, I overdraft...GRRRR!

June 6th, I finally get the rest of the money she owes me. She had promised to pay my overdraft fees, but that didn't happen.

Okay, so I figured, alright just the first time, this shit happens, she does have a new bank and banks have weird policy's, I'm going to let it go because it was still cheaper than having to pay the whole rent only split by 2.

June 28th, to avoid the issue from the last time rent was due I text her to ask for a check early so it will clear in time to pay. We had been in and out all week so I hadn't seen her a whole lot

June 29th, I text her again to tell her I need rent that day, no response.

June 30th, I get a letter (a letter!) telling me she can't pay rent because she didn't her check from school yet and she had already spent all the money she had gotten from school in the months previous!

Um, okay don't panic yet, because I too was almost screwed that month by Unemployment check coming late, and figured we could just get an extension for July 1.

B had returned at this point and after some creative math, and some money lending, between he and I we manage to come up with both our rents and A's. Assuming we'd both get paid back in the next week or so.

Wrong... because she then told us she wouldn't get her finaide check till July 21 or later!

Okay, at this point we couldn't kick her out because rent was paid and we knew we didn't want to pay Aug 1 rent only 2 ways. (though since we had already split July 1 rent 2 ways bc of our unreliable roommate I don't know why we just didn't)

July went by with me being broke and my UE checks coming not every 2 weeks like they were supposed to be because I am bad at paperwork, and the mail in LA blows! BLOOOOOOOOOWS. So I really needed the money she still owed me for July rent etc. Loooooong story short, we finally got paid back August 1 for both July and August rent. ARGH.

So here's what we learned from putting my apartment out there and getting a 22 y/o new to LA Craigslist Roommate.

DON'T DO IT! they will mooch not only rent, but food, grocery money off of you. They will let the dog shit everywhere and blame the kitties, she will get money from her family and rather than give it to those she owes it too or chip in for house food she will spend it on clothing and then get upset when you ask her for it. She will chatter endlessly, make our with your friends and get wasted like a child and embarass the fuck out of you when are nice enough to invite her out with you and your friends.

Once again, I put myself out there, I was NICE, and it managed to backfire on me.

Le sigh, I put myself out there and I got screwed, it's a good thing I'm resilient , because between this, and the OkCupid disaster, and bunch of bad job interviews, I might have just holed up in cave (with cable! and the kitties) and never put myself out there again!

Putting my apartment out there...

...and getting a Craigslist roommate (this will be a 2 part entry, see the second part tomorrow)

For starters, the hardest part about not updating my blog in months is there is a lot of back story to getting to where I am today (and that is both a literal and figurative reference).

But okay, here we go.

I lived in the bottom of a duplex in a great old, east coast style house, washer dryer in house, and with a bedroom available with a huge closet, a private half bath, all hardwood floors, huge kitchen, parking space in a private driveway, shared with myself, my good friend B, and 2 adorable friendly cats. Cheap rent split 3 ways, cable and wireless internet already in house. See pictures below.

If that sounds like it could be a Craigslist ad, it's because it was basically a craigslist ad. The Craigslist ad for my apartment. B (a very good friend who moved in with me in April, but only really lived with me for about 10 days before he got into a motorcycle accident, thus leaving me with our very large 3 bed 1.5 bath house all to myself) and I had tried to convince our landlord to lower the rent of our apartment so we could rent it between ourselves and not have to get a third roommate, despite saying she was fine with it twice (I have witnesses) she ended up not lowering our rent to split between just the 2 of us. First off, it's not like we were asking for a 1/3 reduction, we were asking for 150 a month off, of our already over priced apartment. Alas no, so we decided in the interest of saving money, we'd find a third.

We tried all the not Craigslist ways first, asking people we know, posting it on facebook, asking people we know to ask people they know, so on and so forth. No bites, okay fine, Craigslist it was. I tried, half heartedly at first and got no bites. I tried a little harder and added more pictures and more description and I got some bites.

People actually came to the house to check it out, but what does one say when someone comes to check out the apartment?!?!!? What does one say about themselves as well? it's worse than a job interview, because at least with a job interview you are not being judge on your personal life, how you keep your house, you taste, and your ability to clean a kitchen floor that no matter how hard you try will just not stay clean for more than 10 seconds! After a couple of people came, we still got no where. No where at all. It was worse than online dating and worse than getting rejected from a job, well what is wrong with me, my house etc?!?!?

No idea, I cleaned the house, I lit candles, I even made my bed, I organized things just so, I made sure the house looked homey and I was welcoming. No idea what I was doing wrong. Sure, we didn't live in the greatest are of LA, but I got robbed in the valley and mugged at gun point in Hollywood...and never had any sort of problem in my little section of Koreatown...

It's like being rejected from a birthday party in grade school, it's like not getting a second date, it's like being turned down at bar! It's kind of insulting, why don't you want to live with me in our apartment? I started to wonder what was wrong with me, was I smelly? OMG did I become the smelly kid in class? Did I sound desperate and creepy, I feel like my friends would have told me if I was creepy. Do I look super poor? Omg! Maybe I should get a flat screen and a cleaning lady and a decorator? (nope, trying to get a roommate to save money!) Should I offer to cook dinner every night? Should I mention, I'm a workaholic and it's okay if you like the apartment and not me because I'm NEVER there? I don't know. Talk about feeling vulnerable and like a loser, at least on OKcupid I found guys who wanted to get in my pants, I couldn't even find a roommate on Craigslist who wanted to call me back after I offered them the apartment!

So after 2 months of trying, B and I decided screw it, we could find a cheaper place where we could have our own bathrooms, and a little bit more updated bright apartment. We even found a place I was going to check out Downtown.

Then I got laid off, and since B was on disability because aforementioned motorcycle accident, so despite the fact that we were upstanding nice people with good rental histories, we highly doubted the coveted Downtown LA apartment complex was going to take us without either of us having full time jobs.

So, once again back to Craigslist. I must have posted the ad above 15 times over the course of 3 days, breaking every rule of Craigslist, but we were desperate. Then the battle became how do I show this apartment, and not sound desperate. I was bad at this, and it showed, 3 people came to visit before I even had one person who was remotely interested. Then, when they showed even the slightest interest I'm pretty sure I scared them away.

Enter, 22 year old Fashion School fresh from the East Coast roommate candidate. She was desperate for a place to live, and I was desperate for someone to share the rent with us. She seemed normal, responsible if not a bit young, and willing to pay, so I gave her a pen and an application and we signed on the dotted line.

Someone was moving in and I would have a nice, normal, seemingly awesome human companion in the house until B returned and I would not yet become a crazy cat lady (though I actually really looooooooooooved having the whole house to myself for those 2 mos, no offense B!) and B and I had someone to take over 1/3 of rent.

Done and Done...

Or so we thought...

Putting myself out there an admitting...

...I'm an unhappy unemployment collecting not busy person.

I am unhappy without my job, I don’t like collecting Unemployment because it makes me feel like a waste of space and a drain on society, it makes me feel like a loser and like the very types of people I despise. Not to say there is anything wrong with collecting for a short time, and not to say that all people who collect are losers, because, well we're not. But unfortunately there are people out there who are bums who collect government money and have no qualms about it. and I judge those people kind of harshly, and here I am, collecting unemployment. I am afraid (and pretty sure) people are judging me for it, harshly... I hate being judge, but I am not afraid of being judgmental. I mean I guess I paid into it, but still. I could get a part time job, but I would actually make less money that way, and would be in even more trouble and probably even more unhappy.

I have qualms, but I can't afford life without it, so I collect it. I was hoping it would be a short time, I was hoping I wouldn't need to do it at all. But I didn't find a job in 3 days like I did last time, and I didin't find a job in 3 weeks like I did when I first moved to LA, in fact I didn't find a job in 3 mos... le sigh.

This whole scenario has made me me really really bummed out, and really really useless, and really insecure. And I am unhappy.

I am unhappy, it is a hard thing to admit, because when I was working even on my saddest most not happy days, even when things were falling apart sometimes literally around me I always tried to put on a happy face, and always act like things were fine. So saying I’m unhappy, and putting it out in the world of the internet is a big step in the whole putting myself out there campaign.

This explains why it has been awhile, I am unmotivated and broke, I can't afford to do expensive things, or anything really, and I don't feel like I've done anything worth writing about. I have been unmotivated and lazy, I even stopped going to the gym, I stopped waking up early and having a plan of action for the day, I sleep in and I watch TV, and I am unhappy with that. I am unhappy because I am doing nothing and I am doing nothing because I am happy. The cycle needed to end.

Being unhappy has not been the only reason I haven't blogged, but the rest of the reasons are for other entries, I started with this one because I think it is a good catalyst for how I got to the place I am now, and it is a good jumping of point for the next few entries.

All I can say is, much has changed my fellow reader, much has changed, and I plan on putting it all out there, because I have recently done the biggest putting myself out there thing of all….

Putting myself out there and

Ignoring my blog?

NO! I will not ignore my blog any longer. I really do want to put myself out there and I really do want to continue this blog. So come back soon (like tonight or tomorrow) and I my friends will tell you all about my putting myself out there adventures!

More to come my friends, more to come.

You, inspired me, how putting myself out there is helping put other people out there too.

I got the nicest phone call today. A far away in distance, but never far away by heart friend called just to leave me a message, but I answered, color her stunned, I don't always answer my phone, call it a flaw, but I'll put it on the list of things to work on this year.

Anyway, far away friend S called to tell me that I had inspired her. She has been apparently reading this blog and said she felt the need to try new things and to volunteer at new places and try to meet new people. She just had break up and instead of sitting on her ass thinking woe is me, she first joined the gym, and second read my blog and now third is also putting herself out there.

Well far away friend in distance but never far away by heart, I wish you luck, joy and love :)

It wasn't necessarily only my list, but I'm glad that this blog can help others as well.

Not staying in... literally going "out there"

I spent many many many Friday nights, and many many many Saturday nights at home on my couch, with the cats. It's not for lack of invitations out, it's for lack of having any motivation to deal with what going out really means in this city. For starters, one has to drive almost everywhere, and since I tend to be a bit of a control freak I end up driving all my drunk friends around. So, I'm sober and the DD and no one can figure out why that isn't exactly fun for me. But whatever.

I generally believe in good sober fun anyway, a little buzz, a lot buzzed now and then fine, but I always like to know how I, and all of my friends are getting home safe. So generally speaking, in order to avoid getting annoyed with lack of organization and avoid trying to figure out who will stay sober to drive everyone back, and in order to avoid getting things spilled on me etc etc. I tend to stay in on the weekends because while it's not exactly fun and exciting, it's safe and relaxing.

But this weekend, I went out, both Friday and Saturday, I didn't turn down invitations, even though part of me wanted nothing more than to stay at home and do nothing, but since the layoff I've been doing a lot of that anyway, so it was time to get off my ass.

I would love to tell you I got dressed up to the nines and crashed some fabulous party and drank my way my through expensive liquors and danced with handsome men, and came home with a ride from a stranger in a fancy car at dawn and fell into bed and slept the day away to get rid of the hangover. That in the 2 months of this blog I have become the most popular, out there and more confident party goer I have always wanted to be!

Alas, that didn't happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't have a great time! I had a great time! It's funny, on the one hand I'm not surprised at all, I went out with my roommate (who is one of my best friends) my best friend and my best friends mom and bunch of other good friends were joining up with us later for to see one of our favorite bands of all time. But part of the reason I don't go out often is no matter how good something sounds a head of time, something always ends up being waaaay more complicated than it needs to be. Which probably isn't anyone's fault, I think it might just have to do with being 20 somethings in Los Angeles, a city where the metro stops running, cabs are really over priced and hard to come by, unless you want to stay with in your neighborhood, it's just flat out hard to get around.

So Friday night, despite all the awesome things and people that were in front of me, I was apprehensive, but I'm happy to say it was unfounded. We started the night out for dinner at our fave Mexican restaurant, with five dollar margaritas and entree's so large you have to split them, so cheap and amazing. Spent the time catching up with my best friend's mom who is one of my favorite people ever, and just having good conversation. When it came time to head to the show, someone else offered to drive! I didn't have to drive, and while that didn't mean that I was going to drink, it was just nice to not have to drive for once. The Rescues as usual were AMAZING... one of the best bands I've seen live ever, and I've seen them like 5 or 6 or even more times now and they just keep getting better! We even found a corner of the bleacher seats in the loft to sit at (a friend is on crutches...more on that in another post) and we could actually see and hear the band and even the comments we made amongst ourselves. Just an all around great time. We met downstairs after with 3 other friends everyone was glad to see each other and we agreed to finish the night with some good cheap beer and good conversation down the road. Good, clean sober fun. The whole evening reminded me of what it is I do actually go out. So maybe, I'll continue on this going out thing for a bit, I am young after all.

Last night my other best friend (we will refer to her in this blog as hungiemuffin), so last night Hungiemuffin and I decided to try something new. As part of this whole "putting myself out there" situation I pretty much have not decline these offers to do new things, so off we trotted to a jazz club. She has been looking to find places to sing jazz at, and I have been looking to just get out of the normal bar scene. So we got dressed up and headed out...only to find that jazz club had a $5 dollar cover, and electronica bands playing for the evening. Now, a 5 dollar cover would have been fine if there was actual jazz, but alas no. While part of me wanted nothing more at that point to end the adventure there, call it a night and walk a little further down the street to the comfort of Yogurtland, that's not what we did. I turned to my hungiemuffin and said "You said there was a karaoke place at the end of the street?" and off we went. Only to find that no in fact there wasn't a karaoke place at the end of the street. Strike 2. Still mostly undeterred we decided to wander across the street into the little outdoor Little Tokyo mall, and find another karaoke place. Very excited to now have found a new place for the evening we wandered in to a couple singing "Don't Speak" drunkly on stage, we sat, ordered some Udon and waited for more singes. And waited, and waited. No one else got up on stage and while we could have gotten up to sing, we agreed that it would be more fun if we had a bunch of people we know with us. Sort of an epic fail for a wild and crazy evening, but we still had fun, and found a great new hang out, that is cheap, nearish enough by, and that does in fact have karaoke, which I imagine with a large group of friends will be a really really great time!

So maybe I didn't have the most epic weekend ever, but I didn't stay in. And I went some places I hadn't ever been before, and discovered that they were excellent. If I hadn't been putting myself out there I never would have thought of going to Little Tokyo, despite the fact that for months I literally drove past it during carpool and always commented on how fun it looked with no real desire to check it out. Glad I finally did. So maybe this chick will venture out more often, and maybe in the process, I'll become that more fun person I've talked about becoming and maybe even in the process I'll accidently naturally meet someone... who knows, but I think I feel good things coming.

Girl vs. Car/and doing things you don't want to do because you know you should

For the record, I hate having to spend money on my car, I hate that it cost money to have one, and I hate that I am the stereotypical girl when it comes to my car.

I need to windshield wipers during a major rain storm a few months back, I made (or asked nicely by sticking out my bottom lip, and batting my eyes) change them for me during said rainstorm. My car stalled out last year in the parking lot of work, I had the security office jump it for me. I don't have AAA though I really should, and I don't know the difference between the expensive oil and the stuff that is on sale, and I generally get screwed over in said situation either way.

So, last week, yes, last week, when I was told by a nice drive in the lane next to me during rush hour traffic that I need to put air in my back drivers side tire, I kindly thanked him and promptly forgot. Until yesterday when I said to my roommate that I really needed to put air in my tire. Being the girl that I am, and the amount of lazyness that set in since I've been laid off, I didn't do it because well the gas station was on the other side of the street and I was in the wrong lane.

Flash forward a few hours later, said tire was flat... flat flat, like really flat. And, being the girl that I am don't know how to change a tire, and I once again I don't have AAA, even though I should. Sadly my roommate is on crutches, so he couldn't help and my other roommate is also a girl. I did what any self respecting LA girl would do, I complained about it and waited to figure out a way for someone else to change it for me. Enter my upstairs neighbors. I finally decided that my other male friend who was on his way over, wouldn't know how to change it either, and my other friend who changed the windshield wipers would probably never let me live it down if I called him again for yet another car related problem (he also sits in the back of my car every time I think I hear a noise and has also let me pull my car into his driveway so he could smell the smell I was so convinced was coming from my car). So the neighbors it was. Nice guys really, so they came out and changed my tire for my spare thing in the trunk and now I have to make them cookies.

Today, I ran all over town with said spare tire thingy on my car so I could help out my roommate who cannot drive at the moment due to being seriously injured a few months back in a motorcycle accident. But then I really had to go get my tire changed. I dropped off said roommate at my house determined to do at least getting the tire changed on my own.

I didn't necessarily believe in the whole "girls will get treated differently at car places" until I actually a few years ago saw it with my own eyes. But, alas off I troted to the tire places. Being a girl, I'm a bit...sneaky?... manipulative?...clever... I'll go with clever, I knew the first place I went too would probably try to convince me I had to get all new tires, or that it would cost x number of dollars to blah blah and I had no idea what kind of tire I needed, or how much it would cost. So I went to one tire place to get all the info I needed so I could throw a fit at the cost, storm out and then go to another car place with all the info I needed and get somewhat of a fair deal because despite the fact I have boobs, blondish hair and was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a cat on it, I might have some idea of what I was talking about. So, after being told 103 dollars for a new tire and installation and something else at one place, I did in fact tell him it was too much storm off and proceeded to get a more expensive tire, a patch job for the other tire I apparently needed to have patched and all 4 tires balanced, for 85 dollars. Not to shabby, still more than I wanted to pay, but if nothing else this will serve as a lesson for doing things I should do even when I don't want to them because in the long run I really need too.

I'm not quite sure how this is in anyway putting myself out there, I guess it's a lesson I will need to work on during the course of this year of putting myself out there, and I probably need to call up said male friend who put on my wipers etc etc for my car and ask him to teach me how to change my own tire... so if nothing else next time I can save money on the installation and not knock on my neighbors door to have them put the spare tire thingy on it... and maybe figure out what the spare tire thing is actually called.

Short Post (to make up for yesterday's lack of post)

And more to come later.

As I sat at my computer yesterday, I realized I didn't have much to write about. And this made me kind of sad, not because I didn't post, but because I didn't have anything to post about. One could make the small leap that, if that's the case, maybe I am not putting myself out there enough?

Onward to the weekend, and let's hope I have new things to talk about soon!

A few little things I've done

Maybe it took me over a month to put up a real post but it doesn't mean I haven't tried anything new since then. Certainly nothing earth shattering, but a few little things here and there as part of the year of putting myself out there.

So let's see...

I have in fact learned to drive in the far left lane despite the fact that I am afraid of hitting the guardrail. I used to grip my steering so tight that my knuckles would turn white and I would only go in the far left lane if absolutely necessary. I would do it for a few minutes and start to freak out if I couldn't move over. I have also been known to stay behind slow people to avoid moving in to the left lane. So a few weeks ago, living in LA, I realized it was time to get over this stupid fear. I started out slowly, voluntarily getting in that lane, and driving a few more moments after I started to freak out. Gradually, I could drive down the lane for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually I could actually drive in the lane almost all the way to work (almost 40 miles at the time) and didn't freak out. Passing while in the far left lane was another story. In doing that I was always afraid in an effort to NOT hit the guardrail, I'd hit the car in the lane to the right of me. But again, being in LA where traffic is a pain in the butt, I figured if nothing else I should learn to do it, to say that I can, not to do it all the time. I tried on the way home from work a couple of times (not during carpool, I probably would have had to explain the whole afraid of the left lane and what I was trying to do and I would have never heard the end of it...) and it was a colossal failure the first few times, I'd chicken out slow down and one time I almost got rear ended because I slowed down to much. But eventually, I could actually do it. I don't make a habit of it by any means, I just do it when it is necessary . So not some huge earth shattering accomplishment, but I can cross of those two things on the list of things that scared me that I can now do.

My dear sweet hungiemuffin (haha a great nickname for pretty much my favorite person ever!) and I decided that after her being her over a year, and me being here almost 4 that we should in fact explore Los Angeles, because there are many many places that haven't been seen. So we trotted off to the Getty Center first. I had always been told that the Getty Center was where bad European art ended up because it wasn't good enough for actual European art Galleries. Hungiemuffin (who was an art history major) pretty much agreed, but we wanted to see the Da Vinci exhibit and decided to go up anyway. For starters, it's free! Save for parking, but really 15 dollars split 2 ways for hours of entertainment and some really cool things to look at, in LA, isn't a bad deal at all. We looked at the Da Vinci stuff, wandered a few rooms of what did in fact turn out to be bad European art, somethings were very pretty though, and then ended up at the Getty Gardens outside. Let me tell you, this was where the really neat stuff was. We had so much fun wandering around and looking at all the plant life and taking pictures and generally just being us. It was awesome!

See, very pretty.

Then, despite living a mile from Downtown LA, I've never really explored much of it. So again, on Saturday afternoon, hungiemuffin and I decided to wander. We were in search of her co-workers parent's new store. Which leads me to my next exciting adventure, buying new bras, (sorry guys....) it was long over due, and I was quickly running out of bra's at home I could wear. I'm proud to say, I am 2 size around smaller than I was when I lost bought bra's! I so didn't want to buy new ones because I had no idea what size I was, but I knew it was needed and I knew I had to figure it out sometime so yay! A little strange buying bra's from a friends parents, but what are you going to do?

Hungiemuffin and I continued to wander, we didn't try street food in downtown LA, though it smelled like NYC street food and we thought about, next time we figure we'll be a little more daring. We wandered the fashion district, the toy district and a few other little places that I don't remember, all and all good fun, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to get to downtown LA fast, and never leave.

What else, oh! Talking to random guys in bars. Again, not looking for a husband, or an easy lay, or even anything from them, but out the other evening, I was in rare form. I had confidence in myself and totally sober, I told one guy I was a ninja, after he commented on having to be stealthy online for work, I was told by the DJ in relation to him needing to move a speaker he "needed to be right where you are" to which I for whatever reason replied "it's okay, I get that allll the time." Normally in bars, I'm passive and annoyed, but I was out in super rare form that evening. I even managed a conversation with some on the patio that went pretty well, and I'm sure if I was in it, or out at said bar for any reason other than what I was, said conversation could have gone on to something else. But, we were out celebrating a friends birthday, and I wasn't there to look for a date, oh no, I was actually there to get my dance on. And we danced, and danced and danced, I mean granted it wasn't clubbing by any means, and it wasn't a crazy people all over us dancing on us with us dance party, it was bad 80's and 90's dance music in a fairly open space on the top floor of a random bar in Hollywood, but damnit, it was fun! And waaaay out of my comfort zone at all.

I've got a few more things to add to the list of stuff, I've tried, and done and put myself out there for, so look for more to come.

And there are few more things I still want to try as the year goes on:

* Actual Clubbing, because apparently I stepped out of the room long enough for friends of mine to decide I was going clubbing.

* Vegas, because I have actually no desire to go, and I have friends who think I just need to go, I will of course do it on my terms so there is no insanity that ensues.

*Trying tacos Juanita :) Street taco truck I always drive by and don't eat.

*many many more

Putting myself out in the "dating world"...

Also known as the "joys" of online dating.

For starters, I had no desire to even attempt online dating. In fact for the most part I had every intention of staying single, buying a condo and only having enough room for me, the kitties, and my future pomeranian. I have somehow managed to sabotage any semblance or chance of a relationship I've ever had in one way or another, and let me tell you that list is short to begin with.

So last year when one of my best friends from my whole life got married, another found love in a roommate and then moved to a sweet downtown loft, yet another paired off with his perfectly charming significant other, and set after set of couple friends got engaged. This all left me kind of wishing maybe I too had someone, other than my kitties, to go home too?

I'm certainly not looking for a husband at this point in my life, but I recognize that if I want to maybe one day have a husband, a family and all that goes with it I should probably start to date? The way I figure, it takes time to build a relationship, and I am not getting any younger.

I was firmly against the idea of actively seeking out a boyfriend/date/friend with benefits, I mean aren't these things supposed to happen naturally? But when you're me and you're a workaholic, and most of your best friends in the near area are guys, and you have a strict rule of not dating co-worker, and you've already crossed over into "friend/sister" mode with all the men around you... that doesn't leave much room for meeting some naturally to occur.

So, I realized I had to open myself up to the "cyber world of men" (I can't take credit for that line, I stole it from a friend who used it in her hilarious song, "Match.com" see lyrics and link below) I had seen it work for the aforementioned friend, the aforementioned bride, and the aforementioned paired off friend with his charming significant other, and I have a friend on the east coast who said she was trying it. So I figured what the hell... according to match.com's ads 1 and 3 people now meet "that special person" online. So, I broke my own rule (see I said I was going to do that in the first post) and logged on to okcupid.

At first, it wasn't so bad, post pictures of myself (and I just lost some 60lbs so I'm actually okay with the idea of putting pics of myself online) talk about my likes my dislikes and describe myself in 1000 words or less. Kind of like facebook, but I'm not sharing this profile with my professional/personal/and familiar networks. I sent a couple of messages, got a couple back, nothing really showing any promise, but if I was to be honest to myself and my loyal readers (well reader at this point) I wasn't really trying, I didn't log on ever, I just left it up there and figured meh.

Then the layoff happened and I figured, I'm bored and my savings would only last so long, and an unemployment check is a huge pay cut from my normal salary, so if nothing else I could find someone to talk to over a nice dinner I didn't have to pay for. I kicked it up a notch in recent weeks, getting online daily, sending more messages, winks, icebreakers, and I got a few responses. And then I started getting IM's, actually having conversations with these unknown men. At first it was going well, I found men who liked to cook like I did, who liked the same music, who didn't mind that my ass was a size 12 (and almost a 10 today!), and a few who even told me I was "adorable" or "lovely" which hell isn't what every girl wants to hear?

Then it took a turn for the worst, and I found guys who just wanted to get in my pants. Which ya know what fine, but if that's what I was looking for I would just wear a low cut top and whore myself out in a bar... I have great boobs, it wouldn't have been that hard. But I'm subjecting myself to this stupid website because I was looking for actual dating, and conversation, and all those other things that happen when you're mid way through your twenties and realize that maybe, just maybe you don't want to end up alone with your cats and future pomeranian.

Somehow, rejection was better, I am not just a walking pair of tits... I have a mind, thoughts, feelings, I'm pretty good at holding a conversation, and I'm not on a website to just get laid! I could have done that on craigslist, or a bar. I mean, honestly! I have yet to go back to said website, because in all honesty, I'm over it. I mean in effort to keep myself out there, or keep putting myself out there, I'll have to eventually go back... but maybe for the moment this girl is keeping herself in just a little longer.

And as promised the lyrics to my friends "Match.com" Song.

Well how do I describe myself in a thousand words or less?

That I would end up doing this, I never would have guessed

Why am I here? And what am I lookin for?

Guess I’m tired of the bars and wonderin if there’s somethin more…

Well I looked out one day into the cyber world of men

And little did I know what I was gettin myself in

It says “Click here to find who’s waitin for your next hello”

But are these guys real people that I’d even want to know?

Well we will take your money and provide you with your love

Just take a click and you can pick the one your dreamin of

Is this the answer, just turn my computer on?

Or have a sold my soul to the devil of match dot com

Well I’m already exhausted before he even calls

Too many screen names to remember, too much reading is involved

Is this really worth the fourty dollars that I paid?

When a date is like a one night stand except you don’t get laid

Interlude: Repeat

“Well hi my name is Jake and I just moved here to LA,

I’m just a laid back guy who’s lookin for an easy lay,

I promise I will cuddle and I treat a lady right,

So email me so I can give you my sweet love tonight”

“Um, hi, my name is Brian and I’m not sure what to say,

I thought I’d try this out because I can’t admit I’m gay,

So let’s go out to dinner and we’ll have a lovely chat,

And if things go well I might bring you home to meet my cats”

Am I really on this website lookin for my perfect mate

Do I really need to do this just so I can get a date?

Kill me now, that’s not me, that’s not who I want to be

Does the price of love really cost a monthly fee

Well I tried to unsubscribe and ‘course they wouldn’t let me leave

The fine print says “we’ll charge you next month automatically”

Now I am a slave once I turn my computer on

And I want to get my soul back from the devil of match dot com…

But the devil took my money, I don’t think it’s very funny

Will I ever get out of the hell of match dot com?

Or have I sold my soul

The devil’s on a roll

On match dot com!

- Jackie Sue Cook (www.jackiesuecook.com)

Putting myself out there and looking for...

... A new job.

Sadly, in the waaaay to much time it took me to post first actual post, my company downsized. I'd love to say I was surprised, but the writing had been on the wall for a few weeks. While it wasn't a total surprise it was a bit of a shocker.

So, quite literally for the last 3 weeks I have been putting my resume, my work experience, my references, and everything else, out there. And I have had some bites, some interviews, and a couple of suggestions I could head back to a job from the past. But, there is nothing in the world like losing your job (through no fault of my own mind you) to make on feel like a failure.

I had an interview that I thought went well, no I take that back, I thought it went great, I went it with glowing recommendations from people I used to work with, and rave reviews, I talked to the interviewer for over an hour and thought when I left I had sealed the deal.

Wrong.

I had another interview for a job I didn't even apply too, so color my stunned when I got there and had NO IDEA what was going on at the interview. I wont' be hearing back from them any time soon.

I have gotten rejection emails from companies that didn't even have the time of day to interview me. I guess it's better than the waiting game, but what the hell? Way to kick someone when they are down.

I hate interviews, and I hate looking for jobs. I'm an action person, and there are only so many jobs out there to apply too, I spend all day looking, refreshing pages, emailing people I know to see if there is anything out there. This is insanity. I repolish my resume daily, taking things out, putting new things on there, changing descriptions of things, writing coverletters, re-writing coverletters, etc.

It is hard to put yourself out into the world on a piece of paper. My mom always says that once people meet me it's hard not to notice my work ethic and enthusiasm. While I have a halfway decent resume, it's hard to get much from a piece of paper that someone will read for approx 8 seconds.

Le sigh...and then if there is an interview, it's worse than the first day of school, a date, the prom etc. What does one wear to these things? Something formal, but not to formal, business casual is great in NYC and in winter, in LA it's a bit more complicated... no flip flops, fine, easy enough, but then do I wear my black flats or the heels, or the knee high boots? Then make up... how much is too much, surely not going out on a Friday night make up, but how little is too little, you don't want to look like you spend all your time primping, but you don't want to look like you don't care. Hair? Up is more professional, but makes you look a bit stuck up, I work in TV, we don't really need more stuck up people there, down is too laid back, half up half down looks like a child's hair style... dear god.

Once you get in the door, it's a matter of conversation, but once it goes south, how do you get it back, once it delves into off topic things, is it over? And why is it that no one seems to know who they are talking too before they get in the room, why is it they feel the need to go over your resume point by point? ARGH!!

Talk about putting yourself out there! This whole process makes me feel so vulnerable, and frustrated... argh...

But in the mean time, I'm trying a whole host of other fun things to put myself out there... and I'll update with more adventures soon.