I am unhappy without my job, I don’t like collecting Unemployment because it makes me feel like a waste of space and a drain on society, it makes me feel like a loser and like the very types of people I despise. Not to say there is anything wrong with collecting for a short time, and not to say that all people who collect are losers, because, well we're not. But unfortunately there are people out there who are bums who collect government money and have no qualms about it. and I judge those people kind of harshly, and here I am, collecting unemployment. I am afraid (and pretty sure) people are judging me for it, harshly... I hate being judge, but I am not afraid of being judgmental. I mean I guess I paid into it, but still. I could get a part time job, but I would actually make less money that way, and would be in even more trouble and probably even more unhappy.
I have qualms, but I can't afford life without it, so I collect it. I was hoping it would be a short time, I was hoping I wouldn't need to do it at all. But I didn't find a job in 3 days like I did last time, and I didin't find a job in 3 weeks like I did when I first moved to LA, in fact I didn't find a job in 3 mos... le sigh.
This whole scenario has made me me really really bummed out, and really really useless, and really insecure. And I am unhappy.
I am unhappy, it is a hard thing to admit, because when I was working even on my saddest most not happy days, even when things were falling apart sometimes literally around me I always tried to put on a happy face, and always act like things were fine. So saying I’m unhappy, and putting it out in the world of the internet is a big step in the whole putting myself out there campaign.
This explains why it has been awhile, I am unmotivated and broke, I can't afford to do expensive things, or anything really, and I don't feel like I've done anything worth writing about. I have been unmotivated and lazy, I even stopped going to the gym, I stopped waking up early and having a plan of action for the day, I sleep in and I watch TV, and I am unhappy with that. I am unhappy because I am doing nothing and I am doing nothing because I am happy. The cycle needed to end.
Being unhappy has not been the only reason I haven't blogged, but the rest of the reasons are for other entries, I started with this one because I think it is a good catalyst for how I got to the place I am now, and it is a good jumping of point for the next few entries.
All I can say is, much has changed my fellow reader, much has changed, and I plan on putting it all out there, because I have recently done the biggest putting myself out there thing of all….
No comments:
Post a Comment