Putting my car out there...

...on the open road

(at the bottom of this post are the lyrics to the Goofy Movie Song "Out on the Open Road" because it has been stuck in my head all day!)

The first time I drove cross country I was with a very good friend and her sister and we were in 2 different cars, and by the end of day 1 we had just decided okay, let's just get to Los Angeles. I think we were both a bit shell shocked that we were moving cross country in the first place, so as much as we planned about stopping and seeing things we didn't. We arrived on September 1, 2006 and it wasn't the road trip we were hoping for. In fact the whole situation wasn't what we had expected, and I vowed to stay only 6 months.

So, 4 years (minus 1 day) into my 6 month stay in Los Angeles, I finally left. August 31, my road trip buddy, known in this blog as Babs (who is real LOL) took off. I had initially couldn't find a buddy, and thought I was going to have to do it solo, but thank God, Babs came through! :)

There we were, Babs, me, my beloved kitties and the open road. Unlike the first time I had a very planned out route, places to stop along the way, and things I wanted to see. And oh yeah, this time I had cat carriers, so it made things like stopping to see things a bit easier.

So our first "stop" was Vegas. Though, because our actual first stop was still 8 hours from Vegas, we did a Vegas drive-by, took pics and then headed further North/East. In 4 years in LA I didn't ever go to Vegas so it was nice to see. Our actual first stop for the night was in Salt Lake City Utah. I have always wanted go to Salt Lake since the 2002 Olympics, and I wanted to let my inner (and usually outer) Olympic geek out! We stayed with a good friend/practically family member who showed us amazing hospitality and a very nice evening in Salt Lake. We even found roads that were 80mph (DUDE) The next morning we headed out early towards Park City Utah to see the rest of the Olympic-y things. AWESOME!!! :) I was so amazed by everything in front of me. I have always been an Olympic geek, being in Torino in 06 really did only made it worse. Despite my love of the moving Cool Runnings and growing up really only hours from Lake Placid, NY, I had never seen a real bobsled track! It was sooooo cool, I was like bouncing out of my car! All and it all the whole morning was amazing, I even got a Salt Lake Pin!! Babs and I both found a love of Salt Lake City and I will one day retire there and work in the Salt Lake Winter Olympic Museum.

The first day in the car was loooong, almost 12 hours, the kitties were cranky, and Babs and I were tired, but all and all not a bad first day. I was so excited to be on the road with a good friend headed towards an Olympic Mecca that I didn't even have time to be sad so that was a step in the right direction.

After Salt Lake we headed on to Denver CO, yet another place I had never been. It was my goal to cross off more states on this trip and by day 2, I had added NV, UT, WY and CO to my already sort of good size list. We had a nice drive to Denver, very pretty, the kitties were in a much better mood day 2 and while we were looking to doing fun CO things, we were also very excited to sleep in our own beds at the hotel! LOL, at that point I hadn't slept in a real bed in days, since I had moved my mattress, slept on a friends coach and shared a bed with Babs the night before, I was looking forward to a nice bed. All day in the car we discussed where we were going to eat in Denver, because the goal was to eat things you could only get in the cities were going to be in and I wanted to try beer all along the way. About 20 mins from Denver, it hit me. What does CO have that would be an awesome place to stop and say we went too?!??

CASA BONITA!! (that's right we took the advice of Cartman and the Katy Perry Parody http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGpelWYFx0"> Colorado Girls And while the food wasn't the best either of has ever eaten by far, the margaritas were pretty good, and the atmosphere was pretty excellent, cliff divers, and arcade, music, and whole little Mexican like village in side, and these amazing Mexican puffy bread things which were amazing! It was a good time. Then we made what a good pilgrimage to the Real World 18 house (RW18 was my first paying gig in LA) and wandered a little bit in Denver's Downtown, hitting up the bar that was in the CO girls video where the are "Sipping Coors Light" though I didn't realize it till later. A pretty good stop in Denver if I do say so myself. We also tried to eat a cookie bigger than our heads, and even splitting it we couldn't do it. We also tried some great local beers that were not Coors light! We managed to get to bed fairly early that evening and were excited to hit the road again in the morning.

But that's all for now, I can't give away all the fun in one post now can I?

Putting the news out there...

… that I'm moving to New York at the end of the month out there.

(Okay, for starters I should mention this entry and the last 5 or so were written in past tense I’ve already moved to New York, but I had neglected my blog and I wanted to tell the story in the order things happened and putting at the end of the month might sound like I‘m moving soon, but in fact I already have moved so, forgive the messed up timeline. )

Harder actually than making the decision was telling my friends. I know I can’t base my whole life around what my friends are doing, but many of these people have been my support system for the better part of the last 4 years and a good chunk the better part of the last 8 years, so it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.

After talking to my roommate/good friend B, and Hungiemuffin I started talking to everyone else.

I started with the friend who told me to make a decision about what I wanted, I don’t think he believed I was going anywhere because I change my mind like I change my socks.

Moved on to friend who if I had to be honest on some level I followed to LA, and who had heard me threaten for years that I was going back to NY, when he was actually extremely supportive of my actually well thought plan, I knew I was making the right decision.

I told a few friends I was thinking about it at a bar one night, and while they were a bit sad to see me go, I don’t think they really thought I was going anywhere yet.

Then the month of August went on. And I still hadn’t told but a handful of people that I was actually going, I think on some level I too was in shock and afraid to actually say the words out loud because, what if for some reason I chickened out and didn’t go? What if at the last minute a job came through in LA and I found yet another reason to stay just a little longer? No, I wasn’t saying a word.

Then one night, about 3.5 weeks before I was set to roll out, I bumped into an entire group of friends at bar one night, and since I hadn’t see anyone for awhile, and I again if I had to be honest since I had been avoiding everyone for awhile we played catch up… and my big secret came out.

Now, news in the Ithaca alumni community travels faster than DP dough through an IC students digestive system (and us IC kids know that is faaaaaaast) so after I spilled the beans to some friends at a bar, I knew it was time to put it on Facebook.

An announcement was made and a date for my roommate B and my “house cooling” party was set. And I started to tell many other people, because the more people I told the more real it became. And hell if were going to throw a party, I was really going and there was no turning back now.

So, I started telling a few more people and asking for help in finding work on the east coast in my chosen field and help getting closer to the job I’ve always wanted. I started applying to jobs on the east coast and even had a few phone calls back. Life was really setting me up for the move east.

It was sad telling people I was leaving and it was even sadder still leaving people behind. But in true Ithaca College party fashion, the “house cooling/going away a party” was a big… BOUNCE!

It was weird saying goodbye to people that night, because normally it’s just a hey I’ll see you next week, and this time it wasn’t really goodbye, still more of a I’ll see you later type deal, but it was weird because I had no idea when the next time I would see some of these people again. Sad, but still things hadn’t actually set in yet.

The day after the party, I put myself in my room with a hangover, that doesn’t happen hardly ever so I guess I was long over due. I said goodbye to a couple of people that night post hangover and it was sad, but it still hadn’t dawned on me what that really meant till days later.

The day before I left was the longest day ever, I had so much to get done and clean and pack up in my car, and people still wanted to see me. I was tired cranky and just wanted to not go anywhere, or see anyone. It was a very stressful day, but I got through it by a little help from my friends. I said goodbye to the rest of everyone that night, saving some of the people I was closest to for last because I really hate saying goodbye to those people (every time I say goodbye to Hungiemuffin it’s a very long time before I see her again, and I always always always cry like a baby L ) but again I did it. I put my feelings out there to the people I loved.

So… The news was out, applications were out, I put my futon, tv stand and mattress out on Craigslist, selling the first two items, I put many of my clothes that were too big and items that wouldn't fit in my car out into the world of Goodwill, I purchased cat carriers and leashes for the kitties and I had a route all planned out, I had a road trip buddy picked out and… it was time for me to get out.

Putting it all out on the table and...

…deciding what I want in life.

A week or so after my job ended I had very long talk with a good friend of mine. He likes to give me advice and weigh in on what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my life. I don’t mind too much, because I keep going back to him for advice, so I’m either glutton for punishment or I must think he know what he’s `doing.

Anyway, I digress.

It is no secret, and hasn’t been for years that I have very specific and high aspirations for my career goals. I won’t post them here directly, but let’s just say the job I want involves getting my ass up at some ungodly hour and being sent all over the world/US tracking down great stories and covering big events. And well, those goals can’t actually be achieve in Los Angeles.

This is something I’ve written about in past blogs, and journals. The eternal, do I live where I love to live, or do I move 3000 miles back to east to work where I would love to work. Because I can’t actually have both. (though I do looooove NY!)

So I actually had the discussion out loud with said friend, for the first time. He told me I needed to decide what I want and what was more important to me, living Los Angeles, and giving up the long time dream of said job on the east coast or giving up living in Los Angeles for an attempt to get the job that I’ve always wanted.

Sounds so easy. WRONG.

The conversation went on for awhile and it end with him just flat out telling me I needed to figure out what I want, because he couldn’t help me if I didn’t know what I wanted.

So I thought about it, and I had made the decision that I wasn’t going anywhere, I loooved Los Angeles, most of my best friends from college where there, I had a support system, a ridiculous number of flip flops that I could wear all year long,, an apartment that I loved (despite the roommate situation) and I couldn’t ever see myself giving up my car.

So it was settled, I was staying in Los Angeles, and I would just have to find something else to set my heart on as far as work went because I though staying in LA and finding a new goal would be easier than moving again trying to reach one goal.

So I went on about how I wanted to start dating (see post about online dating here) and how, once I found work, I wanted to settle down and buy a couch and a big screen, a king size bed, and get a nice 2 bedroom or large 1 bedroom for me and my beloved kitty cats.

This lasted about a week. Slowly the realization came that no, no I was not willing to give up the dream I’ve had for I don’t even know how many years. I got into television to do basically 2 things, having already done the Olympics twice and realizing that if I wanted to do more I’d probably have to be on the east coast for that anyway, it dawned on me it was time to start actually pursing my number 1 television goal of working for above aforementioned job! And no, I couldn’t do that in Los Angeles.

I realized that while sure I wanted a couch and a big screen and a boyfriend (and gasp maybe one day even a husband and family) getting all those things on the west coast was crazy, because one day I knew I was going to roll over on my king size bed, next to my cats (or boyfriend) and head off to work at a job that was so far away from what I set out to do that I would have to realize I might have made a mistake. I couldn’t buy a couch in LA and expect to take it 3000 miles away to NY if I decided to move there later in life. I couldn’t meet a man in LA and promise to stay in LA forever, knowing in the back of my mind I gave up the possibility of that dream job on the east coast and that someday staying in LA forever might not be in my plans and our relationship would end. That my friends was when I decided that in addition to NOT in anyway being able to give up the dream of working for the aforementioned job, I couldn’t become a grown up in LA because I knew even though I loved it I wasn’t always going to want to stay there.

So , after a long discussion with roommate and good friend B, when the crazy of idea of moving to NY at the end of the month to stay with my parents or extended family while I canvassed the entirety of the eastern sea board looking for work that would actually help me achieve the goal of working for aforementioned job, started to make more sense then staying in LA unemployed on my Ikea bed frame, where I didn’t own any furniture other than a futon and a cheap papas an chair , it was really time to go.

So, my readers, I set a date, started packing, and made the decision to actually move to New York!

If that’s not a big step in the year of putting myself out there I don’t know what is.

I put myself out there and decided I want to live in New York, work in New York and maybe even find a date in New York!

Putting myself out there ...

And realizing my worth, value and stepping up to recognize that I am a commodity.

So this entry will sound a lot different than the last entry, and it will make me sound like sort of a hypocrite, so let me just start out by saying there is a difference between taking a step backwards for a network job, and a network job that only lasts 4 days, and a deal with no end date.

I applied for a job that sound perfect, I wrote in my opinion a pretty great cover-letter to go along with my diverse and full resume, I gave an amazing interview one afternoon sometime in the middle of July. In fact, it went so well, I was actually asked to do another one right there with someone else, and that was going well too, until I heard the dread words “You are not quite qualified” which was odd, because this company called me in for said job, so if I wasn’t qualified then why exactly am I in this office?

Then a little better words were uttered “But you are over qualified for this other job we have open, but would you be interested?” So, I thought to myself, uh sure, maybe, but there would probably have to be a pretty interesting deal worked out, but… I stood my ground and said honestly, I think I’d be ready to take on the responsibilities of the job I was brought in for (and not just because it was the same job I held elsewhere) and while I understand the other department is probably more directly related to what I want to do long term, I’d like to keep pursuing the job I applied for, but I will keep my options open. I left knowing that if nothing else I would be granted a second, well third, interview.

And I was. And when I got there, even after I got glowing recommendations from people who said I should get the job I applied for, and gave a good interview the first 2 times etc etc I was being interviewed for the lower position. Now keep in mind the job I applied for was very similar to 2 jobs I had held in the past, and it was the same title I had held twice before, so a step backwards for a long term gig was hard to swallow…but alas I pressed on and thought… Okay, I’ll roll with this because I could easily see how it would be related to my long term career goals, and if by what I was told in interview number 2, I was over qualified for the job I was now being interviewed for I’d get promoted quickly, so okay why not. It was tough to swallow, but I kept telling myself it all work out, it will all work out…

After a test of my editing skills, and yet another interview I was told that I would hear back by early August. So, I waited, and wondered, and speculated, and prepared myself for what would be offered, and what I would counter offer with, and just hoped it would all work out…

In the end, a deal could not be reached,, and I had to step and recognize that while the economy is bad, and while times are tough, and even though I am not the only person in LA with a pretty decent resume, and that while I only have 4.5 years of experience, that maybe just maybe I might actually deserve more than was being offered, that I am worth more than what was on the table, if nothing else I was at least worth the job I had already done before, and even if it meant waiting a little longer and a more days of having no purpose, I couldn’t agree to the deal that was being offered and if they couldn’t agree to what I was asking for then it wasn’t going to work for either side. Having the job not work out over something like money, was odd, but oddly liberating at the same time. I actually think both myself and the company are better off for the deal not working.

And I just want to point out, it wasn’t just about money, though fine it played a big part. It was about a lot of things, how big the company was or wasn’t, how actually related to my long term goals was or wasn’t it, and while I could see it being related, I didn’t see it being directly on the path I wanted to take, it was about what I was expected to do with the title I was being offered, it was about where I was going and what I wanted, and what they needed, in the ended what they needed wasn’t someone like me, who probably would have realized shortly into it that I wanted to be some place else.

It was a strange few days, but I found it liberating, and I found out that I am a lot stronger than I thought.

I put myself out there and while on some level I may have missed out on the opportunity for a job, I gained the opportunity to stand up for myself, and learn a little something.

Putting myself out there ...

...and taking a temp job a few steps backwards

So , I hate being unemployed, we've established this, I hate having no purpose, and on some levels I’m willing to take any type of work.

So, I did, and before you go there, no I didn’t become a prostitute or a stripper. I took a 4 day gig as a PA on a talk show that isn’t even a talk show yet. Now, when I was a “PA” for other companies, I was always doing a lot more than an actual PA would do just because of circumstance, at one job my direct boss was let go for various reasons and while I was still labeled PA, I had assumed some of her job as a producer, and at a job awhile back PA was more like AP and we were only called PA’s because we were the second from the bottom on the totem pole. With the exception of one gig that lasted 2 days I had sort of skipped the whole going for coffee part of my television career in Los Angeles. So when I walked into the supervisors office for an interview he said those words I actually really dread hearing “You’re over qualified for this job”, yes, true, but I wanted it. I wanted it because I needed something to do, and I really love working on talk shows, and I figured, if this show ever went anywhere, at least I’d be on the radar for a job, and hopefully an AP job.

So, I was offered the job, and I took the job, and I HAD A BLAST! I had so much fun, and sure it was running errands and getting someone coffee and holding cue cards, but I had a blast. It was nice to be working, it was nice to once again be part of team, it was nice to get a paycheck LOL.

And it was humbling, it made me remember that there are people out there who do what I was doing for a lot longer than I ever had, and that there are a lot of little things that are so important to the over all big picture of a television production. The chef in the cooking segment wanted aged balsamic, do you know how hard it is to find 12 year aged balsamic?? I didn’t either, but it was important I find it because he needed it for the segment. It was humbling, but in the best possible way, it reminded me why I love TV, and why I bust my ass, because while it was fun for a few days, no, I don’t want to spend my life getting coffee, and no I don’t want to be a “go-for”, but it made me appreciate the jobs I have had, and the jobs still hope to get that much more.

We in TV take these jobs because, the fact of the matter is you never know what is going to be the next big thing, for all I know this show could turn into something next year and my phone might ring and maybe I'll work for what becomes the next Oprah. I have friends who took day jobs for small companies with not a lot of shows yet, and then said company sold a biggie and they are now staffed on major prime time shows. We takes these jobs because you never know who you are going to meet, or who will one day help you get a full time well paying job, or you never know who will help you get to where you really want to go. So I knew I couldn't turn this albeit short and a few step backwards job because it was for a big network, with possibility, and who knows where it could lead.

Overall it was fun, and as of yet nothing has become of it, and maybe it never will, who is to say?

And maybe in coming years I’ll forget all about my 4 days there, and it will only come back to me when I see the show premier in a year or so, but for right now while it is still fresh in my mind, I will look back on that as a really good job in TV.

Look for my next entry where I put myself out there... and kind of sound like a hypocrit... so much more tell you gentle readers, so much more to tell you.

Putting myself out there ...

...and getting to know my new roommate.

Also known as Putting my apartment out there and finding a Craigslist roommate Part 2 (Boy was I wrong)

Maybe this entry should be called, putting myself out there and admitting I was wrong, because for those of you who know me admitting I'm wrong is something I do not do!

But I digress...where was I going with this?

Oh yes, for the first week or so everything was working swimmingly with the new roommate. She was nice, respectful, clean and her dog was super cute. I still had a few weeks of work left so I was rarely home, and I was busy and things were looking up. She had moved in the last week of May and I didn't really feel the need for her to pay for a week of rent, because at that point I was using move in now for only your security deposit and pay rent June 1, as a selling point. So on June 1, I asked for rent, thinking I would get it.

Here's the first time I was wrong.

"Oh! I don't have checks, but I'll run to the bank tomorrow and get you cash"

I was fine with this, because, we've all been new to LA, and if it was going to be cash on June 2nd, then really the money was going to clear right away so, okay.

June 2nd, she gives me 400 in cash, because her bank doesn't let her take out more than that at 1 time because she is a new customer. Well that sounded strange, but banks have strange policy's so fine.

June 3rd, we go to the bank so she can take out the other 250 she owes me. She "can't for some reason"

June 4th, still trying to get cash out

June 5th, two of bills hit the bank and because I had just paid my rent and a third of hers and forgot to move money from savings into my account and I hadn't gotten my last paycheck yet, I overdraft...GRRRR!

June 6th, I finally get the rest of the money she owes me. She had promised to pay my overdraft fees, but that didn't happen.

Okay, so I figured, alright just the first time, this shit happens, she does have a new bank and banks have weird policy's, I'm going to let it go because it was still cheaper than having to pay the whole rent only split by 2.

June 28th, to avoid the issue from the last time rent was due I text her to ask for a check early so it will clear in time to pay. We had been in and out all week so I hadn't seen her a whole lot

June 29th, I text her again to tell her I need rent that day, no response.

June 30th, I get a letter (a letter!) telling me she can't pay rent because she didn't her check from school yet and she had already spent all the money she had gotten from school in the months previous!

Um, okay don't panic yet, because I too was almost screwed that month by Unemployment check coming late, and figured we could just get an extension for July 1.

B had returned at this point and after some creative math, and some money lending, between he and I we manage to come up with both our rents and A's. Assuming we'd both get paid back in the next week or so.

Wrong... because she then told us she wouldn't get her finaide check till July 21 or later!

Okay, at this point we couldn't kick her out because rent was paid and we knew we didn't want to pay Aug 1 rent only 2 ways. (though since we had already split July 1 rent 2 ways bc of our unreliable roommate I don't know why we just didn't)

July went by with me being broke and my UE checks coming not every 2 weeks like they were supposed to be because I am bad at paperwork, and the mail in LA blows! BLOOOOOOOOOWS. So I really needed the money she still owed me for July rent etc. Loooooong story short, we finally got paid back August 1 for both July and August rent. ARGH.

So here's what we learned from putting my apartment out there and getting a 22 y/o new to LA Craigslist Roommate.

DON'T DO IT! they will mooch not only rent, but food, grocery money off of you. They will let the dog shit everywhere and blame the kitties, she will get money from her family and rather than give it to those she owes it too or chip in for house food she will spend it on clothing and then get upset when you ask her for it. She will chatter endlessly, make our with your friends and get wasted like a child and embarass the fuck out of you when are nice enough to invite her out with you and your friends.

Once again, I put myself out there, I was NICE, and it managed to backfire on me.

Le sigh, I put myself out there and I got screwed, it's a good thing I'm resilient , because between this, and the OkCupid disaster, and bunch of bad job interviews, I might have just holed up in cave (with cable! and the kitties) and never put myself out there again!

Putting my apartment out there...

...and getting a Craigslist roommate (this will be a 2 part entry, see the second part tomorrow)

For starters, the hardest part about not updating my blog in months is there is a lot of back story to getting to where I am today (and that is both a literal and figurative reference).

But okay, here we go.

I lived in the bottom of a duplex in a great old, east coast style house, washer dryer in house, and with a bedroom available with a huge closet, a private half bath, all hardwood floors, huge kitchen, parking space in a private driveway, shared with myself, my good friend B, and 2 adorable friendly cats. Cheap rent split 3 ways, cable and wireless internet already in house. See pictures below.

If that sounds like it could be a Craigslist ad, it's because it was basically a craigslist ad. The Craigslist ad for my apartment. B (a very good friend who moved in with me in April, but only really lived with me for about 10 days before he got into a motorcycle accident, thus leaving me with our very large 3 bed 1.5 bath house all to myself) and I had tried to convince our landlord to lower the rent of our apartment so we could rent it between ourselves and not have to get a third roommate, despite saying she was fine with it twice (I have witnesses) she ended up not lowering our rent to split between just the 2 of us. First off, it's not like we were asking for a 1/3 reduction, we were asking for 150 a month off, of our already over priced apartment. Alas no, so we decided in the interest of saving money, we'd find a third.

We tried all the not Craigslist ways first, asking people we know, posting it on facebook, asking people we know to ask people they know, so on and so forth. No bites, okay fine, Craigslist it was. I tried, half heartedly at first and got no bites. I tried a little harder and added more pictures and more description and I got some bites.

People actually came to the house to check it out, but what does one say when someone comes to check out the apartment?!?!!? What does one say about themselves as well? it's worse than a job interview, because at least with a job interview you are not being judge on your personal life, how you keep your house, you taste, and your ability to clean a kitchen floor that no matter how hard you try will just not stay clean for more than 10 seconds! After a couple of people came, we still got no where. No where at all. It was worse than online dating and worse than getting rejected from a job, well what is wrong with me, my house etc?!?!?

No idea, I cleaned the house, I lit candles, I even made my bed, I organized things just so, I made sure the house looked homey and I was welcoming. No idea what I was doing wrong. Sure, we didn't live in the greatest are of LA, but I got robbed in the valley and mugged at gun point in Hollywood...and never had any sort of problem in my little section of Koreatown...

It's like being rejected from a birthday party in grade school, it's like not getting a second date, it's like being turned down at bar! It's kind of insulting, why don't you want to live with me in our apartment? I started to wonder what was wrong with me, was I smelly? OMG did I become the smelly kid in class? Did I sound desperate and creepy, I feel like my friends would have told me if I was creepy. Do I look super poor? Omg! Maybe I should get a flat screen and a cleaning lady and a decorator? (nope, trying to get a roommate to save money!) Should I offer to cook dinner every night? Should I mention, I'm a workaholic and it's okay if you like the apartment and not me because I'm NEVER there? I don't know. Talk about feeling vulnerable and like a loser, at least on OKcupid I found guys who wanted to get in my pants, I couldn't even find a roommate on Craigslist who wanted to call me back after I offered them the apartment!

So after 2 months of trying, B and I decided screw it, we could find a cheaper place where we could have our own bathrooms, and a little bit more updated bright apartment. We even found a place I was going to check out Downtown.

Then I got laid off, and since B was on disability because aforementioned motorcycle accident, so despite the fact that we were upstanding nice people with good rental histories, we highly doubted the coveted Downtown LA apartment complex was going to take us without either of us having full time jobs.

So, once again back to Craigslist. I must have posted the ad above 15 times over the course of 3 days, breaking every rule of Craigslist, but we were desperate. Then the battle became how do I show this apartment, and not sound desperate. I was bad at this, and it showed, 3 people came to visit before I even had one person who was remotely interested. Then, when they showed even the slightest interest I'm pretty sure I scared them away.

Enter, 22 year old Fashion School fresh from the East Coast roommate candidate. She was desperate for a place to live, and I was desperate for someone to share the rent with us. She seemed normal, responsible if not a bit young, and willing to pay, so I gave her a pen and an application and we signed on the dotted line.

Someone was moving in and I would have a nice, normal, seemingly awesome human companion in the house until B returned and I would not yet become a crazy cat lady (though I actually really looooooooooooved having the whole house to myself for those 2 mos, no offense B!) and B and I had someone to take over 1/3 of rent.

Done and Done...

Or so we thought...

Putting myself out there an admitting...

...I'm an unhappy unemployment collecting not busy person.

I am unhappy without my job, I don’t like collecting Unemployment because it makes me feel like a waste of space and a drain on society, it makes me feel like a loser and like the very types of people I despise. Not to say there is anything wrong with collecting for a short time, and not to say that all people who collect are losers, because, well we're not. But unfortunately there are people out there who are bums who collect government money and have no qualms about it. and I judge those people kind of harshly, and here I am, collecting unemployment. I am afraid (and pretty sure) people are judging me for it, harshly... I hate being judge, but I am not afraid of being judgmental. I mean I guess I paid into it, but still. I could get a part time job, but I would actually make less money that way, and would be in even more trouble and probably even more unhappy.

I have qualms, but I can't afford life without it, so I collect it. I was hoping it would be a short time, I was hoping I wouldn't need to do it at all. But I didn't find a job in 3 days like I did last time, and I didin't find a job in 3 weeks like I did when I first moved to LA, in fact I didn't find a job in 3 mos... le sigh.

This whole scenario has made me me really really bummed out, and really really useless, and really insecure. And I am unhappy.

I am unhappy, it is a hard thing to admit, because when I was working even on my saddest most not happy days, even when things were falling apart sometimes literally around me I always tried to put on a happy face, and always act like things were fine. So saying I’m unhappy, and putting it out in the world of the internet is a big step in the whole putting myself out there campaign.

This explains why it has been awhile, I am unmotivated and broke, I can't afford to do expensive things, or anything really, and I don't feel like I've done anything worth writing about. I have been unmotivated and lazy, I even stopped going to the gym, I stopped waking up early and having a plan of action for the day, I sleep in and I watch TV, and I am unhappy with that. I am unhappy because I am doing nothing and I am doing nothing because I am happy. The cycle needed to end.

Being unhappy has not been the only reason I haven't blogged, but the rest of the reasons are for other entries, I started with this one because I think it is a good catalyst for how I got to the place I am now, and it is a good jumping of point for the next few entries.

All I can say is, much has changed my fellow reader, much has changed, and I plan on putting it all out there, because I have recently done the biggest putting myself out there thing of all….

Putting myself out there and

Ignoring my blog?

NO! I will not ignore my blog any longer. I really do want to put myself out there and I really do want to continue this blog. So come back soon (like tonight or tomorrow) and I my friends will tell you all about my putting myself out there adventures!

More to come my friends, more to come.