Because no one ever told me what happens next. Which makes me sound like a petulant child, but it’s true. You graduate high school and go to college, you graduate college and you are supposed to (in theory of course) get a job in the field you have a degree in…or something a long those lines. And then 4 years later you what? No, seriously what?
I’m four years out of college and I know less about who I am, and what I want than I did when I graduated. I came to Los Angeles at 21, and while I was afraid that I’d never find a job or an apartment (I’ve done these things) and I would be broke for the rest of my life, and I would fail and I would have to go home, I was fearless. I was fearless because I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. And somewhere a long the line I started gaining things, a job, and a paycheck, an apartment, a second cat, new friends, etc… I have things I can lose now. And I think I let that get in the way of enjoying things while I have them.
For 4 years I defined myself by the jobs I have had only. And really what is the point of being good at your job or loving your job if you have no one to share it with? What is the point of busting ass, and moving up the proverbial ladder if you don’t stop every now and then to enjoy the view? I have had jobs, I loved, like, hated, wished could have lasted forever, were temporary and really everything in between. And then one day I got a job that in television is hard to come by. A long term, steady, with benefits gig. And while that might sound like things that are normal in the “real world” in TV those things are hard to come by, and even harder to come by all together. It sounded like the perfect job, and readily accepted it, and I was there for a year and a half.
For a year and a half I worked at job that defined my life. It was a good job, and it was helping me get to wherever the hell it is I’m going, but I let it run my life. In that year and a half, my normal workaholic self kicked into over drive. I became, frustrated, withdrawn, cranky, tired, and downright bitchy. Don’t get me wrong I love to work and as mentioned above I’m a self proclaimed workaholic! But the long stretches without a day off, the long hours and the fact that if I wasn’t at work I was either sleeping or at the gym, started to wear on me. I had no energy and no desire to do anything else, and again, what is the point of working so hard if you when you have the time you don’t want to do anything at all? What is the point of working so hard if you don’t have time or energy to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Things changed 6 months ago. I got a new job. I got pretty close to my dream job, and I somewhat naively thought that all my problems would go away. I bet you can tell by now, that in fact I was very wrong.
I love my job! I’m aware of how fortunate I am to not only have a job, but to have a job in my field, and to have a job in my field that I love, that I got during the worst recession my generation has lived through. But despite all of that, I am remind of a line from Wicked “getting your dreams, it’s strange but it seems a little well complicated…” The things I thought would go away, didn’t, I’m still cranky, and jaded and a little bit bitter. I still spend a lot of time doing nothing because somewhere along the lines, I forgot how to be social and how do things.
It was on that treadmill just a few days ago when I was turning my friend down again, I really did realize that if I didn’t knock it off, and if I kept just going home to my cats, I really was going to end up completely alone, and I was going to let things pass me by. I realized that in 5 years out of college I want to be much happier than I am 4 years out of college.
So what do I plan to do for the next year? I’m going to put myself out there! I’m hoping that during my fifth year out of college I become a lot more fun, a lot less fearful, less jaded, less bitter, I hope to be stronger, bolder and ready to take on the world. I’m hope to be more secure in who I am, and be well on my way to becoming who I want to be. I want to have more self confidence, and worry less about what other people think. I want to be healthier, fitter, and I want to do new things, and see new places and I want to do the things I’ve always loved to do, but haven’t done in a while.
I think this means I’m going to have to do things that scare me (I will not however get over my fear of sticky things) like driving in the left lane even though I’m afraid of the guardrail, it means I’m going to do things like sky dive, and try new foods, and ye gods put myself out there enough to actually meet people and ye gods date. (I’m a hopeless romantic who despite that fact for a long time just wanted to remain single!) I’m going to reconnect with friends I’m pretty sure I’ve been neglecting, I’m going to let go of a lot of things I’ve probably been holding on too, and it means I may have to break a few of my very own cardinal rules.
So everyday, I’m going to blog about what I did that day in my quest to not be a crazy cat lady, to become a more well-rounded person, or whatever.
I still don’t what’s going to happen next, but at least I’ve started trying to figure it out.
