It's kind of a heartbreaking thing, to realize that I'm just like everyone else in whatever the so called "experts" have decided to call the group of people born sometime near when I was born. Millennial, Generation X... or whatever made up generation I am supposed to be a part of this year. Fair warning, this might be a little bore rambling, and little more honest than I intended it to be.
Sometime ago, the word Millennial came out and that definition seems to change every few months, and the definition changes depending on which industry you are asking. For some, this "generation", means anyone born between 1982-and sometime in the early 2000's. For a long time I wanted to know what me, as an almost 29 year old, and someone born anytime after 2001 had in common. I hate being compared to these kids. Seriously what do we have in common? I have a job, and bills, and I was supposedly promised the American Dream sometime in the late 90's that apparently I may actually never get, and I'm not supposed to be upset by this, I live on my own, my mom doesn't cut the crusts off my sandwiches and send me to school every morning, I know where I was on 9/11, I didn't get a cell phone until I was 18 and could pay for it myself, facetime/skype and whatever other form of communication we're using wasn't even a thing when I graduated High School... so please Marketing/Ad people tell me what it is I have in common with someone born in 2002?!?!
The answer, it turns out is very very simple. That kid born in 2002 and I both want expensive things we (or maybe our parents) cannot afford. We want iPhones, and expensive handbags and UGG Boots, we want to play with our friends, and we want to be better and shinier than the guy next to us, we want to be simultaneously better and different (but not weird different) and just like everyone else. We want the world to be fair and just.
I, personally, always hoped I was some how different and better than all the kids I graduated HS and College with. I wasn't going to have to wait the 10 years I was told I was going to be "over worked and under paid" to finally stop paying my dues, that some how I was going to be different, better and a head of the game. Guess what... shocker, I'm not better or different than anyone else. I might actually be a little bit awful... and I'm starting to think that as long I've realized that and will try to be less awful that might be okay for the moment. And as I said at the top it's a little bit heartbreaking to come to the conclusion. I really do hope that I will eventually grow out of my 20's, because right now I feel behind the pack, I'm broke because I want and sometimes buy things I cannot afford, trying to make myself happy with things, I'm broke because I'm not special and I am still "over worked" and "underpaid", I'm broke because I want to play with my friends and they all live in other states and I always go to them. I'm both a total basket case, but not screwed enough to have it be a reason to give up, or hide in a hole, even though I'm just basket case enough to really really want to somedays. (side note I also totally understand Catch-22 more so than I did when I read it at 16)
I once had an argument with someone who had just turned 30, someone who based off the fact that she had just turned 30 had decided she was better than I was at 24, almost 25. 4 long years ago....I had a really good job at the time, I had a really good job I didn't like, I had a really good job with a boss I didn't like, I had a really good job that I didn't fully understand how to appreciate. I didn't like my boss, I didn't like the situation I was in, and instead of rising above it, I blamed my boss, everyone around me. I remember harping on how unfair the situation was and how much I hated everything, and how the situation I was in was anyones fault but my own. This recently turned 30 year old told me that if I didn't like the job and I didn't like the situation that I needed to leave, because there were a 1000 other people out there who wanted the job, and would do it with out the bellyaching and noise I was making. I remember telling this recently turned 30 year old, that "no wants this job, they think they do, but they don't. " (I should note to some extent I still stand by this statement for that situation at least) but she looked at me and said "that's such a 20's answer." In all of my 24 year old glory, I thought to myself "you've been 30 for a handful of days, what the hell makes you any better than me, and weren't you once 24?" of course she was, and so was everyone else, and while it bugs me that everyone forgets that they were once 24, or 21, or 15, or 28, hindsight is, and always will be 20/20. We all realize we could have been better. As it turns out the though (and she is going to love this) She was right... and I was wrong.
I was told by multiple people much older than 30, and that recently turned 30 year old that there comes a moment, when you come to some sort of revelation about the world after you turn 30. I have been waiting to turn 30 since that day, because on a fundamental level I just want a moment of clarity.
I came to this revelation a little earlier than 30 (so maybe there is still hope I am a little bit ahead!) But here it is... The world isn't fair, and I'm not anyone special, and no matter how hard I think I work, someone is working harder, no matter how talented or special I think I am, someone is always going to be better. It is the way of the world, and I'm going to try and be more accepting of that, and maybe now that I've realized that I might even just try a little harder... I might fail, and I'll probably still ask for a raise when I think I deserve one... but hey Rome wasn't built and a day, and acceptance doesn't happen based off one revelation, that comes on the third night of not sleeping... But If I'm in a situation I don't like, or I don't think is fair, the only thing I can do about it is change how I react, all I can really do is change how I handle the situation, all I can really do is learn to accept and move on. Nothing is set in stone and I can in fact change my reality, if not in the literal sense, the figurative sense. I have to stop moaning and whining that the world isn't fair. It's not fair, it's never going to be fair and I think I've finally started to accept that. I don't expect my world to change over night (though wouldn't that be great?!) but a big part of changing my world is accepting it.
I said in the last paragraph I'm on day 3 of not sleeping, and I'm probably on month 10 of not sleeping well... actually I may not have slept well since fall 2000, hmm. Yesterday I would have blamed that on AP US History, today I'll blame that on me thinking it was a good idea to take AP US History. Anyway, last night, I thought this latest bout of insomnia was because I had been accidentally drinking caffeine past 3pm, turns out my powdered iced tea wasn't fake enough to not have caffeine, or I somehow became addicted to Newsroom reruns on HBOGO, or the generic version of Advil PM I bought didn't actually have the same drug in it as the bottle that cost 3 dollars more.(second side note, don't take zquil it will make you sleep eat)
Sometime yesterday, in the middle of my workday, I realized it's because I am making myself miserable. I have been closing myself off to things that could be very good for me. I, for a very long time, have been blaming whatever I was feeling, experiencing or not experience on everyone and everything else. I've been to busy worrying about what I don't have, what I can't have and what I haven't achieved yet, that I haven't stopped to pay attention to the things I do have, the things I can have, and things I've already achieve and the things I will continue to achieve. I have been to busy worrying about what everyone else has, or thinks or has achieved. I will probably continue to do all of those things on some level, but at least for the moment I've reached some form of acceptance, and now maybe I can start to move on, maybe I can start to celebrate the little victories.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
"It's time to begin... isn't it?"
It's been almost a year since I've updated. Once again so much has changed. I've moved... again....again... I think I'm on my third again since I've had this blog. Which for those of you keeping track has been since 2010. So that's the move from CA to CT, CT back to CA, and now CA to CO. All the "C" states... it's apparently a thing. Maybe in my next life I'll hit up all the "M" states. Anyway, I've actually gotten pretty good at putting myself out there.
I've tried a hell of a lot of new things, started things, finished other things, started things I really did want to follow through on and admittedly given things up half way through, or before they had a chance to really blossom. I've given up things to get back to other things, not the least of which was my job at a big name media company where I lived in the middle of nowhere, didn't haver lot of friends nearby and was more of a number at work somedays than I was a person. I went back to a much smaller, lesser known company where I am a person, a person people know, I hope like, and where am I less of a number, albeit part of a growing number of real people, to a city not in the middle of nowhere, to a group a huge group of friends.
I tried to start an online cooking show and corresponding food blog, only to give up because for one reason or another. BUT since trying that out, I've actually started cooking more, and finally have started baking, and I'm actually getting better and better every time. I finally shelled out the cash for the Kitchen-aide mixer I've always wanted. So maybe it was a win?
I had to leave my beloved (yeah sue me) cats behind in NY when I went back to CA from CT, and it took a long time to accept that for reasons beyond my control that's where they live now, that's their home... It was difficult and it sucked and yeah, I cried. I eventually got another cat, and while it's not exactly the same, I love her, I'm happy I adopted her, I'm happy she's my pet.
I totaled a car, and bought a new one. I did it all by myself and I'm it's weird but I'm wicked proud of myself for doing that. I fulfilled the dream my 16 year old self had.... I bought a Jetta, yeah, a Jetta. VW did a campaign a few years ago where the slogan was "The Jetta... All Grown Up"... I feel like a grown up in this car.
I switched to a different part of the industry I work in. I work in Promotions/Marketing now. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, until now, at midnight, on a plane, 3 hours away from landing on the East Coast and just hours away from a vacation I've been counting down too for the last 6 months, and a reunion that's been 4 years in the making. (But that's a different post for a different time.)
I used to think I wanted to produce the Today Show, and why not leave that on my list as a thing to possibly one day do in the future, why not keep one old goal on that list.... the list is now much shorter, though not simpler, if anything it's on line that could mean any number of things... I want to run things. I want to head up some sort of creative company, and for the first time I really think I want it to be my own, I want to be my own boss, I'm still years away from that point, but I'm putting it out there to the world now. Watch out, I'm going to run things.
I'm inspired again, I have to be honest, it's been awhile... maybe years, since I've felt this good about this industry, this crazy, difficult, fun, and altogether insane life I've chosen to carve out for myself. I feel like I finally get it, I finally woke back up and thought to myself "everything I've done up to this point has to be leading to somewhere... why not put my money where my mouth is and make shit happen." It's time to start taking big steps, not just a bunch of little ones, time to stop pretending, time to start doing, start pushing, and start dreaming bigger. Right now, this is the most inspired I've felt in 3 years. 3 years is a long time, almost half my career, and it's not that I wasn't inspired at one point or another during the last 3 years, it's just probably been 3 years since I've been this inspired. And I'm not even sure what it is I was actually inspired to do, other than the very vague "run things" and I don't know what any of this new found inspiration means for me right now, next year or in the coming years, I just know that it's here.
I had been worried recently that maybe I didn't want to work in TV/Media/Entertainment anymore. I was worried because I wondered if I was only doing it because I literally don't know how to do anything else. I was worried because I wondered if maybe I'm actually really bad at it and no one has had the heart to tell me... and then I realized, that if I didn't want do it anymore why in the hell was I worried if I was bad at it? If I truly didn't care, then why did it bother me so much that I might be bad at it. Then I realized I'm worried that I might be bad at it because I don't want to do anything else, and in addition to like what I do, I want to be good at it. No, ya know what, I want to be great at it, I want to be bad ass at it. I want someone years from now to look up and say in 10 years I want to be her... I want the "her" to be me. I want to be one the speakers at the conference I was just at, maybe even one of the Keynotes, I want to change the shape, face, and landscape of this industry... I want someone to actually want to be me. (my roommate tells me she wants to be like me when she grows up... I keep telling her she doesn't, and I'm not a grown up)
I've always talked about getting a Masters degree, it wasn't until I actually started looking at grad schools that I realized I in fact, want an MBA... yeah, me who is pretty sure I have no head for business, wants an MBA. I have been told time and time again I don't need one I work in television, but ya know what? I've seen shows and companies live and die based off of what the people in charge did and didn't understand. I worked on a show that got canceled because the money guys were in real estate and actually had no concept of how TV worked, or how much it literally costs to put on a show... in the end were costing the company "too much money" when in reality our budget was much much smaller than any big network show and we had learned very quickly to cut costs on our own. I've worked at companies where the guys in charge understood the TV side of things, and not so much the money side of things and while they understood TV cost money to produce, and good TV costs more money to produce, they might not have understood how to get that money, or that we have to money to spend. The latter happened more often in my life than the former. I realized from these experiences and whole host of other ones that maybe I should take the time to understand both sides of the coin, because maybe then I can make great TV/Media/Movies/Etc and keep myself afloat in the process, find new ways to make money and new ways to save it... I can go after big new projects and still afford to pay my team.
Someone once told me that I was going to be a mover, and a shaker in this industry, and at the time I didn't want to be, but guess what, it's time to start moving, and start shaking. Someone else once told me in 10 years he'd be working for me (it's been 5 since then...) so why not prove him right and in 5 more years, be in a situation where I can offer him a job. Someone before that told me I was going to be "overworked and underpaid for (at least) 10 years" he totally wasn't kidding BTW... that was 7 years ago... and my mom once told me I was going to set the world on fire. It's hard to tell if she meant that in a sweet motherly uplifting way, or if she literally meant I was accidentally set the world on fire... it could be either one.
To be honest, I am not even sure what any of this I'm feeling means (though sidebar Hungiemuffin, let's do this!) but I'm excited again... I've said it before and I'll say it again because I think it's worth repeating. I told my parents at 11 I wanted to go to the Olympics one day, I wasn't sure how, when, or even what that actually meant at the time. But, then, 10 years later.... I went to the Olympics. So I'm putting out this new equally not yet thought out goal... I want to run things... let's see what this 10 years brings me shall we?
Television, media, the internet, content, storytelling, marketing, advertising, movies etc... it's all changing and I want to be a part of all it. I want to be a part of history, and before you go on to say it's just television what's that got to do with history? Right now, I think... everything. Or at least how we record, document and pass it along, why not be a part of it? Now is the time where my generation can be pioneers of television, pioneers of media, pioneers of the industry we have come to love (and hate somedays... I feel like TV and I are Meredith and Derek, "we love each other even we hate each other") I have had the opportunity to meet the people from the "golden age" of television and I want to be part of the "golden age of media".
I have nothing else to say at this point. I can't give you a sneak peak at coming attractions but I don't know when, or how long it's going to take for them to come, but they're coming... oh yeah, they're coming.
I've tried a hell of a lot of new things, started things, finished other things, started things I really did want to follow through on and admittedly given things up half way through, or before they had a chance to really blossom. I've given up things to get back to other things, not the least of which was my job at a big name media company where I lived in the middle of nowhere, didn't haver lot of friends nearby and was more of a number at work somedays than I was a person. I went back to a much smaller, lesser known company where I am a person, a person people know, I hope like, and where am I less of a number, albeit part of a growing number of real people, to a city not in the middle of nowhere, to a group a huge group of friends.
I tried to start an online cooking show and corresponding food blog, only to give up because for one reason or another. BUT since trying that out, I've actually started cooking more, and finally have started baking, and I'm actually getting better and better every time. I finally shelled out the cash for the Kitchen-aide mixer I've always wanted. So maybe it was a win?
I had to leave my beloved (yeah sue me) cats behind in NY when I went back to CA from CT, and it took a long time to accept that for reasons beyond my control that's where they live now, that's their home... It was difficult and it sucked and yeah, I cried. I eventually got another cat, and while it's not exactly the same, I love her, I'm happy I adopted her, I'm happy she's my pet.
I totaled a car, and bought a new one. I did it all by myself and I'm it's weird but I'm wicked proud of myself for doing that. I fulfilled the dream my 16 year old self had.... I bought a Jetta, yeah, a Jetta. VW did a campaign a few years ago where the slogan was "The Jetta... All Grown Up"... I feel like a grown up in this car.
I switched to a different part of the industry I work in. I work in Promotions/Marketing now. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, until now, at midnight, on a plane, 3 hours away from landing on the East Coast and just hours away from a vacation I've been counting down too for the last 6 months, and a reunion that's been 4 years in the making. (But that's a different post for a different time.)
I used to think I wanted to produce the Today Show, and why not leave that on my list as a thing to possibly one day do in the future, why not keep one old goal on that list.... the list is now much shorter, though not simpler, if anything it's on line that could mean any number of things... I want to run things. I want to head up some sort of creative company, and for the first time I really think I want it to be my own, I want to be my own boss, I'm still years away from that point, but I'm putting it out there to the world now. Watch out, I'm going to run things.
I'm inspired again, I have to be honest, it's been awhile... maybe years, since I've felt this good about this industry, this crazy, difficult, fun, and altogether insane life I've chosen to carve out for myself. I feel like I finally get it, I finally woke back up and thought to myself "everything I've done up to this point has to be leading to somewhere... why not put my money where my mouth is and make shit happen." It's time to start taking big steps, not just a bunch of little ones, time to stop pretending, time to start doing, start pushing, and start dreaming bigger. Right now, this is the most inspired I've felt in 3 years. 3 years is a long time, almost half my career, and it's not that I wasn't inspired at one point or another during the last 3 years, it's just probably been 3 years since I've been this inspired. And I'm not even sure what it is I was actually inspired to do, other than the very vague "run things" and I don't know what any of this new found inspiration means for me right now, next year or in the coming years, I just know that it's here.
I had been worried recently that maybe I didn't want to work in TV/Media/Entertainment anymore. I was worried because I wondered if I was only doing it because I literally don't know how to do anything else. I was worried because I wondered if maybe I'm actually really bad at it and no one has had the heart to tell me... and then I realized, that if I didn't want do it anymore why in the hell was I worried if I was bad at it? If I truly didn't care, then why did it bother me so much that I might be bad at it. Then I realized I'm worried that I might be bad at it because I don't want to do anything else, and in addition to like what I do, I want to be good at it. No, ya know what, I want to be great at it, I want to be bad ass at it. I want someone years from now to look up and say in 10 years I want to be her... I want the "her" to be me. I want to be one the speakers at the conference I was just at, maybe even one of the Keynotes, I want to change the shape, face, and landscape of this industry... I want someone to actually want to be me. (my roommate tells me she wants to be like me when she grows up... I keep telling her she doesn't, and I'm not a grown up)
I've always talked about getting a Masters degree, it wasn't until I actually started looking at grad schools that I realized I in fact, want an MBA... yeah, me who is pretty sure I have no head for business, wants an MBA. I have been told time and time again I don't need one I work in television, but ya know what? I've seen shows and companies live and die based off of what the people in charge did and didn't understand. I worked on a show that got canceled because the money guys were in real estate and actually had no concept of how TV worked, or how much it literally costs to put on a show... in the end were costing the company "too much money" when in reality our budget was much much smaller than any big network show and we had learned very quickly to cut costs on our own. I've worked at companies where the guys in charge understood the TV side of things, and not so much the money side of things and while they understood TV cost money to produce, and good TV costs more money to produce, they might not have understood how to get that money, or that we have to money to spend. The latter happened more often in my life than the former. I realized from these experiences and whole host of other ones that maybe I should take the time to understand both sides of the coin, because maybe then I can make great TV/Media/Movies/Etc and keep myself afloat in the process, find new ways to make money and new ways to save it... I can go after big new projects and still afford to pay my team.
Someone once told me that I was going to be a mover, and a shaker in this industry, and at the time I didn't want to be, but guess what, it's time to start moving, and start shaking. Someone else once told me in 10 years he'd be working for me (it's been 5 since then...) so why not prove him right and in 5 more years, be in a situation where I can offer him a job. Someone before that told me I was going to be "overworked and underpaid for (at least) 10 years" he totally wasn't kidding BTW... that was 7 years ago... and my mom once told me I was going to set the world on fire. It's hard to tell if she meant that in a sweet motherly uplifting way, or if she literally meant I was accidentally set the world on fire... it could be either one.
To be honest, I am not even sure what any of this I'm feeling means (though sidebar Hungiemuffin, let's do this!) but I'm excited again... I've said it before and I'll say it again because I think it's worth repeating. I told my parents at 11 I wanted to go to the Olympics one day, I wasn't sure how, when, or even what that actually meant at the time. But, then, 10 years later.... I went to the Olympics. So I'm putting out this new equally not yet thought out goal... I want to run things... let's see what this 10 years brings me shall we?
Television, media, the internet, content, storytelling, marketing, advertising, movies etc... it's all changing and I want to be a part of all it. I want to be a part of history, and before you go on to say it's just television what's that got to do with history? Right now, I think... everything. Or at least how we record, document and pass it along, why not be a part of it? Now is the time where my generation can be pioneers of television, pioneers of media, pioneers of the industry we have come to love (and hate somedays... I feel like TV and I are Meredith and Derek, "we love each other even we hate each other") I have had the opportunity to meet the people from the "golden age" of television and I want to be part of the "golden age of media".
I have nothing else to say at this point. I can't give you a sneak peak at coming attractions but I don't know when, or how long it's going to take for them to come, but they're coming... oh yeah, they're coming.
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