Putting my 26 year old self out there...

...to my 10th grade self! (this will be totally random but it might just be the swift ass kick I need to get back into this blog!)

After facebooking with a friend I've known since my freshmen year in HS about things that might horrify our 10th grade selves (in this case we were talking about we used to make fun of Giles from Buffy for being old, but our mid/late twenties selves can agree, he's kind of (okay really) good looking) and it made me wonder what else would my 10th grade self be surprised by? What, if I could go back in time would I want my 10th grade self to know now?


I'll start with something that goes against that old cliche, that High School is the best time of your life. It's not.

Don't get me wrong I had a wonderful HS experience, I had a really great group of friends, I was involved, I was busy, I took AP classes, my HS didn't really have a huge click problem and because I tend to give my all to just about anything I'm doing (and I'm a bit of brown-noser) I was pretty well liked by most of teachers. My HS experience was great! But, my college experience was better, and the 4 years I lived in LA while I tried to figure out what the hell someone actually does with "real life" was even better than that.

So I would tell my 10th grade self, that HS is only the best years of your life it you let it be. Enjoy it while it lasts because those 4 years are very important in the formation of whoever the hell it is you are going to be, but if you work hard enough, and just keep on trucking there will only be better times a head. And while HS is great, when it's over and you look back, no matter how great it was, you probably won't want to do it again.

I would tell my 10th grade self that the things I thought were hard then aren't. The problems I was facing then are nothing compared to what's coming out there in the big scary real world, but like all things this to shall pass. I would also tell my 10th grade self that first impressions aren't always correct.

My 10th grade self might be shocked to learn that I'm not teaching great musical discussions, or even working in music at all. Being somewhat tone-deaf, and really really awful at music theory ended that dream pretty early on in my HS career, but honestly I'm in the career I'm supposed to be in. My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that all those videos I made in HS for one project or another, because I didn't want to write another paper, turned in to my passion, an then into my career.

My 10th grade self might be disappointed by the fact that I didn't go to NYU, and then shocked by the fact that I didn't even apply. My 10th grade self would be a little bit angry that I went to the college near by my hometown that I swore I'd never go too, and that I'm so happy I did, because it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

My 10th grade self might be horrified to learn that I'm not married with kids on the way, and I don't live in NYC, and even more horrified to learn that I actually live in a town not much bigger than where I grew up, in suburbia for Christ's sake! My 10th grade self might wonder what the hell I was thinking leaving Los Angeles! (my 26 year old self wonders that sometimes too! But if you knew where I worked you'd prolly tell me I live where I'm supposed to live).

My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that I occasionally interact with people that I didn't really talk to in 10th grade via the Internet, on this crazy thing called Facebook (and blogger) that wasn't even thought of it all those years ago. My 10th grade self might be even more surprised to learn that the people who mattered in 10th grade (and even those who mattered long before) still matter now, are people that I still talk too, and even see occasionally. My 10th grade self would be shocked (jaw on the ground shocked) that person who was my biggest "rival" in HS is now one of my best friends all because we met over coffee one cold night while I was home over break during college.

My 10th grade self would be amazed at the technology I cannot live without these days, the amount of money I pay for a trainer, and the fact that I send my laundry out. My 10th grade self might be upset with the fact that I've become a little bit shallow. While we certainly weren't destitute growing up my family wasn't exactly running around with the latest and greatest technology and we certainly were not what you would consider early adopters, and we certainly didn't pay someone else to do things for us. Though to be fair to my 26 year old self, my 10th grade self wouldn't be surprised by the fact that despite all the new and fancy things I've come to acquire that I still have my stuffed bunny from way back in 3rd grade, and I still have a really sentimental streak that causes me to collect pins and shot glasses and stuffed penguins.

My 10th grade self might be appalled to learn that I'm not totally 100% democrat!! (big gasp shocker I know!!) but that's all I will say on that subject.

My 10th grade self might be relieved to know that I'm super tight with my younger sister who at the time I didn't necessarily always get along with. My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that the 7 year gap between myself and my baby sister reared it's ugly head in my 20's and while I still love and adore her more than most people on the planet, for the first time ever that 7 year gap might as well be different planets, because I just don't get it. My 10th grade self wouldn't be surprised that I still get along with my parents, and probably less surprised that even though I'm now supposedly a grown up I still don't necessarily understand all of their decisions, but I certainly have a new found respect for them, because this being a grown up thing is hard.

My 10th grade self might laugh at the fact that my 26 year old self owns all 7 seasons of Buffy on DVD (and the season 8 comics) on of my favorite movies is still Cruel Intentions, and I no longer giggle how dirty I thought it was in 10th grade. My 10th grade self will be sad to learn that Neil Patrick Harris is gay, as he was my second TV crush. That being said my 10th grade self might be sad to learn that my first TV crush Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's. My 10th grade self will laugh at the fact that I read all the Harry Potters, and I'm a really big Harry Potter dork. My 10th grade self would also laugh at the fact that despite my deep HS crush on David Boreanaz it took my a full 3 seasons before I watched Bones and would totally laugh at the fact that I still had to look up how to spell Boreanaz correctly.

My 10th grade self might be impressed by the fact that I've been to the Olympics! (A dream I had since I was 11) And not only have I been there, I worked there, and then I worked on them again 4 years later. Hell it still spins my 26 year old self's head.

My 10th grade self would be surprised to learn that I started a blog about a year and a half ago and that I don't update nearly as often as I should. My 10th grade self would also be surprised to learn that I have yet to finish writing a novel and my 10th grade self might be sad to learn I don't write nearly as much as I always thought I would.

I wonder if my 10th grade self would like the person my 26 year old self is? I think I am alot more open minded now then I was then, but I think my 10th grade self would be disappointed by some of my newer traits and thus I think there is some room for improvement as far as the things I can still change, but I think my friends that's just life. I think my 10th grade self was more optimistic and idealistic than my 26 year old self, but I'm pretty sure that's why I started this blog, to get some of that back. It's strange but looking at this, right now I think for the first time in a long time I know what I want in life...

I want to be the person my 10th grade self would be proud to be!

Putting an olive branch out there

I have to wonder though...is it still considered an "Olive Branch" if the person you're extending it too didn't even realize there was a rift? Is it still an "Olive Branch" if the person you're extending it too is the person who should actually be extending it??



I'll admit some reaching out has been done, and I'll admit that I am not 100% blameless, but to put it bluntly it almost feels like too little too late. But I'm reminded of a quote from my favorite show of all time, Buffy, "to forgive is an act of compassion, it's not done because people deserve it, but because they need it."



I think in general I forgive people for hurting me all to easily. But, just so we're clear, if someone hurts someone I love there is very little chance of forgiveness and I will in fact unleash my well hidden (but still awful) bitch mode... you think I'm kidding but I'm really really not. Clearly I've digressed again, this is about forgiveness not my inner bitch coming out to play.



I have this not so hidden desire to make sure everything is okay, with everybody, all the time. It's probably part of my control issues, but I don't like it when people are mad at me, and I don't like being mad at people, so I forgive, often times forget, and move on. And I usually end up getting hurt and pissed off again. I've done my fair share of not nice, mean, stupid and upsetting things and people always seem to forgive my mistakes so why shouldn't I forgive other people's?



It's come to my own attention that I have let people walk all over me for a long time. I have made up excuses for people, and let things slide and watched people continue to do dumb things and maybe even things that I wouldn't forgive other people for. All because they've forgiven me time and time again. But it's come to my attention that I'm not helping anyone with this continuous cycle. I tried to be angry, and upset and even got down on paper all the things I wish I had the strength to actually say, and then just like always it dissipated and I wasn't so angry any more. I came to the conclusion that I just needed to leave well enough alone and let the chips fall where they may, but for many many reasons I couldn't do that either. But even still, I for the first time in a long while was still angry, upset and frustrated, I still am on a lot of levels, but ...


I put myself out there and extended an Olive Branch, and things magically got better, all is right with the world and it's like nothing has ever changed and it's all gravy!



That's a big fat lie, but the Olive Branch has been extended because I was afraid if I didn't do it I'd lose out on some people completely, and though I've threatened to be done with people before, I'm not really ready for that. Or maybe I just not ready to be done with it on terms that aren't my own. Who knows... but despite being, some what angry, upset and frustrated it's like the quote above said, forgiveness is an act of compassion, and if nothing else I'm a pretty compassionate person.