Why (not) Me?

In an age where we glorify people who do nothing but "occupy" a particular area all day, and not those who "occupy" say jobs all day, when rich celebutards can whine about an unhappy marriage after only giving it a go for 72 days, .... we hear a whole lot of "Why me?"

After some consideration I have my own question. Why NOT me?

I come from a small town in the middle of no where, unless you went to one of the colleges near by, bought a piece of Steuben Glass, happen to be an expert on Mark Twain, or ever happened to Google where Correll Wear comes from, you've probably never heard of it. You've probably never given much thought, and you may never even give the area I grew up in another thought after reading this.

All and all pretty unremarkable, pretty normal, pretty vanilla, and so much like many other small towns all over American. One could guess a town that has been considered a "depressed area" for sometime, maybe there isn't a lot going on. So maybe it's not a town where you expect really amazing people to out of. But you'd be wrong... below is a list of some pretty well known people who I share an area code with

Eileen Collins- First Female Space Shuttle Comander

Ernie Davis - First African American to win the Heisman, NFL Player

Carl Sagan-Astronomer, Cornell Professor, NASA Consultant (and author of one of my favorite books of all time Contact)

Brian Williams- NBC News Anchor, Nightly News w/Brian Williams, Rock Center (he's no Matt Lauer but he's still awesome!)

Tommy Hilfiger- Noted Fashion Designer

Joey Sindelar- PGA Golfer

Mark Twain-if you don't know who Mark Twain that's just sad (and maybe not necessarily from my area code but he spent a lot of time there so it counts!)

Kirt Manwaring- MLB Player

Dustin Brown - NHL Player, Los Angeles Kings

Rod Serling- Ithaca College (my alma matter) Professor, Emmy Award Winning Television Producer/Writer -The Twilight Zone (fine he was born in Syracuse but Ithaca claims him as their own)

Molly Huddle- US Track and Field

(on a personal note) The the "607" also boasts a member of the 2011 NCA National Championship DII Cheerleading Team, and a 5 Time NCAA All American Gymnast, and (two really excellent ladies that I'm proud to know)

And whole host of other people who's names we probably don't know yet (maybe even one of those names will be mine) the point is any one can become something better than what they were before.

All these people came from humble beginnings, working from towns in the middle of nowhere, and maybe they aren't in the 1%, maybe they aren't the people that society seems to be holding on a pedestal these days, and maybe somedays when things were hard, they (like so many seem to do) asked why me? But if they can overcome obstacles, injuries, everyone telling them they can't because of race, or gender or anything else that might have stopped them, why can't I? Why can't you?

Everything for me is about to change again, and I'm sure somedays I'll ask myself what the hell, why aren't things working out for me? But I think I'll use this list to remind me that the real question isn't "why me?" the real question is "Why NOT me?" if all these other people from my hometown can do it, can be better, can make it, "Why NOT me?"

Why not me indeed?

Putting My real age out there...

Though I realize I mentioned in my last post that I was 26, so I've I already done that, but I will do it again now that I have officially entered my "late 20's" the "almost 30" years of my 20's. I am now(ye gods) 27! To be honest, I look forward to 30, so it's not the OMG I'm almost 30 and 30 is old (it's not) thing that I'm afraid of. I'm more afraid of 27, 28, and 29. It's the tail end of my 20's, a decade where you can get away with things you cannot get away with in your 30's.


27 to me is the age where you're close enough to 30 where you actually have to start thinking about it, and far enough away from 30 where you still have enough time to really enjoy your 20's and maybe hit a few more goals . So my friends, I've made a list, of 30 things I want to do before I'm 30. Some things are to help set up my 30's, some are to round out my 20's, some are superficial, some are practical it (like my 20's) is a bit of mess, a little bit heartfelt, a little bit insane, and fun.



Here it is below, with some explanation and no particular order.


1) Move back to Los Angeles (though to be fair this really shouldn't count because I'm putting it out there to the world that I'd like to do this before 27.5)

2) Start my Masters (I would have put finish my masters, but since I haven't actually started them yet and I refuse to give up my job/life for 2 years to get my masters full time, I'm just hoping to start them)

3) Actually finish a writing a book (I've got many started, one that actually has more 20 pages and ideas all over notebooks, sticky notes and hard drives, it's time to get one done)


4) Go Sky-Diving


5) Actually get to my goal weight and size and be more physically fit (they say 28 is the year you are most likely to loose weight, stick to a diet and have a more standardize exercise plan, and keep it off long term... also people over a certain weight can't do number 4, and not that I'm at that weight where I can't , but I'd like to make sure I don't get there)


6) Buy a new car (actually be able to pick out the car I want, in the color I want with the features I want and have it all in my own name etc.)


7)Improve my credit (made some mistakes in my 20's, and I'm just now starting to undo them, getting better slowly but surely)


8) Be part of a team that gets nominated for/wins an Emmy (as a kid I wanted to win my "own Emmy" by 30, now I realize just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to make a TV show and I wouldn't have it any other way



9) Get a Dog (a grown up step that doesn't involve buying a house/getting married/having a kid a good solid step)


10) Actually have a serious relationship (but since I refuse to ever date a co-worker, and I'm a work-aholic, and I just wasn't into online dating, I'm not really sure how I plan to meet anyone, but I think I'd like to come home to someone other than my cats)

11) Read War&Peace (okay maybe not this one but it sounds good right...has anyone actually read War&Peace, does anyone actually listen to Freebird?)

12) Finish Rosetta Stone and become at lease conversational in Spanish (mi gato es grande isn't really helpful anywhere)


13) Physically be at another Olympic Games(since I turn 30 in 2014 this leaves London 2012 or Sochi 2014)

14) Work on a major international/national event (the Super Bowl, the X-Games, World Cup Soccer, The GOP, the Democratic National Convention, something big )

15) Run a half marathon (this will help with 5!)


16) Be the lead Producer on a project/segments


17) Visit a Foreign Country (I guess this would happen if 13 happened... hmmm oh well)


18) Get a tattoo (somehow having a tattoo over 30 seems more acceptable than getting one, shrugs)

19) Meet Tina Fey, she's pretty much my TV/Professional Idol (maybe work with who knows)

20) Meet Matt Lauer, cause well he's Matt Lauer (maybe work with ya know)

21) Actually start planning for grown up life (like adding more to 401k start saving for something like a down payment for property or something?)

22) Buy a couch (this one sounds strange but in my head a couch is a very grown up purchase, and I have yet to make said purchase, my current couch is a hand me down and the ones I had before were futons or from Craigslist)


23) Buy an overpriced designer handbag


24) Put some actual art for my walls

25) Get something published (not really sure what, maybe the book I'll someday finish, maybe a poem, an article in something who knows)

26) Pitch a new TV show, maybe even shoot the pilot etc etc


27) Work a big budget Hollywood film (this is something I've yet to do, and I think it might be fun)

28) Actually go to Vegas (despite living 4 hours from Vegas for years, I've only ever driven through it)


29) Get a digital SLR and take a photography class (maybe I can put my own pictures on the wall as art)


30) Visit Nappa Valley, do a Nappa Valley wine tour. (mmm wine)


31) (because really 1 doesn't count) Actually see U2 in concert (when I did go visit LA this year (long story) I had to sell my tickets so ergo I still haven't seen U2 in concert)

So there you have it folks, my 30 things to do before I turn 30. I think it's totally realistic and possible, and maybe this will now be the focus of my blog, as it's been over a year since I tried to put myself out there, and to be honest, I don't think I did that very well, in fact I think I sort of exiled myself in new and different ways. Oh well, time to push forward and enjoy and rock the last 3 years of 20's.... let's do this!!

And now though I ask you, what is your 30 before 30, or your 31 before 31 or whatever your your list might be?

Putting my 26 year old self out there...

...to my 10th grade self! (this will be totally random but it might just be the swift ass kick I need to get back into this blog!)

After facebooking with a friend I've known since my freshmen year in HS about things that might horrify our 10th grade selves (in this case we were talking about we used to make fun of Giles from Buffy for being old, but our mid/late twenties selves can agree, he's kind of (okay really) good looking) and it made me wonder what else would my 10th grade self be surprised by? What, if I could go back in time would I want my 10th grade self to know now?


I'll start with something that goes against that old cliche, that High School is the best time of your life. It's not.

Don't get me wrong I had a wonderful HS experience, I had a really great group of friends, I was involved, I was busy, I took AP classes, my HS didn't really have a huge click problem and because I tend to give my all to just about anything I'm doing (and I'm a bit of brown-noser) I was pretty well liked by most of teachers. My HS experience was great! But, my college experience was better, and the 4 years I lived in LA while I tried to figure out what the hell someone actually does with "real life" was even better than that.

So I would tell my 10th grade self, that HS is only the best years of your life it you let it be. Enjoy it while it lasts because those 4 years are very important in the formation of whoever the hell it is you are going to be, but if you work hard enough, and just keep on trucking there will only be better times a head. And while HS is great, when it's over and you look back, no matter how great it was, you probably won't want to do it again.

I would tell my 10th grade self that the things I thought were hard then aren't. The problems I was facing then are nothing compared to what's coming out there in the big scary real world, but like all things this to shall pass. I would also tell my 10th grade self that first impressions aren't always correct.

My 10th grade self might be shocked to learn that I'm not teaching great musical discussions, or even working in music at all. Being somewhat tone-deaf, and really really awful at music theory ended that dream pretty early on in my HS career, but honestly I'm in the career I'm supposed to be in. My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that all those videos I made in HS for one project or another, because I didn't want to write another paper, turned in to my passion, an then into my career.

My 10th grade self might be disappointed by the fact that I didn't go to NYU, and then shocked by the fact that I didn't even apply. My 10th grade self would be a little bit angry that I went to the college near by my hometown that I swore I'd never go too, and that I'm so happy I did, because it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

My 10th grade self might be horrified to learn that I'm not married with kids on the way, and I don't live in NYC, and even more horrified to learn that I actually live in a town not much bigger than where I grew up, in suburbia for Christ's sake! My 10th grade self might wonder what the hell I was thinking leaving Los Angeles! (my 26 year old self wonders that sometimes too! But if you knew where I worked you'd prolly tell me I live where I'm supposed to live).

My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that I occasionally interact with people that I didn't really talk to in 10th grade via the Internet, on this crazy thing called Facebook (and blogger) that wasn't even thought of it all those years ago. My 10th grade self might be even more surprised to learn that the people who mattered in 10th grade (and even those who mattered long before) still matter now, are people that I still talk too, and even see occasionally. My 10th grade self would be shocked (jaw on the ground shocked) that person who was my biggest "rival" in HS is now one of my best friends all because we met over coffee one cold night while I was home over break during college.

My 10th grade self would be amazed at the technology I cannot live without these days, the amount of money I pay for a trainer, and the fact that I send my laundry out. My 10th grade self might be upset with the fact that I've become a little bit shallow. While we certainly weren't destitute growing up my family wasn't exactly running around with the latest and greatest technology and we certainly were not what you would consider early adopters, and we certainly didn't pay someone else to do things for us. Though to be fair to my 26 year old self, my 10th grade self wouldn't be surprised by the fact that despite all the new and fancy things I've come to acquire that I still have my stuffed bunny from way back in 3rd grade, and I still have a really sentimental streak that causes me to collect pins and shot glasses and stuffed penguins.

My 10th grade self might be appalled to learn that I'm not totally 100% democrat!! (big gasp shocker I know!!) but that's all I will say on that subject.

My 10th grade self might be relieved to know that I'm super tight with my younger sister who at the time I didn't necessarily always get along with. My 10th grade self might be surprised to learn that the 7 year gap between myself and my baby sister reared it's ugly head in my 20's and while I still love and adore her more than most people on the planet, for the first time ever that 7 year gap might as well be different planets, because I just don't get it. My 10th grade self wouldn't be surprised that I still get along with my parents, and probably less surprised that even though I'm now supposedly a grown up I still don't necessarily understand all of their decisions, but I certainly have a new found respect for them, because this being a grown up thing is hard.

My 10th grade self might laugh at the fact that my 26 year old self owns all 7 seasons of Buffy on DVD (and the season 8 comics) on of my favorite movies is still Cruel Intentions, and I no longer giggle how dirty I thought it was in 10th grade. My 10th grade self will be sad to learn that Neil Patrick Harris is gay, as he was my second TV crush. That being said my 10th grade self might be sad to learn that my first TV crush Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's. My 10th grade self will laugh at the fact that I read all the Harry Potters, and I'm a really big Harry Potter dork. My 10th grade self would also laugh at the fact that despite my deep HS crush on David Boreanaz it took my a full 3 seasons before I watched Bones and would totally laugh at the fact that I still had to look up how to spell Boreanaz correctly.

My 10th grade self might be impressed by the fact that I've been to the Olympics! (A dream I had since I was 11) And not only have I been there, I worked there, and then I worked on them again 4 years later. Hell it still spins my 26 year old self's head.

My 10th grade self would be surprised to learn that I started a blog about a year and a half ago and that I don't update nearly as often as I should. My 10th grade self would also be surprised to learn that I have yet to finish writing a novel and my 10th grade self might be sad to learn I don't write nearly as much as I always thought I would.

I wonder if my 10th grade self would like the person my 26 year old self is? I think I am alot more open minded now then I was then, but I think my 10th grade self would be disappointed by some of my newer traits and thus I think there is some room for improvement as far as the things I can still change, but I think my friends that's just life. I think my 10th grade self was more optimistic and idealistic than my 26 year old self, but I'm pretty sure that's why I started this blog, to get some of that back. It's strange but looking at this, right now I think for the first time in a long time I know what I want in life...

I want to be the person my 10th grade self would be proud to be!

Putting an olive branch out there

I have to wonder though...is it still considered an "Olive Branch" if the person you're extending it too didn't even realize there was a rift? Is it still an "Olive Branch" if the person you're extending it too is the person who should actually be extending it??



I'll admit some reaching out has been done, and I'll admit that I am not 100% blameless, but to put it bluntly it almost feels like too little too late. But I'm reminded of a quote from my favorite show of all time, Buffy, "to forgive is an act of compassion, it's not done because people deserve it, but because they need it."



I think in general I forgive people for hurting me all to easily. But, just so we're clear, if someone hurts someone I love there is very little chance of forgiveness and I will in fact unleash my well hidden (but still awful) bitch mode... you think I'm kidding but I'm really really not. Clearly I've digressed again, this is about forgiveness not my inner bitch coming out to play.



I have this not so hidden desire to make sure everything is okay, with everybody, all the time. It's probably part of my control issues, but I don't like it when people are mad at me, and I don't like being mad at people, so I forgive, often times forget, and move on. And I usually end up getting hurt and pissed off again. I've done my fair share of not nice, mean, stupid and upsetting things and people always seem to forgive my mistakes so why shouldn't I forgive other people's?



It's come to my own attention that I have let people walk all over me for a long time. I have made up excuses for people, and let things slide and watched people continue to do dumb things and maybe even things that I wouldn't forgive other people for. All because they've forgiven me time and time again. But it's come to my attention that I'm not helping anyone with this continuous cycle. I tried to be angry, and upset and even got down on paper all the things I wish I had the strength to actually say, and then just like always it dissipated and I wasn't so angry any more. I came to the conclusion that I just needed to leave well enough alone and let the chips fall where they may, but for many many reasons I couldn't do that either. But even still, I for the first time in a long while was still angry, upset and frustrated, I still am on a lot of levels, but ...


I put myself out there and extended an Olive Branch, and things magically got better, all is right with the world and it's like nothing has ever changed and it's all gravy!



That's a big fat lie, but the Olive Branch has been extended because I was afraid if I didn't do it I'd lose out on some people completely, and though I've threatened to be done with people before, I'm not really ready for that. Or maybe I just not ready to be done with it on terms that aren't my own. Who knows... but despite being, some what angry, upset and frustrated it's like the quote above said, forgiveness is an act of compassion, and if nothing else I'm a pretty compassionate person.

Putting myself out there and working for free... and then once again learning my own worth

So here, and a couple posts after, I will fill in the blanks

I got back to my parents house the first week of September, and while most people would want a couple of weeks to maybe decompress from everything, as much as I needed to decompress, I didn't.

I started work almost right away for a small production company, as Associate Producer, working for free, which at the time sounded like a good idea. It sounded like it had a lot of promise, it was going to go for about 3 months, and if things went well for said company's projects, maybe just maybe after those 3 months the job would be extended and I could get paid. Just for the record I wasn't the only one not getting paid, essentially we were all hired as free labor.

The working for free situation lasted 3 weeks, and by that I mean, in that span of 21 days I probably went to said job 7 times. I figured I was working for free, I didn't (and wouldn't) go everyday. Even not going every day was costing an arm and a leg.

All ina all it was costing me more money to go into the city, and almost as much as the rent I was having trouble paying for before I moved back east, than the whole situation was worth. Not to mention that even though I wasn't being paid I was expected to be available at all times, on my blackberry to answer emails and phone calls at all hours. This concept wasn't new to me, in fact it wasn't any different than other jobs I've had in production, the difference being, for those other jobs, I was decently well compensated, was working for shows/productions with pretty fast coming actual deadlines, and I knew (for the most part LOL) what I was getting myself into. When I agreed to work for free, I didn't realize a freelance gig for no pay was going to take over my entire life.

For various other reasons other than just no pay (and there were plenty) I put myself out there and broke up with my freelance boss over email, asking her to call me so we could discuss me maybe still helping out from afar on a couple of things I had pitched to her. Not my most mature move, but I'll end this short story with this... "when in Rome..."

So, I was back to square one on the job front, though after my short experience with aforementioned job, I honestly felt like I hadn't ever left. But, not working at job for no pay also meant I wasn't spending any money on going into NYC, and wasn't spending money on lunch and food as I wandered the city. So maybe, being at square one was a good thing. I could go back to my original plan of visiting friends and family on the East Coast, while looking for work kind of all over, and then hoping that certain jobs I wanted would become available sometime after the first of the year.

I will tell you now (because I know you are all dying of suspense, and if you read the post before this you already know) that’s not what happened.

A phone call from a dear friend in Boston offered a new, albeit short but lucrative, opportunity that I jumped at. It meant not only would I be able to meet new people in the production world, in yet another city, it also meant I could catch up with said friend, another very good friend, and visit my grandparents and yet another very good friend in Cape Cod.

Like everything else in recent months, it was it's own adventure.

Putting my recent history out there

If I were to make a resume for myself for the last 8 months if would look like this. I will give you all the back story later.

Jennifer Lastname

Various Locations, USA

Cell Phone #

email@gmail.com

Education: B.S. Television/Radio Communciations. Ithaca College-2006

Large Company-CT-November 2010-Present Day

*New Position Just Recently Created in a Department I Have Never Worked in Before

Monitoring incoming and outgoing feeds for multiple networks to assure that content is clear for broadcast. Working very strange and ever changing hours. Apparently impressing upper managment while staying organized and on top of other assigned projects. Volunteering at a really excellnt yearly event. Living in a small town in the middle of no where, while not exactly putting myself out there in as many ways as I could.

Small Production Company-Boston, MA- 4 Days in October 2010

*Script Supervisor

Responsible for maintaining internal continuity and recording the production unit's daily progress in shooting. Taking notes on each take for editing purposes. Eating craft service while crew set up shots, waiting for the sun to move behind a cloud so shooting could continue, getting lost in the city of Boston,never being untime for work and constantly erasing my poorly hand written notes in the script.

Even Smaller Production Company-New York, NY- 3 Weeks (6 days) in September 2010

*Unpaid "Associate Producer"/"Apparent Fund/Capital Raiser"

Researching topics, people and lifestyles for potential reality docu-shows. Preparing research materials for Producer to write pitches of new shows to networks. Trying to find topics, people and lifestyles based of the Producers, ever chaning, poorly worded, and vague descriptions of what according to outdated memos was what networks wanted. Listening to Producer have very private conversations/arguments very publically in the middle of the work day and office. Answering emails, voicemails and phone calls at all hours of the day night and morning. Not working on the documentary I was hired to work on, and trying to find funding for documentaries and local cable access shows despite having no experience in doing so.

Special Skills and Achivements:

*Staying up all night or Waking up at 4am or Sleeping till Noon

*Getting Lost in the city of Boston

*Getting very excited about visiting Penguins

*Packing on the pounds

*Not dieting

*Not going to the gym even though I had a lot of time to do so

*Not blogging even though I had no reason not to, and a great many reasons to do so

*Not dying while driving in the city of Boston, MA

*Quitting a job after 3wks/7 days

*Reconnecting with old friends, and a good chunk of my family

*Painting my bathroom

*Purchasing a new tv

Putting myself out of the fog

I have been living in a fog for the last I don't know 5 or so months? At least since I've been back on the East Coast. And it's sad, because I have lots of things that I've done since moving back and lots of things I've started to write about, but just haven't been able to finish, for one reason or another.

It all comes down to me being in a fog. For the last 5 months, despite moving cross country, despite freelancing for a couple of different places in a couple of different locations, reconnecting with friends and family I haven't seen in years, getting and accepting an offer from a great company with longterm staying power, benefits and a whole lot of room for upward mobility, getting my own place, starting to nest (something new for me for sure) I sort of feel I'm in the exact same place I was on that treadmill all those months ago when I decided to start this blog.

In some ways I'm really not, like the in the literal sense for example, but with moving comes a whole host of new insecurities, and new challenges. Leaving behind a tight group of friends in CA leaves me even more anti social than I was in LA. Though this time it's entirely by choice, I just don't know anyone in CT yet. (more on this later, I'm branching out and making friends, but I started a whole post about that experience... and may just finish it)

So last week I kicked it up a notch at the gym again and while I was on the elliptical this time I realized I needed to snap out of it. I needed to snap out of the I was just unemployed and I've just moved to a new city funk. I'm not unemployed, haven't really been since October, and I haven't really just moved, I've been here since... well October.

And yet it's taken me this long to realize that I hadn't shaken it all off yet. In fact, I'm really behind on letting a lot of things go, and I think it's what is holding me back at this new stage of my life. UGH.

So, okay now I have the all important task of shaking off everything from the last few years, shaking off the insanity that was the last few months, and shaking off the weight I've gained living in this funk and putting myself back out there, because I do not want to wake up at the end of my year of putting myself out there and realizing I'm even further in than when I started, and also the more I put myself out there at this newest stage of my life, the happier and better off I will be.

Putting myself back out there.

After this I am done talking about my road trip, at least in the blog for the moment, I actually think looking back in general the whole trip was a journey that I will probably use as a metaphor or something.

(I really did want to keep up with this blog… le sigh)

So I’m going to give you a rundown of the last 4 months in as few words as possiblekeep going from there.

Let’s see last anyone who was keeping with this read was I was making my way to Canada/US border.

We got in no problem, so that’s kind of anti-climatic, but I was un-intentionally snarky to the Customs attendant. He wanted to know where we had come from, I answered that day we had come from MI, but we had started our journey in Los Angeles. He asked where we were going, I told him, he asked what my current address was. I blinked a few times and came back with the most honest answer I could, because at that very moment, I had no address. “Uh, this grey car?” was my answer. He couldn’t really say anything to that, looked at our passports, and looked at our ID’s and sent us on our merry way.

Our merry way just happened to be to the home of the original BUFFALO WINGS!! MMMM

I had been telling Babs for years she had never had real chicken wings, because she had never been to NY. Well since we were in NY, and we were where the original wing was, that’s where we were going.

They were good. That’s all you really need to do about that.

Then 3 more hours in the car, down a dark and scary road (a dark tight road if you will LOL inside joke) we arrived at my parents house in upstate NY.

I had done it, I put myself out there on the open road and I had moved back east. Even though road trip was over the adventure was just beginning, and let me tell you my friends it has been a wild ride.