Putting myself out there and admitting (again) I don't take enough advantage of the fact...

...that I live in Los Angles.  A coworker said something like that to me the other day.  He said he and his wife "dont' take enough advantage of Los Angeles"  it got me thinking, that I too don't take enough advantage of Los Angeles, and in retrospect wasn't that part of what starting this blog was all about?

So here I sit 6 months and 1 day in to my second move to Los Angeles (and my third move cross country)  and I spent the last 2 hours outside enjoying the most perfect day of weather ever.  A perfect Sunny 75 degrees with not a cloud in the sky.  And most days are like this in Los Angeles, and most days like this I spend either at work or watching TV on my couch.  It's sad really, but I think part of it is because when you have 290 plus days of sunshine a year, what makes one of them any more special than any other?  Probably nothing, but then again, you never know where they day will take you if you don't get off the couch a little more. So I spent the morning dog sitting my good friends dog and drinking my coffee on the patio.  I spent sometime sitting by the pool at my apartment with a good book and a cold (non alcoholic) beverage, and I took advantage of yet another perfect day of weather.

It was a week ago my TV finally arrived from the East Coast, I had gotten such a good deal on when I bought it that I knew selling it was never going to help me get another TV so I let it sit at my old upstairs neighbors house in CT while I tried to figure out the best way to get it here.  If I had known it would have been as cheap and easy as it was, I'd like to think I would have done it a long time ago.  I wouldn't have, but I'd like to think that I would have.  It always just seemed like so much effort to ship...

It wasn't until this morning while I was making the bed at my friends house where I stayed to dog sit for the last few days I realized what it was about the last 6 months and 1 day in LA that made me a little gun shy, maybe a little more reserved than I had hoped the move back to LA would make me...

...The fear that this was all just temporary. The fear that maybe if I got to attached, I'd have to leave again and I'd be heartbroken over it once again.

Since I'm being so open at the moment, and since this whole blog is about putting myself out there, I'm going to be honest... I feel like I knew 30 days (30 days... 1 month!) in to my move to CT, that I wanted that to be temporary. I knew 6 months and 1 day in that it was going to be temporary and that Los Angeles really was where I wanted to call home. I feel like I got up everyday knowing that it was temporary and thus didn't feel the need to experience anything that was going on around me.  Which I know is kind of a counter intuitive way of looking at the situation, because normally if things are temporary you should WANT to experience all you can because you might not be there later.  But in my case it was because it just didn't matter and it was all going to go away and I could get back to what I had been referring to for sometime as "my real life" , so why bother putting down roots, roots would mean a tree would grow and form branches and grow leaves, and other tree metaphors...and I didn't want to be a tree in CT.  I spent a lot of time sad, alone and maybe even a little depressed, I was afraid if I let myself enjoy it, I'd never leave, I'd get complacent and I'd become a tree.

I once again naively thought that moving back to LA would be a cure all for all those things I mentioned above.  Newsflash... it wasn't, but it wasn't until just now I think I realized why.  I was afraid I couldn't become a tree here, and here is where I want to become a tree (or a cookie!).

I can experience things and fall back in love with Los Angeles (hell maybe even fall in love with someone, because for the first time ever I think I really want too, and I feel like I really can... but that's a different post) because here is where I want to be a tree!  I want to take advantage of the fact that I live here, I want to experience all those things I didn't or couldn't experience in CT and I want to be here now... and probably (possibly) always. I want to make being here worth being here, worth putting down my roots, and becoming a tree!

I need to snap out of it, I need to realize that I can't experience the world from my couch, which I admit I have gotten quite used to doing.  I need to do things even if they take what I would consider "too much effort" because as it turns out those are things that are worth doing (case in point this week I drove to Hollywood and I sat in line for three hours to make sure my friends and I could get tickets to a screening of Jurassic Park in cemetery and then waited another 2 hours before the movie started and while that sounds insane and like a lot of effort... I had really excellent evening!!) I need to realize that I'll still be able to do my job even if I'm a little more tired because the night before I went to a concert, or out with friends or whatever.  (this doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy before those 5am mornings) I need to embrace the insanity of it all and just be here now... because forever or not, there is no point in living in LA if I'm just going to sit on my couch.