The American Dream... and Exhaustion part 1 High School

In all honesty, lately, I've been feeling what I can only describe, as burnt out.  Totally and 100% burnt out.

At first, I was annoyed, and confused by said feeling.  The job I'm currently at has me working less and more consistent hours than I have ever, probably in my adult life.  Sure, it has it's challenges, but it doesn't have the hours and the insanity that have come with other jobs I've had. So why now?  After all these years and jobs with 100 hour work weeks, 4 am mornings, overnights,  jobs with no true weekends, or jobs with no days off, why now do I feel completely and totally drained Friday at 5pm?  It made me stop and take a good hard look at my life now, and my life for the last 8 years, and then my life for the last 16 years.

My story is not unique, it's not even uncommon. The details are different, but the plot is the same. I'm from that weird generation somewhere between X, Y, and Millennial. That generation who graduated high school when the economy was still strong, and graduated college shortly before the bubble burst. The generation of people who were given a road map of things we were expected to do, how we were supposed to do it, and when we were supposed to do it.

College, unlike High School is not something the government states you HAVE to do. While it wasn't ever forced on me, my family made it pretty clear that I was going to college. Society, painted a pretty clear picture too. Work hard, get good grades, do well, do good, and go to college, get a job.  And even though I hate him John Mayer, summed it up pretty well in the song "No Such Thing".  So, not going to college really wasn't option.

I was 14 years old the first time I heard the words "will look good on your college applications one day".  I was 14 years old when I first took the bait and jumped at the opportunity to join something that "will look good on your college applications one day".  14... the beginning of my Freshmen year in High School.  A good 3 years before the words "SATS" "Admission Packets" "College Information Night" "FASFA" and any other related term had made into regular every day conversation.  Again for good measure... 14.

I was 15 years old when I made the realization that I wasn't going to be in the have the "highest of highest of grades" and I should probably boost my chances at getting into a "good college" by doing even more extracurriculars and volunteering than I was already doing, and that the following year regular NYS Regents Level 11th Grade English and American History, wasn't necessarily going to cut it if I wanted to look like an attractive candidate for the colleges I had set my sights on. By that point, even though I knew the above to be true somewhere along the line my inner mantra changed from "I'm really good at the classes where we are watching the Sand Lot and writing book reports, and coloring maps so I'm going to get a 95 on my report card, yay me!" to something like  "I'd rather be okay at something hard, than great at something easy."

I was 16 years old the first time I didn't make the honor roll, probably because I was just only okay at the classes I had signed up for, and probably because I spent most nights and weekends at one or another extracurricular actives.  I have vivid memories of sobbing hysterically on a very good friends lap in the choir room while a very good teacher tried to remind me that one marking period wasn't going to end my dreams of of a "good college" and a "good job". He was right of course, I know that now, I probably knew that then, but when the whole world is telling you "Work hard, get good grades, do well, do good, and go to a college, get a job", it's kind of hard to believe that everything will work out, even though I had only gotten an 84 over all average and didn't make the HS honor roll.

I was also 16 years old the first (and only)  time I failed a NYS regents exam.  (To to this day even though I know I was really really bad at Trigonometry I still refuse to believe I was that bad and that they only graded part of my test, delusional). My options were get a tutor, and take the test again thus erasing the first grade. Or take the class, which I passed with 76, again and then taking the exam again a semester late.  Despite my mother, the math teacher, and my guidance counselor telling me it wasn't a big deal and I could just take the test again, I chose to take the whole class over again, because I was not going to have an 76  as a final grade on my transcript.  I'm pretty sure I ended up with an 81 in the class and a 78 on exam... still blah, but at least it was better, and I was told I really could not take the  class or the test again.

I was still 16 when my senior year started, and the teachers of my AP and ACE classes started telling the students in these classes that we were "the best and the brightest", "the most advance kids in the school", "the kids everyone expects to go on to top universities and colleges" when the year was over. Frequently we were told that everything we had done up until that point was going to be looked at scrutinized and judged, and we needed to act as leaders and uphold the reputation of blah blah blah blah... seriously, looking back, it's a wonder more of us didn't start crying hysterically at any given point during the day.

I was 17 years old when I filled out my college applications.  I filled out 3, I only ever sent it one.  I knew where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do, and everything I had done up till that point was going to get me there. For the past 3 years and the current senior year  I was in the Marching Band, I was on the board of my towns Youth Council, I helped create a youth lock in (that is still going on 15 years later) I was in the Interact Volunteer Club, the Drama Club (both backstage and on stage),Yearbook, Choir, a member of a statewide No Smoking Initiative, I volunteered multiple years at a summer camp for special needs kids, I had taken and was still taking AP and ACE courses, I took an extra year of Spanish, I took a class I passed again to get a better grade, I was a nominee for Girls State, I gave an admissions interview even though it wasn't required, I had a pile of recommendation letters, I was ready, I had done everything and then some (and probably too much) to make myself a top candidate (side bar: to the Suzy Lee Weiss's of the world THAT's how you make yourself desirable to the "good colleges" out there, and even then , even then, there are still no guarantees)  I was ready, I was applying to the college I wanted to apply to, because in my mind, I had done everything "right" and I was good enough to get in. I was too young and excited to realize I was probably already headed in the direction of burn out and exhaustion.

A few months later, when I was still 17 years old (the opening night of the spring musical) when  I got into my top choice dream "good college" I was promised by the world for working so hard. I should mention that is a great  college, I just use the quotes to emphasize my point that myself and other people of my generation had heard "good college" for our entire lives.  I was elated, I was over the moon.  I had done it, it was hard, and it was messy, I wasn't perfect, but I HAD DONE IT!  I was too young to realize that was truly just the beginning of the work and the amazing journey my life has been since then, but that's another post.

I was also 17 years old when "grades froze", a whole marking period before Graduation.  A full 6 weeks of classes, projects, papers, finals and grades that were not going to count towards the grades that solidified the top percent of the class, the top students, who was going to graduate with honors and who wasn't.  It turns out, that first time when I was 16 where I didn't make the honor roll, wasn't the last, and the time of "grades freezing" I was going to walk at graduation with an 84.7 and without honors. My inner mantra again changed and went from "I'd rather be okay at something hard than great at something easy", became "I should have just taken the easy road".  I was 17 years old when I cried on the same friends lap, in the same choir room with same teacher as I did 2.5 years before.  For the first time I thought all my hard work was for nothing, that  I wasn't good enough,that  I hadn't done what was asked of me, that I didn't try hard enough, that I was dumb, that all my dreams were going to slip away from me.  I cried for days, I talked to teachers, and the administration begging for anything I could do extra credit wise to boost my average that last .3 to be able to walk at graduation with honors.  I felt like a fraud, and a failure.  I was for sure too young to be having these thoughts and feelings.
I honest to God and the Flying Spaghetti monster thought my top choice, dream "good college" was going to change their minds about me and my acceptance was going to be retracted.  Ultimately, college was  never actually going to see my grades at the time of "grade freeze", all anyone would ever get was  my completed transcript with the aforementioned last 6 weeks of grades factored in, leaving me overall with an average slightly above 85.  Nothing lights a fire under your ass more than thinking you were going to lose everything you worked for, and I had really good final marking period.  So, it all worked out and I was well on my way to the rest of my life.

I certainly haven't loved every minute of every day since High School graduation, and it has and continues to be a very long, tiring, sometimes thankless, sometimes awful, often times good, sometimes great and  rewarding journey.  And every minute of it has lead me here, where ever here is now.

How I Met...

Your Mother... or as I think it now should be called, "How I survived My Life After College"

People have been commenting and posting about how the show ended for a full 48 hours now, I've read a lot reviews but the one I like the most is from someone who has been part of "surviving life after college" life.  For an awesome, and totally dead on review of the finale please see How I Met Your (Spoiler) a review by my dear friend Polly, who unsurprisingly had the same reaction I did.  I should also mention, Polly is one my favorite people in the world, and during the course of our friendship we've had a great many of our own HIMYM moments, some I didn't realize were even happening, and I hope one that will someday soon include us singing karaoke.  Others were more obvious, like the time I got a phone call that started with "listen this might be a very interesting afternoon." :)

For me, much like the "Two Beavers" song, ultimately the show ended up being about friendship. The people who no matter what will have your back, even when maybe they don't want too. This show was about those weird years after college, and the big 'now what?' which is what this blog has always been all about.  It was about how life isn't always pretty, it's not always a happy thing, but if you've got people by your side  the messy unhappy times can be weathered.

This show was about figuring out who you were, are, and who you will become.  It was about "intergroup dating" and how messy that really can become. It was about losing jobs, and hating jobs, and getting "the job", and being broke, and not being broke, and figuring out how to handle all those "real world" things.  I didn't experience every thing that the characters on HIMYM went through, but between myself, and my group of friends, we hit (almost) every single one of the messy moments the characters went through during the run of the show. Even some of the less big life events, a bar where everyone knew our names (even after years of not going to it) silly inside jokes that probably truly aren't funny to anyone else, brunch (omg I love brunch) hangovers, road trips, stupid college foods, sandwiches etc.

It was about all those life changes that happen when you get to your mid to late twenties and beyond.  It was realistic in ways I don't think Friends ever was. I mean don't get me wrong, I always wanted to be friends with those people, but I felt like I had friends like the cast of How I Met Your Mother.    And maybe part of that is because when Friends was on I was really too young to understand the "real world".  And maybe part of that is because is when Friends was on, the bubble hadn't burst yet, the economy was still booming, and the promise of the American dream hadn't been squashed yet.  But even now I watch Friends and think wow, they glossed over a lot of life's messy bits.  And it was all tied up in a neat little bow at the end.  I'd like to think that Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe moved on from that apartment and those lives and stayed friends forever.  But we never got to see it, so really who knows.

But with How I Met Your Mother, we got to see the future, 25 years after that first meeting of all of them MacLaren's Pub, we know they're still hanging out.  They're still friends, maybe not every minute of every day of those 25 years, but the fact of the matter is those people moved all over the world, and when they were all together again it was like no time had passed.  As Lily said "we promised to be there for the big moments!" (which apparently also meant "the birth of her ex-husbands love child"?)
And I can only hope that years and years from now, no matter where the wind takes us, no matter who marries or divorces who, that we can be there for all big moments, and all the small moments in between all the way up to our "front porch " moments.

I am going to love this show always, even if I am a little annoyed that the "titular" character kind of seemed like an afterthought. I am going to love that there is show that for the most accurately described what I was feeling a lot of the time, and I'm going to love that I have a group of friends who I survived life after college with, and I'm going to love the fact that I never have to wonder what it would be like to be part of that group of friends, because I've got one.


(This post also could have been titled How I Met Your Mother, and homesickness, because after watching said show, and watching everyone say goodbye during the wedding I'm all weepy and more so than normal it makes me hate being far away from my nearest and dearest friends. )

An updated, perhaps slightly more logical list

A New Year! A New Post!

And 290 days till I turn 30.  I'm actually pretty okay with that, I've decided my life will begin anew at 30! My 20s were a very strange decade, full of moving, and being unsettled, great jobs, bad jobs, and everything in between.. a decade of growth for sure, but I'm hoping my 30s help me be a little more settled down, and help me improve on that growth. 

In 2011 I created a list of the 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30 (you can read that HERE) and now, the year of my actual 30th birthday, I've decided to revisit.


Let's start off the list with the things that were on that list, that I actually accomplished:


1) Move back to Los Angeles... I did this at 27, in January in 2012! (only to move to Denver January 2013... life is really unexpected most of the time)


2) Buy a new car (actually be able to pick out the car I want, in the color I want with the features I want and have it all in my own name etc.) I did this in April 2013... I totaled my dented Chevy... it was kind of sad, and then all I could think was NEW CAR!! I bought a Jetta, my 16 year old self, might have been more excited than my 28 year old self LOL, but damn it my 28 year old self was happy!


3) Improve my credit (made some mistakes in my 20's, and I'm just now starting to undo them, getting better slowly but surely) ... buying the car gave me an excuse to look at my credit score for real.  It wasn't great, but it was already better than I had thought, and better than it had been when I wrote this to begin with.  Buying the car and making payments and getting low limit credit cards and making payments on time has helped with all of this... slowly but surely. 


4)  Be the lead Producer on a project/segments-  I made the switch to working in Promotions in October 2012... I write and produce spots all the time now, I've got bigger things in the pipeline now too... so go me?


5) Actually start planning for grown up life (like adding more to 401k start saving for something like a down payment for property or something?) I have sort of started adding money to my 401k... also in thinking of improving credit I've started thinking about buying a house or something... for real, I'm going to spend this year figuring out if I can afford to buy a house, if I can afford to buy what I want in my first house, and is buying a house something I really want to do...


6)  Buy a couch, I did this!! Twice, technically.  I bought a great purple living room set in LA, only to sell it before I left, and buy a new couch and living room set (and a new queen sized bed, complete with headboard) in Denver... so does that count as 2 checks??

7) Buy an overpriced designer handbag... well, I bought them all on sale, since this post I've bought a fair few... and a wallet.. and a dress... ALL ON SALE, marked down, last season...much cheaper, but yes, I did this. 


8) Put some actual art for my walls, thanks to one of my favorite people ever I have REAL art on my walls.  A good friend of hers is an artist in Florida, and I was gifted a very lovely piece of art. (I'm pretty sure my painting from Canvas and Cocktails doesn't count, but hey it's on the wall too! And not to be out done a framed photo of my one half of my favorite set of twins' chocolate floor doodle) 


So 8 out of 30 ain't bad right?  the next chunk is things actually in progress, or at least things I'm making strides towards for real. 


Things still in progress, slightly adjusted for reality: 

9) Originally, this was "Start Masters" ... well that won't be happening this year, but I am looking for a math class and GMAT prep class to take this year so I can take the GMAT or the GRE's, so now this is TAKE GRAD SCHOOL ADMISSIONS TEST.  My boss is very supportive of the idea, and is the one who suggested I find a math tutor or a class to take, because no matter how hard I try to study I just don't remember how to do the math, and the practice tests I've taken make me feel dumb.  So take classes, take test...finalize schools to apply to

10) This was originally, get to goal weight, and after I wrote that, I promptly continued to gain, I was 20lbs away from the be all end all goal weight in 2010, but 2011 I had gained 30lbs back, and promptly gained another 10, then another 10, and ended up the highest weight I had ever been in my life... so fail... BUT, I joined Weight Watchers in August 2013 and I'm back down 23lbs... 57 to go! I'd like to get 40 or so off by my 30th birthday... so 40 till then!  

11) This used to be Win Emmy/Get Nominated for an Emmy with a team... still possible I suppose, there are Sports Emmy's, Regional Emmy's and I have big plans for work this year... so maybe a promo or a segment gets a nomination... and I'd very much take a Telly  award and a PROMAXBDA award/nomination... because why not?!?!


12) This used to be Run a half marathon... right now I'm working on Couch to 5k...I'd like to be able to run a 10k by 30... and I want to run the Tinkerbell Half marathon in January 2015 (a few months after I turn 30) 

13) This used to be pitch new tv show, shoot some sort of pilot... this is now pitch new segments and new campaigns to work... make plan, execute plan, have awesome finished product, a benchmark piece if you will. 

14) Read War&Peace... it's totally 100% on my Kindle... that counts for something right?!?!?


Things still on old list I want to accomplish/do but have yet to do.

15) Get a Tattoo. I know where I want, what I want, I just need to do it. 


Now for Brand Spankin' new, realistic goals for the next 290 days.


16) Master the Beef Wellington... or maybe just successfully cook a Beef Wellington.  Years of watching Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef and I'm like, ya know what I can do this!! 

17) Learn to frost pretty cupcakes, I make awesome cupcakes, the frosting looks like crap... 

18) This used to 2 things,  finish writing a book and get something something published ... I've started 2 books since then... but this is now Find all the copies, drafts and doodles of my children's books, refine them, package them nicely, think about looking into what it would take to get them published... even just to self publish them via the interwebs and give as gifts...also finish writing my newest book "Hedwig and the Hedgehog"

19) Buy my mother a plane ticket to visit me.  She hasn't been out to visit me in the 8 years since I've been away, it's time she does, I'll pay for it... or at least the plane ticket traveling west... she'll either have to stay put forever, or buy her own ticket back home LOL.

20) Take a class of some sort, just for fun, something random, maybe a cake decorating class, or a class where I make beef wellington, or something random like pottery, ceramics, belly dancing (might as well tone the belly I'm trying to shrink) but something in addition to my math/GMAT prep classes... something just for fun!!! Or hell Ballroom dancing! 

21) Write certain letters I may not ever send, but letters to the following: One person I need to apologize too, because I understand things differently now. One person who doubted me, and it only fueled my desire to achieve things. More than 2 people who very much helped me get to where I am now and where I am going. 

22) Send Birthday cards to a bunch of people for real and on time.

23) See a show at Red Rocks... I live in CO, how can I NOT do this

24) Go "to the mountains" I won't ski... but I still haven't been to "the mountains" and I'd love a nice dinner, a spa day, and like a hike or something in an adorable little ski village

25) Meet more people in Denver, make new friends, spend more time with the ones I have here already

26) Get out in the field more for work, go on shoots, interviews etc.  This will help with a lot of the above goals. 

28) Learn Avid, certainly not master it, but learn it, have a real understanding of it, like I did with FCP, I think it will make me better at my job, and maybe more capable and efficient. I like to be useful and helpful and I just like to understand what's going on around me.

29) Do the hike at Flat Irons park I was too out of shape, and too uncomfortable doing last year, maybe once I start running more and getting more in shape I'll be able to do this, last year I got an 8th of the way and decided I couldn't do it... I feel bad about that. 

30) Save $500 dollars... specifically for buying myself some ridiculous 30th birthday present!


There were a lot of things on the old list that are not going to happen by the time I'm 30 (for Example, I'm not going to be at another Olympics, which I'm very much okay with. And I'm kind over the idea of skydiving) but for the most part I'd rather not dwell on what wasn't, or isn't.  I'm proud to say I've crossed off 8 things on that first list, no matter how random or small some were.  I'm proud to say I've taken steps towards things still in progress, and still possible, and I'm proud to say that I'm smart enough to reel in my thoughts and goals to things that are more manageable and tangible, and to accept that.  That's not to say I still don't have a crazy list of things I want to accomplish, and that my dreams have gotten any smaller. But for now, it's all one step at a time.