It's kind of a heartbreaking thing, to realize that I'm just like everyone else in whatever the so called "experts" have decided to call the group of people born sometime near when I was born. Millennial, Generation X... or whatever made up generation I am supposed to be a part of this year. Fair warning, this might be a little bore rambling, and little more honest than I intended it to be.
Sometime ago, the word Millennial came out and that definition seems to change every few months, and the definition changes depending on which industry you are asking. For some, this "generation", means anyone born between 1982-and sometime in the early 2000's. For a long time I wanted to know what me, as an almost 29 year old, and someone born anytime after 2001 had in common. I hate being compared to these kids. Seriously what do we have in common? I have a job, and bills, and I was supposedly promised the American Dream sometime in the late 90's that apparently I may actually never get, and I'm not supposed to be upset by this, I live on my own, my mom doesn't cut the crusts off my sandwiches and send me to school every morning, I know where I was on 9/11, I didn't get a cell phone until I was 18 and could pay for it myself, facetime/skype and whatever other form of communication we're using wasn't even a thing when I graduated High School... so please Marketing/Ad people tell me what it is I have in common with someone born in 2002?!?!
The answer, it turns out is very very simple. That kid born in 2002 and I both want expensive things we (or maybe our parents) cannot afford. We want iPhones, and expensive handbags and UGG Boots, we want to play with our friends, and we want to be better and shinier than the guy next to us, we want to be simultaneously better and different (but not weird different) and just like everyone else. We want the world to be fair and just.
I, personally, always hoped I was some how different and better than all the kids I graduated HS and College with. I wasn't going to have to wait the 10 years I was told I was going to be "over worked and under paid" to finally stop paying my dues, that some how I was going to be different, better and a head of the game. Guess what... shocker, I'm not better or different than anyone else. I might actually be a little bit awful... and I'm starting to think that as long I've realized that and will try to be less awful that might be okay for the moment. And as I said at the top it's a little bit heartbreaking to come to the conclusion. I really do hope that I will eventually grow out of my 20's, because right now I feel behind the pack, I'm broke because I want and sometimes buy things I cannot afford, trying to make myself happy with things, I'm broke because I'm not special and I am still "over worked" and "underpaid", I'm broke because I want to play with my friends and they all live in other states and I always go to them. I'm both a total basket case, but not screwed enough to have it be a reason to give up, or hide in a hole, even though I'm just basket case enough to really really want to somedays. (side note I also totally understand Catch-22 more so than I did when I read it at 16)
I once had an argument with someone who had just turned 30, someone who based off the fact that she had just turned 30 had decided she was better than I was at 24, almost 25. 4 long years ago....I had a really good job at the time, I had a really good job I didn't like, I had a really good job with a boss I didn't like, I had a really good job that I didn't fully understand how to appreciate. I didn't like my boss, I didn't like the situation I was in, and instead of rising above it, I blamed my boss, everyone around me. I remember harping on how unfair the situation was and how much I hated everything, and how the situation I was in was anyones fault but my own. This recently turned 30 year old told me that if I didn't like the job and I didn't like the situation that I needed to leave, because there were a 1000 other people out there who wanted the job, and would do it with out the bellyaching and noise I was making. I remember telling this recently turned 30 year old, that "no wants this job, they think they do, but they don't. " (I should note to some extent I still stand by this statement for that situation at least) but she looked at me and said "that's such a 20's answer." In all of my 24 year old glory, I thought to myself "you've been 30 for a handful of days, what the hell makes you any better than me, and weren't you once 24?" of course she was, and so was everyone else, and while it bugs me that everyone forgets that they were once 24, or 21, or 15, or 28, hindsight is, and always will be 20/20. We all realize we could have been better. As it turns out the though (and she is going to love this) She was right... and I was wrong.
I was told by multiple people much older than 30, and that recently turned 30 year old that there comes a moment, when you come to some sort of revelation about the world after you turn 30. I have been waiting to turn 30 since that day, because on a fundamental level I just want a moment of clarity.
I came to this revelation a little earlier than 30 (so maybe there is still hope I am a little bit ahead!) But here it is... The world isn't fair, and I'm not anyone special, and no matter how hard I think I work, someone is working harder, no matter how talented or special I think I am, someone is always going to be better. It is the way of the world, and I'm going to try and be more accepting of that, and maybe now that I've realized that I might even just try a little harder... I might fail, and I'll probably still ask for a raise when I think I deserve one... but hey Rome wasn't built and a day, and acceptance doesn't happen based off one revelation, that comes on the third night of not sleeping... But If I'm in a situation I don't like, or I don't think is fair, the only thing I can do about it is change how I react, all I can really do is change how I handle the situation, all I can really do is learn to accept and move on. Nothing is set in stone and I can in fact change my reality, if not in the literal sense, the figurative sense. I have to stop moaning and whining that the world isn't fair. It's not fair, it's never going to be fair and I think I've finally started to accept that. I don't expect my world to change over night (though wouldn't that be great?!) but a big part of changing my world is accepting it.
I said in the last paragraph I'm on day 3 of not sleeping, and I'm probably on month 10 of not sleeping well... actually I may not have slept well since fall 2000, hmm. Yesterday I would have blamed that on AP US History, today I'll blame that on me thinking it was a good idea to take AP US History. Anyway, last night, I thought this latest bout of insomnia was because I had been accidentally drinking caffeine past 3pm, turns out my powdered iced tea wasn't fake enough to not have caffeine, or I somehow became addicted to Newsroom reruns on HBOGO, or the generic version of Advil PM I bought didn't actually have the same drug in it as the bottle that cost 3 dollars more.(second side note, don't take zquil it will make you sleep eat)
Sometime yesterday, in the middle of my workday, I realized it's because I am making myself miserable. I have been closing myself off to things that could be very good for me. I, for a very long time, have been blaming whatever I was feeling, experiencing or not experience on everyone and everything else. I've been to busy worrying about what I don't have, what I can't have and what I haven't achieved yet, that I haven't stopped to pay attention to the things I do have, the things I can have, and things I've already achieve and the things I will continue to achieve. I have been to busy worrying about what everyone else has, or thinks or has achieved. I will probably continue to do all of those things on some level, but at least for the moment I've reached some form of acceptance, and now maybe I can start to move on, maybe I can start to celebrate the little victories.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
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