The American Dream... and Exhaustion part 1 High School

In all honesty, lately, I've been feeling what I can only describe, as burnt out.  Totally and 100% burnt out.

At first, I was annoyed, and confused by said feeling.  The job I'm currently at has me working less and more consistent hours than I have ever, probably in my adult life.  Sure, it has it's challenges, but it doesn't have the hours and the insanity that have come with other jobs I've had. So why now?  After all these years and jobs with 100 hour work weeks, 4 am mornings, overnights,  jobs with no true weekends, or jobs with no days off, why now do I feel completely and totally drained Friday at 5pm?  It made me stop and take a good hard look at my life now, and my life for the last 8 years, and then my life for the last 16 years.

My story is not unique, it's not even uncommon. The details are different, but the plot is the same. I'm from that weird generation somewhere between X, Y, and Millennial. That generation who graduated high school when the economy was still strong, and graduated college shortly before the bubble burst. The generation of people who were given a road map of things we were expected to do, how we were supposed to do it, and when we were supposed to do it.

College, unlike High School is not something the government states you HAVE to do. While it wasn't ever forced on me, my family made it pretty clear that I was going to college. Society, painted a pretty clear picture too. Work hard, get good grades, do well, do good, and go to college, get a job.  And even though I hate him John Mayer, summed it up pretty well in the song "No Such Thing".  So, not going to college really wasn't option.

I was 14 years old the first time I heard the words "will look good on your college applications one day".  I was 14 years old when I first took the bait and jumped at the opportunity to join something that "will look good on your college applications one day".  14... the beginning of my Freshmen year in High School.  A good 3 years before the words "SATS" "Admission Packets" "College Information Night" "FASFA" and any other related term had made into regular every day conversation.  Again for good measure... 14.

I was 15 years old when I made the realization that I wasn't going to be in the have the "highest of highest of grades" and I should probably boost my chances at getting into a "good college" by doing even more extracurriculars and volunteering than I was already doing, and that the following year regular NYS Regents Level 11th Grade English and American History, wasn't necessarily going to cut it if I wanted to look like an attractive candidate for the colleges I had set my sights on. By that point, even though I knew the above to be true somewhere along the line my inner mantra changed from "I'm really good at the classes where we are watching the Sand Lot and writing book reports, and coloring maps so I'm going to get a 95 on my report card, yay me!" to something like  "I'd rather be okay at something hard, than great at something easy."

I was 16 years old the first time I didn't make the honor roll, probably because I was just only okay at the classes I had signed up for, and probably because I spent most nights and weekends at one or another extracurricular actives.  I have vivid memories of sobbing hysterically on a very good friends lap in the choir room while a very good teacher tried to remind me that one marking period wasn't going to end my dreams of of a "good college" and a "good job". He was right of course, I know that now, I probably knew that then, but when the whole world is telling you "Work hard, get good grades, do well, do good, and go to a college, get a job", it's kind of hard to believe that everything will work out, even though I had only gotten an 84 over all average and didn't make the HS honor roll.

I was also 16 years old the first (and only)  time I failed a NYS regents exam.  (To to this day even though I know I was really really bad at Trigonometry I still refuse to believe I was that bad and that they only graded part of my test, delusional). My options were get a tutor, and take the test again thus erasing the first grade. Or take the class, which I passed with 76, again and then taking the exam again a semester late.  Despite my mother, the math teacher, and my guidance counselor telling me it wasn't a big deal and I could just take the test again, I chose to take the whole class over again, because I was not going to have an 76  as a final grade on my transcript.  I'm pretty sure I ended up with an 81 in the class and a 78 on exam... still blah, but at least it was better, and I was told I really could not take the  class or the test again.

I was still 16 when my senior year started, and the teachers of my AP and ACE classes started telling the students in these classes that we were "the best and the brightest", "the most advance kids in the school", "the kids everyone expects to go on to top universities and colleges" when the year was over. Frequently we were told that everything we had done up until that point was going to be looked at scrutinized and judged, and we needed to act as leaders and uphold the reputation of blah blah blah blah... seriously, looking back, it's a wonder more of us didn't start crying hysterically at any given point during the day.

I was 17 years old when I filled out my college applications.  I filled out 3, I only ever sent it one.  I knew where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do, and everything I had done up till that point was going to get me there. For the past 3 years and the current senior year  I was in the Marching Band, I was on the board of my towns Youth Council, I helped create a youth lock in (that is still going on 15 years later) I was in the Interact Volunteer Club, the Drama Club (both backstage and on stage),Yearbook, Choir, a member of a statewide No Smoking Initiative, I volunteered multiple years at a summer camp for special needs kids, I had taken and was still taking AP and ACE courses, I took an extra year of Spanish, I took a class I passed again to get a better grade, I was a nominee for Girls State, I gave an admissions interview even though it wasn't required, I had a pile of recommendation letters, I was ready, I had done everything and then some (and probably too much) to make myself a top candidate (side bar: to the Suzy Lee Weiss's of the world THAT's how you make yourself desirable to the "good colleges" out there, and even then , even then, there are still no guarantees)  I was ready, I was applying to the college I wanted to apply to, because in my mind, I had done everything "right" and I was good enough to get in. I was too young and excited to realize I was probably already headed in the direction of burn out and exhaustion.

A few months later, when I was still 17 years old (the opening night of the spring musical) when  I got into my top choice dream "good college" I was promised by the world for working so hard. I should mention that is a great  college, I just use the quotes to emphasize my point that myself and other people of my generation had heard "good college" for our entire lives.  I was elated, I was over the moon.  I had done it, it was hard, and it was messy, I wasn't perfect, but I HAD DONE IT!  I was too young to realize that was truly just the beginning of the work and the amazing journey my life has been since then, but that's another post.

I was also 17 years old when "grades froze", a whole marking period before Graduation.  A full 6 weeks of classes, projects, papers, finals and grades that were not going to count towards the grades that solidified the top percent of the class, the top students, who was going to graduate with honors and who wasn't.  It turns out, that first time when I was 16 where I didn't make the honor roll, wasn't the last, and the time of "grades freezing" I was going to walk at graduation with an 84.7 and without honors. My inner mantra again changed and went from "I'd rather be okay at something hard than great at something easy", became "I should have just taken the easy road".  I was 17 years old when I cried on the same friends lap, in the same choir room with same teacher as I did 2.5 years before.  For the first time I thought all my hard work was for nothing, that  I wasn't good enough,that  I hadn't done what was asked of me, that I didn't try hard enough, that I was dumb, that all my dreams were going to slip away from me.  I cried for days, I talked to teachers, and the administration begging for anything I could do extra credit wise to boost my average that last .3 to be able to walk at graduation with honors.  I felt like a fraud, and a failure.  I was for sure too young to be having these thoughts and feelings.
I honest to God and the Flying Spaghetti monster thought my top choice, dream "good college" was going to change their minds about me and my acceptance was going to be retracted.  Ultimately, college was  never actually going to see my grades at the time of "grade freeze", all anyone would ever get was  my completed transcript with the aforementioned last 6 weeks of grades factored in, leaving me overall with an average slightly above 85.  Nothing lights a fire under your ass more than thinking you were going to lose everything you worked for, and I had really good final marking period.  So, it all worked out and I was well on my way to the rest of my life.

I certainly haven't loved every minute of every day since High School graduation, and it has and continues to be a very long, tiring, sometimes thankless, sometimes awful, often times good, sometimes great and  rewarding journey.  And every minute of it has lead me here, where ever here is now.

How I Met...

Your Mother... or as I think it now should be called, "How I survived My Life After College"

People have been commenting and posting about how the show ended for a full 48 hours now, I've read a lot reviews but the one I like the most is from someone who has been part of "surviving life after college" life.  For an awesome, and totally dead on review of the finale please see How I Met Your (Spoiler) a review by my dear friend Polly, who unsurprisingly had the same reaction I did.  I should also mention, Polly is one my favorite people in the world, and during the course of our friendship we've had a great many of our own HIMYM moments, some I didn't realize were even happening, and I hope one that will someday soon include us singing karaoke.  Others were more obvious, like the time I got a phone call that started with "listen this might be a very interesting afternoon." :)

For me, much like the "Two Beavers" song, ultimately the show ended up being about friendship. The people who no matter what will have your back, even when maybe they don't want too. This show was about those weird years after college, and the big 'now what?' which is what this blog has always been all about.  It was about how life isn't always pretty, it's not always a happy thing, but if you've got people by your side  the messy unhappy times can be weathered.

This show was about figuring out who you were, are, and who you will become.  It was about "intergroup dating" and how messy that really can become. It was about losing jobs, and hating jobs, and getting "the job", and being broke, and not being broke, and figuring out how to handle all those "real world" things.  I didn't experience every thing that the characters on HIMYM went through, but between myself, and my group of friends, we hit (almost) every single one of the messy moments the characters went through during the run of the show. Even some of the less big life events, a bar where everyone knew our names (even after years of not going to it) silly inside jokes that probably truly aren't funny to anyone else, brunch (omg I love brunch) hangovers, road trips, stupid college foods, sandwiches etc.

It was about all those life changes that happen when you get to your mid to late twenties and beyond.  It was realistic in ways I don't think Friends ever was. I mean don't get me wrong, I always wanted to be friends with those people, but I felt like I had friends like the cast of How I Met Your Mother.    And maybe part of that is because when Friends was on I was really too young to understand the "real world".  And maybe part of that is because is when Friends was on, the bubble hadn't burst yet, the economy was still booming, and the promise of the American dream hadn't been squashed yet.  But even now I watch Friends and think wow, they glossed over a lot of life's messy bits.  And it was all tied up in a neat little bow at the end.  I'd like to think that Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe moved on from that apartment and those lives and stayed friends forever.  But we never got to see it, so really who knows.

But with How I Met Your Mother, we got to see the future, 25 years after that first meeting of all of them MacLaren's Pub, we know they're still hanging out.  They're still friends, maybe not every minute of every day of those 25 years, but the fact of the matter is those people moved all over the world, and when they were all together again it was like no time had passed.  As Lily said "we promised to be there for the big moments!" (which apparently also meant "the birth of her ex-husbands love child"?)
And I can only hope that years and years from now, no matter where the wind takes us, no matter who marries or divorces who, that we can be there for all big moments, and all the small moments in between all the way up to our "front porch " moments.

I am going to love this show always, even if I am a little annoyed that the "titular" character kind of seemed like an afterthought. I am going to love that there is show that for the most accurately described what I was feeling a lot of the time, and I'm going to love that I have a group of friends who I survived life after college with, and I'm going to love the fact that I never have to wonder what it would be like to be part of that group of friends, because I've got one.


(This post also could have been titled How I Met Your Mother, and homesickness, because after watching said show, and watching everyone say goodbye during the wedding I'm all weepy and more so than normal it makes me hate being far away from my nearest and dearest friends. )

An updated, perhaps slightly more logical list

A New Year! A New Post!

And 290 days till I turn 30.  I'm actually pretty okay with that, I've decided my life will begin anew at 30! My 20s were a very strange decade, full of moving, and being unsettled, great jobs, bad jobs, and everything in between.. a decade of growth for sure, but I'm hoping my 30s help me be a little more settled down, and help me improve on that growth. 

In 2011 I created a list of the 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30 (you can read that HERE) and now, the year of my actual 30th birthday, I've decided to revisit.


Let's start off the list with the things that were on that list, that I actually accomplished:


1) Move back to Los Angeles... I did this at 27, in January in 2012! (only to move to Denver January 2013... life is really unexpected most of the time)


2) Buy a new car (actually be able to pick out the car I want, in the color I want with the features I want and have it all in my own name etc.) I did this in April 2013... I totaled my dented Chevy... it was kind of sad, and then all I could think was NEW CAR!! I bought a Jetta, my 16 year old self, might have been more excited than my 28 year old self LOL, but damn it my 28 year old self was happy!


3) Improve my credit (made some mistakes in my 20's, and I'm just now starting to undo them, getting better slowly but surely) ... buying the car gave me an excuse to look at my credit score for real.  It wasn't great, but it was already better than I had thought, and better than it had been when I wrote this to begin with.  Buying the car and making payments and getting low limit credit cards and making payments on time has helped with all of this... slowly but surely. 


4)  Be the lead Producer on a project/segments-  I made the switch to working in Promotions in October 2012... I write and produce spots all the time now, I've got bigger things in the pipeline now too... so go me?


5) Actually start planning for grown up life (like adding more to 401k start saving for something like a down payment for property or something?) I have sort of started adding money to my 401k... also in thinking of improving credit I've started thinking about buying a house or something... for real, I'm going to spend this year figuring out if I can afford to buy a house, if I can afford to buy what I want in my first house, and is buying a house something I really want to do...


6)  Buy a couch, I did this!! Twice, technically.  I bought a great purple living room set in LA, only to sell it before I left, and buy a new couch and living room set (and a new queen sized bed, complete with headboard) in Denver... so does that count as 2 checks??

7) Buy an overpriced designer handbag... well, I bought them all on sale, since this post I've bought a fair few... and a wallet.. and a dress... ALL ON SALE, marked down, last season...much cheaper, but yes, I did this. 


8) Put some actual art for my walls, thanks to one of my favorite people ever I have REAL art on my walls.  A good friend of hers is an artist in Florida, and I was gifted a very lovely piece of art. (I'm pretty sure my painting from Canvas and Cocktails doesn't count, but hey it's on the wall too! And not to be out done a framed photo of my one half of my favorite set of twins' chocolate floor doodle) 


So 8 out of 30 ain't bad right?  the next chunk is things actually in progress, or at least things I'm making strides towards for real. 


Things still in progress, slightly adjusted for reality: 

9) Originally, this was "Start Masters" ... well that won't be happening this year, but I am looking for a math class and GMAT prep class to take this year so I can take the GMAT or the GRE's, so now this is TAKE GRAD SCHOOL ADMISSIONS TEST.  My boss is very supportive of the idea, and is the one who suggested I find a math tutor or a class to take, because no matter how hard I try to study I just don't remember how to do the math, and the practice tests I've taken make me feel dumb.  So take classes, take test...finalize schools to apply to

10) This was originally, get to goal weight, and after I wrote that, I promptly continued to gain, I was 20lbs away from the be all end all goal weight in 2010, but 2011 I had gained 30lbs back, and promptly gained another 10, then another 10, and ended up the highest weight I had ever been in my life... so fail... BUT, I joined Weight Watchers in August 2013 and I'm back down 23lbs... 57 to go! I'd like to get 40 or so off by my 30th birthday... so 40 till then!  

11) This used to be Win Emmy/Get Nominated for an Emmy with a team... still possible I suppose, there are Sports Emmy's, Regional Emmy's and I have big plans for work this year... so maybe a promo or a segment gets a nomination... and I'd very much take a Telly  award and a PROMAXBDA award/nomination... because why not?!?!


12) This used to be Run a half marathon... right now I'm working on Couch to 5k...I'd like to be able to run a 10k by 30... and I want to run the Tinkerbell Half marathon in January 2015 (a few months after I turn 30) 

13) This used to be pitch new tv show, shoot some sort of pilot... this is now pitch new segments and new campaigns to work... make plan, execute plan, have awesome finished product, a benchmark piece if you will. 

14) Read War&Peace... it's totally 100% on my Kindle... that counts for something right?!?!?


Things still on old list I want to accomplish/do but have yet to do.

15) Get a Tattoo. I know where I want, what I want, I just need to do it. 


Now for Brand Spankin' new, realistic goals for the next 290 days.


16) Master the Beef Wellington... or maybe just successfully cook a Beef Wellington.  Years of watching Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef and I'm like, ya know what I can do this!! 

17) Learn to frost pretty cupcakes, I make awesome cupcakes, the frosting looks like crap... 

18) This used to 2 things,  finish writing a book and get something something published ... I've started 2 books since then... but this is now Find all the copies, drafts and doodles of my children's books, refine them, package them nicely, think about looking into what it would take to get them published... even just to self publish them via the interwebs and give as gifts...also finish writing my newest book "Hedwig and the Hedgehog"

19) Buy my mother a plane ticket to visit me.  She hasn't been out to visit me in the 8 years since I've been away, it's time she does, I'll pay for it... or at least the plane ticket traveling west... she'll either have to stay put forever, or buy her own ticket back home LOL.

20) Take a class of some sort, just for fun, something random, maybe a cake decorating class, or a class where I make beef wellington, or something random like pottery, ceramics, belly dancing (might as well tone the belly I'm trying to shrink) but something in addition to my math/GMAT prep classes... something just for fun!!! Or hell Ballroom dancing! 

21) Write certain letters I may not ever send, but letters to the following: One person I need to apologize too, because I understand things differently now. One person who doubted me, and it only fueled my desire to achieve things. More than 2 people who very much helped me get to where I am now and where I am going. 

22) Send Birthday cards to a bunch of people for real and on time.

23) See a show at Red Rocks... I live in CO, how can I NOT do this

24) Go "to the mountains" I won't ski... but I still haven't been to "the mountains" and I'd love a nice dinner, a spa day, and like a hike or something in an adorable little ski village

25) Meet more people in Denver, make new friends, spend more time with the ones I have here already

26) Get out in the field more for work, go on shoots, interviews etc.  This will help with a lot of the above goals. 

28) Learn Avid, certainly not master it, but learn it, have a real understanding of it, like I did with FCP, I think it will make me better at my job, and maybe more capable and efficient. I like to be useful and helpful and I just like to understand what's going on around me.

29) Do the hike at Flat Irons park I was too out of shape, and too uncomfortable doing last year, maybe once I start running more and getting more in shape I'll be able to do this, last year I got an 8th of the way and decided I couldn't do it... I feel bad about that. 

30) Save $500 dollars... specifically for buying myself some ridiculous 30th birthday present!


There were a lot of things on the old list that are not going to happen by the time I'm 30 (for Example, I'm not going to be at another Olympics, which I'm very much okay with. And I'm kind over the idea of skydiving) but for the most part I'd rather not dwell on what wasn't, or isn't.  I'm proud to say I've crossed off 8 things on that first list, no matter how random or small some were.  I'm proud to say I've taken steps towards things still in progress, and still possible, and I'm proud to say that I'm smart enough to reel in my thoughts and goals to things that are more manageable and tangible, and to accept that.  That's not to say I still don't have a crazy list of things I want to accomplish, and that my dreams have gotten any smaller. But for now, it's all one step at a time. 

"And I'll be awful sometimes... but I'll learn to get by on Little Victories"

It's kind of a heartbreaking thing, to realize that I'm  just like everyone else in whatever the so called "experts" have decided to call the group of people born sometime near when I was born.  Millennial, Generation X... or whatever made up generation I am supposed to be a part of this year.   Fair warning, this might be a little bore rambling, and little more honest than I intended it to be.

Sometime ago, the word Millennial came out and that definition seems to change every few months, and the definition changes depending on which industry you are asking.  For some, this "generation", means anyone born between 1982-and sometime in the early 2000's.  For a long time I wanted to know what me, as an almost 29 year old, and someone born anytime after 2001 had in common.  I hate being compared to these kids.  Seriously what do we have in common?  I have a job, and bills, and I was supposedly promised the American Dream sometime in the late 90's that apparently I may actually never get, and I'm not supposed to be upset by this,  I live on my own, my mom doesn't cut the crusts off my sandwiches and send me to school every morning, I know where I was on 9/11, I didn't get a cell phone until I was 18 and could pay for it myself, facetime/skype and whatever other form of communication we're using wasn't even a thing when I graduated High School... so please Marketing/Ad people tell me what it is I have in common with someone born in 2002?!?!

The answer, it turns out is very very simple. That kid born in 2002 and I both want expensive things we (or maybe our parents) cannot afford.  We want iPhones, and expensive handbags and UGG Boots, we want to play with our friends, and  we want to be better and shinier than the guy next to us, we want to be simultaneously better and different (but not weird different) and just like everyone else.  We want the world to be fair and just.

I, personally, always hoped I was some how different and better than all the kids I graduated HS and College with.  I wasn't going to have to wait the 10 years I was told I was going to be "over worked and under paid" to finally stop paying my dues, that some how I was going to be different, better and a head of the game.  Guess what... shocker, I'm not better or different than anyone else.  I might actually be a little bit awful... and I'm starting to think that as long I've realized that and will try to be less awful that might be okay for the moment. And as I said at the top it's a little bit heartbreaking to come to the conclusion. I really do hope that I will eventually grow out of my 20's, because right now I feel behind the pack, I'm broke because I want and sometimes buy things I cannot afford, trying to make myself happy with things, I'm broke because I'm not special and I am still "over worked" and "underpaid", I'm broke because I want to play with my friends and they all live in other states and I always go to them. I'm both a total basket case, but not screwed enough to have it be a reason to give up, or hide in a hole, even though I'm just basket case enough to really really want to somedays.  (side note I also totally understand Catch-22 more so than I did when I read it at 16)

I once had an argument with someone who had just turned 30, someone who based off the fact that she had just turned 30 had decided she was better than I was at 24, almost 25. 4 long years ago....I had a really good job at the time, I had a really good job I didn't like, I had a really good job with a boss I didn't like, I had a really good job that I didn't fully understand how to appreciate. I didn't like my boss, I didn't like the situation I was in, and instead of rising above it, I blamed my boss, everyone around me.  I remember harping on how unfair the situation was and how much I hated everything, and how the situation I was in was anyones fault but my own.  This recently turned 30 year old told me that if I didn't like the job and I didn't like the situation that I needed to leave, because there were a 1000 other people out there who wanted the job, and would do it with out the bellyaching and noise I was making.  I remember telling this recently turned 30 year old, that "no wants this job, they think they do, but they don't. " (I should note to some extent I still stand by this statement for that situation at least) but she looked at me and said "that's such a 20's answer."  In all of my 24 year old glory, I thought to myself "you've been 30 for a handful of days, what the hell makes you any better than me, and weren't you once 24?" of course she was, and so was everyone else, and while it bugs me that everyone forgets that they were once 24, or 21, or 15, or 28, hindsight is, and always will be 20/20. We all realize we could have been better.  As it turns out the though (and she is going to love this) She was right... and I was wrong.

I was told by multiple people much older than 30, and that recently turned 30 year old that there comes a moment, when you come to some sort of revelation about the world after you turn 30. I have been waiting to turn 30 since that day, because on a fundamental level I just want a moment of clarity.

I came to this revelation a little earlier than 30 (so maybe there is still hope I am  a little bit ahead!) But here it is...  The world isn't fair, and I'm not anyone special, and no matter how hard I think I work, someone is working harder, no matter how talented or special I think I am, someone is always going to be better.  It is the way of the world, and I'm going to try and be more accepting of that, and maybe now that I've realized that I might even just try a little harder... I might fail, and I'll probably still ask for a raise when I think I deserve one... but hey Rome wasn't built and a day, and acceptance doesn't happen based off one revelation, that comes on the third night of not sleeping... But If I'm in a situation I don't like, or I don't think is fair, the only thing I can do about it is change how I react, all I can really do is change how I handle the situation, all I can really do is learn to accept and move on. Nothing is set in stone and I can in fact change my reality, if not in the literal sense, the figurative sense.  I have to stop moaning and whining that the world isn't fair.  It's not fair, it's never going to be fair and I think I've finally started to accept that.  I don't expect my world to change over night (though wouldn't that be great?!) but a big part of changing my world is accepting it.

I said in the last paragraph I'm on day 3 of not sleeping, and I'm probably on month 10 of not sleeping well... actually I may not have slept well since fall 2000, hmm. Yesterday I would have blamed that on AP US History, today I'll blame that on me thinking it was a good idea to take AP US History. Anyway, last night, I thought this latest bout of insomnia was because I had been accidentally drinking caffeine past 3pm, turns out my powdered iced tea wasn't fake enough to not have caffeine,  or I somehow became addicted to Newsroom reruns on HBOGO, or the generic version of Advil PM I bought didn't actually have the same drug in it as the bottle that cost 3 dollars more.(second side note, don't take zquil it will make you sleep eat)

Sometime yesterday,  in the middle of my workday, I realized it's because I am making myself miserable. I have been closing myself off to things that could be very good for me.   I, for a very long time, have been blaming whatever I was feeling, experiencing or not experience on everyone and everything else. I've been to busy worrying about what I don't have, what I can't have and what I haven't achieved yet, that I haven't stopped to pay attention to the things I do have, the things I can have, and things I've already achieve and the things I will continue to achieve. I have been to busy worrying about what everyone else has, or thinks or has achieved. I will probably continue to do all of those things  on some level, but at least for the moment I've reached some form of acceptance, and now maybe I can start to move on, maybe I can start to celebrate the little victories.

"It's time to begin... isn't it?"

It's been almost a year since I've updated.  Once again so much has changed.  I've moved... again....again... I think I'm on my third again since I've had this blog.  Which for those of you keeping track has been since 2010.  So that's the move from CA to CT, CT back to CA, and now CA to CO.  All the "C" states... it's apparently a thing.  Maybe in my next life I'll hit up all the "M" states. Anyway, I've actually gotten pretty good at putting myself out there.

I've tried a hell of a lot of new things, started things, finished other things, started things I really did want to follow through on and admittedly given things up half way through, or before they had a chance to really blossom. I've given up things to get back to other things, not the least of which was my job at a big name media company where I lived in the middle of nowhere, didn't haver lot of friends nearby and was more of a number at work somedays than I was a person. I went back to a much smaller, lesser known company where I am a person, a person people know, I hope like, and where am I less of a number, albeit part of a growing number of real people, to a city not in the middle of nowhere, to a group a huge group of friends.

I tried to start an online cooking show and corresponding food blog, only to give up because for one reason or another.  BUT since trying that out, I've actually started cooking more, and finally have started baking, and I'm actually getting better and better every time.  I finally shelled out the cash for the Kitchen-aide mixer I've always wanted.  So maybe it was a win?

I had to leave my beloved (yeah sue me) cats behind in NY when I went back to CA from CT, and it took a long time to accept that for reasons beyond my control that's where they live now, that's their home... It was difficult and it sucked and yeah, I cried.  I eventually got another cat, and while it's not exactly the same, I love her, I'm happy I adopted her, I'm happy she's my pet.

I totaled a car, and bought a new one.  I did it all by myself and I'm it's weird but I'm wicked proud of myself for doing that.  I fulfilled the dream my 16 year old self had.... I bought a Jetta, yeah, a Jetta. VW did a campaign a few years ago where the slogan was "The Jetta... All Grown Up"... I feel like a grown up in this car.

I switched to a different part of the industry I work in.  I work in Promotions/Marketing now.  I wasn't sure how I felt about it, until now, at midnight, on a plane, 3 hours away from landing on the East Coast and just hours away from a vacation I've been counting down too for the last 6 months, and a reunion that's been 4 years in the making. (But that's a different post for a different time.)

I used to think I wanted to produce the Today Show, and why not leave that on my list as a thing to possibly one day do in the future, why not keep one old goal on that list.... the list is now much shorter, though not simpler, if anything it's on line that could mean any number of things... I want to run things. I want to head up some sort of creative company, and for the first time I really think I want it to be my own, I want to be my own boss, I'm still years away from that point, but I'm putting it out there to the world now.  Watch out, I'm going to run things.

I'm inspired again, I have to be honest, it's been awhile... maybe years, since I've felt this good about this industry, this crazy, difficult, fun, and altogether insane life I've chosen to carve out for myself.  I feel like I finally get it, I finally woke back up and thought to myself "everything I've done up to this point has to be leading to somewhere... why not put my money where my mouth is and make shit happen."  It's time to start taking big steps, not just a bunch of little ones, time to stop pretending, time to start doing, start pushing, and start dreaming bigger.   Right now, this is the most inspired I've felt in 3 years. 3 years is a long time, almost half my career, and it's not that I wasn't inspired at one point or another during the last 3 years, it's just probably been 3 years since I've been this inspired. And I'm not even sure what it is I was actually inspired to do, other than the very vague "run things" and I don't know what any of this new found inspiration means for me right now, next year or in the coming years, I just know that it's here.


I had been worried recently that maybe I didn't want to work in TV/Media/Entertainment anymore. I was worried because I wondered if I was only doing it because I literally don't know how to do anything else.  I was worried because I wondered if maybe I'm actually really bad at it and no one has had the heart to tell me... and then I realized, that if I didn't want do it anymore why in the hell was I worried if I was bad at it?  If I truly didn't care, then why did it bother me so much that I might be bad at it.  Then I realized I'm worried that I might be bad at it because I don't want to do anything else, and in addition  to like what I do, I want to be good at it.  No, ya know what, I want to be great at it, I want to be bad ass at it.  I want someone years from now to look up and say in 10 years I want to be her... I want the "her" to be me. I want to be one the speakers at the conference I was just at, maybe even one of the Keynotes, I want to change the shape, face, and landscape of this industry... I want someone to actually want to be me. (my roommate tells me she wants to be like me when she grows up... I keep telling her she doesn't, and I'm not a grown up)


I've always talked about getting a Masters degree, it wasn't until I actually started looking at grad schools that I realized I in fact, want an MBA... yeah, me who is pretty sure I have no head for business, wants an MBA.  I have been told time and time again I don't need one I work in television, but ya know what?  I've seen shows and companies live and die based off of what the people in charge did and didn't understand.  I worked on a show that got canceled because the money guys were in real estate and actually had no concept of how TV worked, or how much it literally costs to put on a show... in the end were costing the company "too much money" when in reality our budget was much much smaller than any big network show and we had learned very quickly to cut costs on our own.  I've worked at companies where the guys in charge understood the TV side of things, and not so much the money side of things and while they understood TV cost money to produce, and good TV costs more money to produce, they might not have understood how to get that money, or that we have to money to spend. The latter happened more often in my life than the former.  I realized from these experiences and whole host of other ones that maybe I should take the time to understand both sides of the coin, because maybe then I can make great TV/Media/Movies/Etc and keep myself afloat in the process, find new ways to make money and new ways to save it... I can go after big new projects and still afford to pay my team.

Someone once told me that I was going to be a mover, and a shaker in this industry, and at the time I didn't want to be, but guess what, it's time to start moving, and start shaking. Someone else once told me in 10 years he'd be working for me (it's been 5 since then...) so why not prove him right and in 5 more years, be in a situation where I can offer him a job. Someone before that told me I was going to be "overworked and underpaid for (at least) 10 years" he totally wasn't kidding BTW... that was 7 years ago... and my mom once told me I was going to set the world on fire.  It's hard to tell if she meant that in a sweet motherly uplifting way, or if she literally meant I was accidentally set the world on fire... it could be either one.

To be honest, I am not even sure what any of this I'm feeling means (though sidebar Hungiemuffin, let's do this!) but I'm excited again... I've said it before and I'll say it again because I think it's worth repeating.  I told my parents at 11 I wanted to go to the Olympics one day, I wasn't sure how, when, or even what that actually meant at the time.  But, then, 10 years later.... I went to the Olympics. So I'm putting out this new equally not yet thought out goal... I want to run things... let's see what this 10 years brings me shall we?

Television, media, the internet, content, storytelling, marketing, advertising, movies etc... it's all changing and I want to be a part of all it. I want to be a part of history, and before you go on to say it's just television what's that got to do with history?  Right now, I think... everything.  Or at least how we record, document and pass it along, why not be a part of it? Now is the time where my generation can be pioneers of television, pioneers of media, pioneers of the industry we have come to love (and hate somedays... I feel like TV and I are Meredith and Derek, "we love each other even we hate each other") I have had the opportunity to meet the people from the "golden age" of television and I want to be part of the "golden age of media".

I have nothing else to say at this point. I can't give you a sneak peak at coming attractions but I don't know when, or how long it's going to take for them to come, but they're coming... oh yeah, they're coming.

A love letter to the HHS class of 2002

Maybe we weren't all friends, maybe some of us hardly new each other, but looking back I feel nothing but love and gratitude for the HHS class of 2002.

Just so this doesn't look like it came out of no where, I should mention that my 10 year HS reunion was last weekend and while I couldn't make it (something about living 3000 miles away... LOL) it made me stop and think about a lot of things.

The first and for whatever reason most important thing is in 2002, right before HS graduation I will always remember telling my family's neighbor how excited I was to go to college and how excited I was that my friends and I were all sort of staying nearish by so we could visit and get together, and how I was going to email and keep in touch with my friends who weren't staying so close by and all those cliche things someone says at the end of something.  But I remember most, is her very distinctly telling me I wouldn't keep in touch with my high school friends, we wouldn't see each other, even though we said we would, because that's just how the world works, you grow up you move on and keeping in touch isn't as easy it sounds.  I was floored by this bit of news, but decided to not let it bother (clearly it bothered me enough that 10 years later I'm telling you fine folk about it).


I don't think of the people I keep in touch with as my "high school friends" I think of these people as my "whole life friends"  because many of these people I have known almost my whole life, or at least the parts of my life that really mattered the most. These are the people I went to elementary school with, middle school with, high school with and a few I even went to college with.  And I'd like to thank(in chronological order) AIM, live journal, free after 9 cell phone minutes, free long distance on your cell phone, free mobile to mobile calling, unlimited text messaging, facebook, unlimited everything cell phone plans, getting a paycheck so we could afford to travel to each other, and skype for making sure that I can in fact keep touch..

And like I said maybe I'm not exactly BFF's with most of my graduating class, but it amuses me to no end that every now and then I'll get a comment or a wall post from someone in my graduating class just checking in or saying hi.  In fact I'd like to think because of the huge amount of communication technology we now have at our literal fingertips I have become better friends with certain people from HS.

I like how get really really happy when I  see a text message or a facebook post, or a phone call (I'm still bad at answering the phone I know!) from a friend who knows my whole life story and in spite of (or maybe because of!) it still wants to be my friend.  I love how the best part of saying goodbye to these people is the chance to say hello again, and how happy and excited we all  get counting down the days till we can see each other again.

Because there is nothing in the world like the balm to the soul that is being surrounded by old friends, nothing in the world like knowing no matter what these people will love you for who you were, are and becoming, nothing in the world like hugging someone you've missed for a long time!


So, I guess in away my neighbor was right, I didn't keep in touch with my HS friends.

 I just kept in touch with my friends that I love now just like I did when I had that conversation.




I said this was a love letter to my graduating class, so here's to you class of 2002...(some of these apply to everyone, some apply to small groups, some apply only to certain specific people)


The people who apparently love chicken patties so much that our class president ran on a platform promising them everyday.

The people who were in the classroom with, or down the hall from on 9/11.

The people who know "it's up to you in 2002!"

The people who were told by advisors or teachers, or even parents or other students that they couldn't do something, and then did it anyway... (especially those at the bottom of the alphabet LOL)

The people who heard Eve 6's "Here's to the Night" the summer before senior year and took all the words to heart.

The people who used all 4 years of HS as their very first "Metamorphosis"

(and to the people who were fortunate enough (or maybe unfortunate enough) to hear my very impassioned speech on Kafka's "The Metamorphosis" that Gregor Sampson was not in fact actually turned into a bug... I stand by this)

The people who didn't have an iPod in HS, because iPods weren't a thing until right before we graduated.

To the people who have the yearbook signed by 2002's best Dressed Mindy Fhoweveryouspellit with note to save it because someday she was gonna be famous!

To the people who were fortunate enough to meet the cast of Hedda Gabler in NY, because our awesome teacher happened to know one of the actors (and thus remember the line "Hi my name is (name) Mr. Hynes is my teacher...") 

The people who still get choked up when they hear "With One Look" or "On the Waterfront" The people who still cringe a little when they even hear the words "Russian Christmas Music" or "hoods" and still smile when they hear the opening chords to "SCHERHAZADE"... the people who know that sometimes getting demoted is the best thing in the world.


The people who can finish the speech "you're gonna get your butts kicked, you're gonna your asses handed to you..."

To the few people who still my Gimpy...

The people who have a hard time turning off "Oh Holy Night" when it appears on your playlist and it's not Christmas time... for that matter who have it on their playlist at all times.

The people who don't think it's strange when you find yourself humming and maybe still singing a long to Carmina Burana.

The people who swing around lamposts and ask "what'cha knowing?" , the people whose hands still burst into jazz hands at the words "bop... bop bop"

The people who "studied" for the AP history exam by going to Taco Bell and then had to break into a friends house because she locked herself out.

The people who created and participated in the first ever Youth Bureau Lockin

The people who remember the time The Ghost of Christmas Past was a "little late"

The people who understand the phrase "watcher man in all that tweed..." and "star wars puem puem" and understand that strawberry is the opposite of banana (or stake for that matter)

The people who understand what "not in my car!" "you save my ass, I'll save yours" "partners in crime" mean

The people who were rivals in HS who are now people you can't imagine your life without (you totally know who you are!)


The people who went to "college to get more knowledge" and participated in senior walk around the block with balloons day, who were destined to become the "best and the brightest"... who went to college when the economy was still booming and graduated just in time for it start to fall apart...the people who survived in and maybe even thrived in the worst recession our generation has seen... the people who haven't give up yet.

The people who are fortunate enough to remember that we were a class of people that didn't have a clique problem, a class of people where the football players and cheerleaders were also in the school plays or the band, the 'smart kids' were also jocks, the quiet kids also burst into song, the class who managed to work together to get shit done and get shit done right!


Again, I look back on my time at HHS with love and gratitude, not only to my class, but to our teachers, and our parents.  It was quite a ride, but the last 10 years have been an even crazier one, and while I enjoyed my time at HHS, let's be real, I wouldn't do high school again.

Putting myself out there and admitting (again) I don't take enough advantage of the fact...

...that I live in Los Angles.  A coworker said something like that to me the other day.  He said he and his wife "dont' take enough advantage of Los Angeles"  it got me thinking, that I too don't take enough advantage of Los Angeles, and in retrospect wasn't that part of what starting this blog was all about?

So here I sit 6 months and 1 day in to my second move to Los Angeles (and my third move cross country)  and I spent the last 2 hours outside enjoying the most perfect day of weather ever.  A perfect Sunny 75 degrees with not a cloud in the sky.  And most days are like this in Los Angeles, and most days like this I spend either at work or watching TV on my couch.  It's sad really, but I think part of it is because when you have 290 plus days of sunshine a year, what makes one of them any more special than any other?  Probably nothing, but then again, you never know where they day will take you if you don't get off the couch a little more. So I spent the morning dog sitting my good friends dog and drinking my coffee on the patio.  I spent sometime sitting by the pool at my apartment with a good book and a cold (non alcoholic) beverage, and I took advantage of yet another perfect day of weather.

It was a week ago my TV finally arrived from the East Coast, I had gotten such a good deal on when I bought it that I knew selling it was never going to help me get another TV so I let it sit at my old upstairs neighbors house in CT while I tried to figure out the best way to get it here.  If I had known it would have been as cheap and easy as it was, I'd like to think I would have done it a long time ago.  I wouldn't have, but I'd like to think that I would have.  It always just seemed like so much effort to ship...

It wasn't until this morning while I was making the bed at my friends house where I stayed to dog sit for the last few days I realized what it was about the last 6 months and 1 day in LA that made me a little gun shy, maybe a little more reserved than I had hoped the move back to LA would make me...

...The fear that this was all just temporary. The fear that maybe if I got to attached, I'd have to leave again and I'd be heartbroken over it once again.

Since I'm being so open at the moment, and since this whole blog is about putting myself out there, I'm going to be honest... I feel like I knew 30 days (30 days... 1 month!) in to my move to CT, that I wanted that to be temporary. I knew 6 months and 1 day in that it was going to be temporary and that Los Angeles really was where I wanted to call home. I feel like I got up everyday knowing that it was temporary and thus didn't feel the need to experience anything that was going on around me.  Which I know is kind of a counter intuitive way of looking at the situation, because normally if things are temporary you should WANT to experience all you can because you might not be there later.  But in my case it was because it just didn't matter and it was all going to go away and I could get back to what I had been referring to for sometime as "my real life" , so why bother putting down roots, roots would mean a tree would grow and form branches and grow leaves, and other tree metaphors...and I didn't want to be a tree in CT.  I spent a lot of time sad, alone and maybe even a little depressed, I was afraid if I let myself enjoy it, I'd never leave, I'd get complacent and I'd become a tree.

I once again naively thought that moving back to LA would be a cure all for all those things I mentioned above.  Newsflash... it wasn't, but it wasn't until just now I think I realized why.  I was afraid I couldn't become a tree here, and here is where I want to become a tree (or a cookie!).

I can experience things and fall back in love with Los Angeles (hell maybe even fall in love with someone, because for the first time ever I think I really want too, and I feel like I really can... but that's a different post) because here is where I want to be a tree!  I want to take advantage of the fact that I live here, I want to experience all those things I didn't or couldn't experience in CT and I want to be here now... and probably (possibly) always. I want to make being here worth being here, worth putting down my roots, and becoming a tree!

I need to snap out of it, I need to realize that I can't experience the world from my couch, which I admit I have gotten quite used to doing.  I need to do things even if they take what I would consider "too much effort" because as it turns out those are things that are worth doing (case in point this week I drove to Hollywood and I sat in line for three hours to make sure my friends and I could get tickets to a screening of Jurassic Park in cemetery and then waited another 2 hours before the movie started and while that sounds insane and like a lot of effort... I had really excellent evening!!) I need to realize that I'll still be able to do my job even if I'm a little more tired because the night before I went to a concert, or out with friends or whatever.  (this doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy before those 5am mornings) I need to embrace the insanity of it all and just be here now... because forever or not, there is no point in living in LA if I'm just going to sit on my couch.